Father Farter: Part 4

Captain Salamander - Who missed what? I've just discovered Part 4 in the mini-series!

Pastor Gas: Fart 3

Gaby and Fish - I guessed you missed this third installment in the Pastor Gas series. Here it is.

Feedback in the comments please.

Poll #2: Preacher or Dubbing?

Ok, so I stumbled across these two videos (video #1, video #2) of this preacher and I couldn't stop laughing my head off (in fact, I now keep it in a safe, my head, not the videos). The neat thing is how the videos are two very different types of funny depending on if you're concentrating on the dubbing or not. Anyhow, it took me many (under a dozen) viewings to finally decide that the video is funnier with the dubbing.

The reason I bring it up is because of this Woody Allen movie I recently saw with David S. called "What's Up, Tiger Lily?". Essentially Woody Allen bought a Japanese movie, and dubbed it with his own lines. Altough he didn't do the greatest job it was still quite funny. Then I got thinking (good thing I remembered the combination to that safe) and realized that this is a relatively easy project to take on. I already have software that can do all the technical stuff, so all I really need is a movie and a new script, right? Let me know if you want in, as I'll need help with the script and I'll need your voices (don't worry, I'll keep them in the safe).

Cast your vote in the comments.

Book: Part Number Two

Pimento woke up depressed on that rainy Sunday afternoon, knowing that today was the day he had been dreading for months. Perhaps he had been mistaken? Maybe it had already passed? But, no. He sighed as he looked at the calendar for the hundredth time. Today was indeed Juneteenth.

Book: Part #1

Pimento “Joe” Piscotti was a small man. His doctor, Halibut “Hugh” Hippoglossus, weighed him in at 5’1 and 272 pounds, but looks can be deceiving.

Book Details

After hours and hours of closed door meetings, we’ve decided that the much anticipated book will be produced two lines at a time. By not allowing more than a paragraph per entry we hope to create a masterpiece of humour in the style of Kotzwinkle, Dawson, and Cho.

The rules are simple: no consecutive posts by the same person, posts can't be longer than a paragraph, everyone is permitted to post and keep posts to maximum a paragraph. For those of you who don't have administrative powers just e-mail your post to one of our many dedicated staff members (i.e. Max, see previous post) who will gladly post your entry. Oh, and I almost forgot, no entries over a paragraph long and don't forget to keep posts to maximum a paragraph.

January 28 - A Day That Will Live in Infamy

This blog really seems to be taking off - everyone is posting left and right. (Mostly left).
Everyone, that is, except for a certain welcher. Anyways, as his birthday is right around the corner (January 28), I think it is appropriate to understand the evil nature of that particular day.

January 28 throughout history, I'm Bob Johnstone...

-On January 28, 1521, Pope Leo X proclaimed the official Holy Diet of Worms. No joke. Catholics were to eat nothing besides worms for the duration of the Diet, lasting from January 28 until May 25. Those crazy Catholics.

-Fast forward a few centuries and you're in 1973. In that year on January 28, Barnaby Jones premieres on CBS. Years of misery followed. It was a dark time for all.

-Rewind a couple of hundred years and poof! It is 1784! On January 28, the Prime Minister with the longest name in British history was born- George Mackenzie Morton Seward Hamilton Gordon Aberdeen, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.

-In 1980 and 1981, on January the 28th, Nick Carter (Backstreet Boys) and Elijah Wood (he played Sandy in Flipper) were born.

Just some things to consider as this auspicious day approaches.

Yummy!

Those of you that know me will know that I like to try new flavours of things. I rarely buy the same deoderant twice in a row, I check out new drinks to see if they're kosher, and try them right away, etc. The same is true about toothpaste. If there's a new, cool flavour, I'm going to buy it the next time I need toothpaste.

In season 2 of The Apprentice, one of the tasks was to create a one-day major marketing program for Crest's newest flavour, Vanilla Mint. It sounded alright, and we remarked at what good advertising that episode was for that flavour. Anyway, several months past and I never saw Vanilla Mint in the store until recently. We had just bought toothpaste, so I waited, but when we ran out, and went and bought Crest Vanilla Mint. I was very excited to try it.

So...the other morning, I grab my toothbrush, pop open the paste, squirt some on, and start brushing my teeth. How did it taste, you may ask. I can't quite say if it was good or bad. All I can say is that it tasted like a car air freshener. A lot of those things are vanilla scented, and it tasted exactly like I was licking one of those things. Not that I've ever actually licked one of those things, but you know what I mean.

I actually had a bad experience with one of those air freshener things once. I bought it because it was a mini Senators jersey, so I thought I'd hang it from my rearview mirror. Man, was that a mistake! I didn't realize that it was supposed to smell like a full sized jersey right after a game...then sprayed by a skunk and rubbed in feces! I could barely breathe, and the car stank for a week.

Not to say that that's what the toothepaste tasted like...it just reminded me of that. Anyway, that gave me an idea for an invention. Edible air freshener. It smells good and tastes the same. It can come in a can, and you can spray it in the air, and then in your mouth. Alternatively, one of those clip-on air fresheners that double as breathmints. Just imagine the possibilities...

Poll #1: Add contact to all sports?

I’ve always been of the opinion that hitting is an essential part of hockey, but I never fully realized how much entertainment it adds to the game. Until now, I was a strong believer that checking is simply a strategic aspect to the game of hockey and that it holds no real excitement in and of itself.

Things have changed since I saw the following two educational films on sports that are currently non-contact, but should be made into full contact sports. This short film on cycling really opened my eyes to how much potential there is with contact. This second film is just as promising and exciting. I am now a strong proponent of adding contact to all sports.

Cast your vote in the comments.

Gaby vs. Darth Vader: Matches 1 and 2

I’d like to thank Max for showing me this wonderful website www.sithsense.com. Essentially it’s 20 questions with Darth Vader sponsored by Burger King. So Max and I are on the phone while Lord Vader is firing away all of his best at Max. Max tells me he has Tasmanian Devil in mind and we’re thinking it’s only a matter of time before he gives up. Somehow Vader pulls out all the plugs and gets it at question #23. Brilliant, I’m astounded, flabbergasted, I mean I thought Vader died in Return of the Jedi. We don’t have a portable phone (or toilet), so I tell Max I have to go check the site out for myself. At this point I’m not sure if Max is pulling my leg about the whole thing, but regardless I’m feeling really confident so I bet Max forty ‘g’s that I can stump Vader 9 out of 10.

I don’t have much room for error, so I give my first attempt lots of thought. Not sure whether to use electron or fart. Finally I settle on nostril hair. Vader’s asking some pretty dumb questions, and makes his first guess at #17 with Bacteria (not sure why, but it makes me kind of glad I didn’t choose electron). With #20 Vader guesses Manure (he really can read my mind!). Vader guesses Dog Food with #25 and comes so close at #28 with Stubble. I tell him he’s close so he goes and guesses Stone. Stone? Is that another name for nose hair? How is that close to Stubble? After 30 questions Vader finally gives up by giving me a list of the following guesses:

Gravel (small rounded bits of rock).
Chlorophyll.
A Stain.
DNA.
A Booger (boy am I glad I stayed away from the scatological stuff).
A Splinter (wooden).
An Atom.

I don’t understand why he felt the need to define gravel. If I had chosen gravel, I know what it is and if I don’t know what it is then how did he get it from my answers?

With my second attempt I decide to throw Darth a curveball and I choose Darth Vader (smart, huh). I figure he’s got no chance. Here it goes. The first 16 questions fly by, and Vader gives no indication of being close when at question #17 the Burger King comes and whispers something in his ear. I’d like to take this opportunity to point out that this is supposed to be 20 questions with Darth Vader! Also when I bet Max forty ‘g’s that I can stump Vader 9 out of 10 I had no idea that the Burger King would be helping him out, so the deal is off. The reason why I’m so worked up is because with #17 Darth Vader guesses Anakin Skywalker. Now technically that’s not correct, as I was thinking of Darth Vader, who is a completely different person (I’m not ever sure he qualifies as a person). I mean Vader and Anakin are about as similar as Saddam Hussein and Bert (from Ernie and Bert). After much deliberation I decide that I’m too biased to make a decision, so I decide to go and ask someone impartial (i.e. anyone besides for Max and I). I go to the corner-store, which is no longer Winks, it’s now a Macs and I have the following conversation:

Gaby: “Would you say Anakin and Vader are the same?”
Macs Cashier: “Are you crazy? That’s like comparing Saddam Hussein and Bert”

I settle back to my computer and tell Vader that he’s close. He then spits out Knight, and Spiderman as his next two guesses before asking his next question which is “Does it contain a liquid?” I figure blood counts as a liquid, so I say yes. With #23, Vader asks “Is it straight?” I’m not sure what he means by this question. At first I think maybe he’s trying to hint to something between him and the emperor, but I quickly come to my senses and realize that there’s no way he’s gay (can’t forget about Luke and Leia) I mean: "I don't like sand. It's course and it gets everywhere. It's not soft, soft like you” is way too suave for a gay guy. At #26 Vader guesses Luke Skywalker. Next question: “Do you know any songs about it?” Does the imperial march count as a song? After much deliberation I say yes (even if it doesn’t, there must be a song with Lord Vader in it). Vader then asks me if you can hold it. James Earl Jones is one big mama, so I’ll have to say no (and yes I know he only provided the voice). For some reason this leads to the guess Detective (apparently detectives are known for not being held or something). Vader then guesses bodybuilder (completely unrelated, I've always wondered if Vader worked out. If you have the force do you need to work out? I mean look at Yoda). Vader gives up by supplying his last list of guesses: Batman, A Wizard, A Neanderthal, A Firefighter, A Superhero, A Criminal, A Jedi Knight.

I’m completely wiped. But so far I’m 2 for 2. Stay tuned.

Life After Protest?

Alright...I thought it was time that I add something to this blog. I don't know if anyone will read it, but this just might be the post that brings in the masses.

Recently, Gaby and I went to Washington DC for the day following Bagra's wedding in Baltimore. Aside from getting lost looking for the Lincoln Memorial, getting a $100 ticket, and eating awesome Chinese Food, there is one thing that I'd like to write about. Across the street from the White House, there was some cukoo sitting in a tent with clumsily-made signs and pictures all around the tent. This guy looked pretty weird, and we had no idea what was up with him. He looked homeless, but I've never seen a homeless guy with a tent before...that would classify him more as a 'permanent camper' or something like that. Regardless, we assumed that this was some sort of weird protest, and didn't pay it much thought.

Upon returning home, I saw that Fahrenheit 9/11 was available to watch for free on TMN On Demand, so I thought I'd watch it. At one point in the movie, Michael Moore goes to Washington with this woman whose son was killed in Iraq. There's this one scene where they're right in front of the White House....and sure enough, there's that freakshow sitting desheveled in his tent just across Pennsylvania Avenue! What's up with that? I've tried to figure out when Fahrenheit 9/11 was filmed and couldn't, but it was released in June of 2004. Guaranteed that scene was filmed before then.

Now I ask you, what's this guy doing? They spoke with him, and they figured out that he's protesting the war in Iraq. Excellent job, buddy. Each day you're convincing George Bush a little bit more just how wrong he's been. I can just imagine Bush seeing this guy for the 400th straight day, and thinking, "Wow! That guy's still here? Some wacko with a tent has too much time on his hands...we'd better bring our troops home!" That, or Bush also thinks the guy's homeless. But my real question is, doesn't this guy have a life? He's been sitting across the street from the White House for over a year? Doesn't he get bored? May be has a Gameboy in there with him. Does he work or eat? Maybe he has wireless internet and he's a daytrader. Maybe it's like those movie lines for Star Wars where people are lined up for months - they check in and out, but spend all their free time in the line...or in this case, in a tent. Maybe when a friend comes to take a shift, this guy goes and changes his clothes, gets in his Mercedes which he'd parked in an underground lot a couple blocks away, and goes home to his mansion. Although, what could be more glamourous than having the president as your neighbour?

Anyway, let's say the war ends and Bush brings everyone home from Iraq. Or what if Kerry had won? What happens now? Where does this guy go? He's lost his job, his friends, his wife, his car, his home...I mean he's been out of commission for over a year. And now, what purpose does his life have? There's no further reason for him to sit outside the White House and freak people out. The tent days are over, my friend.

Now I guess the guy really is homeless. Easy transition, though.