QUOTI (v. 1.1)

"BOYS!!"
-EA

Captain's Log C

I was gonna stop posting these cause nobody seems to find them as entertaining as I do. (tell me in the comments if I'm wrong.) But this one was just too good to not post.


Date: The fourth day of Sickmas

On the fourth day of Sickmas my body gave to me:
4 heat flashes
3 hacking coughs
2 dripping nostrils
And a sore throat that will not go away.

Ya, so other than contracting an alien virus, things are holding up real smooth over here. In fact, it's been a very wonderful and event week and I've got nothings to complain about.

Let's see... we went on a hike in the Galali (or however you spell it) while it was sunset. The was a gorgeous site and a very enjoyable hour and a half. I, of course, was always right at the front of the group, except when I stayed behind with Yehuda to explore the fortress that was built into the caves. We got the tour guide mad at us. But he couldn't really complain cause we were the only two guys who had any enthusiasm for the whole thing.

Best part of the hike was right at the beginning, when the walkable parts were so narrow that you had to hold onto ropes to prevent yourself from falling down onto a spiky and rocky grave (no, nobody died....this time.) And at the end, I started running down the mountain to the main road (it's a very steep and windy trail) and I didn't know that I'd be running down steps that were covered in rocks. no injuries, but I think I've still got an above average heart rate.

For the weekend, I pretty much spent all my time reading the third book of the Shadowleague, a great series which I highly recommend, as it is clean and compelling. But now I'm down to one more book, so if you are coming into town, stop off at my house and pick up some of the books I left behind. You don't have to, but it would be much appreciated.

Ah, now we hit Sunday supper, where the choice of our class got BBQ with the teacher. So much better than mass cooked food, let me tell you. Can't say that it was the best BBQ, but it was good enough to tide me over until the season comes around again.

And finally, Tuesday, where I ate an entire pineapple for lunch. Granted, it was a small one and it wasn't as sweet as the ones in the States/Canada, but it was still good. I think I'm going to buy a starfruit for Rosh Hashana. They're cheap and I loves them.

For those of you who are interested. Crescendo, chap 4, is now complete, with the little bit of typing time that I have been allowed. As such, I'll be working on Search for the next while, until I decide to switch again. What fun the future holds (ya, right).

As for location, you can reach me if you come to visit Israel (Address deleted by poster because he's paranoid) in Maalot Dafna. But we all know that's never gonna happen. Meh. Well, that's all.

Happy to be seeing clouds,

Zev Fox

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Does anybody know what a peptide is? Explain, Gavriel, without deviating into any parts of the body I wouldn't approve of."

-EA

They're back!

Parliament is back! You realize this is the single greatest event EVER to happen to this blog. Our entries will practically write themselves now.

As some of you know, I’ve been hired to choose the cast for the new CBC documentary, “Sleeping on the Job: The Canadian Parliamentarian Story.” I’d like to know what you think my following casting choices:

Paul Martin will be played by Michael Caine

Alexa McDonough will be played by Barbara Walters

Gilles Duceppe will be played by Peter Riegert

Bill Graham will be played by, well... Billy Graham

Anne McLellan will be played by that short woman from The Incredibles

Peter Milliken will be played by John Turner

...and Jack Layton will be played by Mr.Potato Head

Addendum: More Criticism Given

Of course, when you get right down to it, it's pretty hard to argue any of this without the fundamental starting-point that the Torah is a document of divine origin. If your correspondent is unconvinced of that initial premise, and if he is astute, you ought to have tremendous difficulty convincing him of just about any theological truth.

Criticism Given

Dear Capt. Salamander,

I have much to say regarding your article, from the theologically earthshaking to the nitpickingly pedantic. In no particular order:

1. Did you want to say "warm and fuzzy?" I don't have a problem with "gooey;" I'm just pointing it out because it's a little unusual.

2. I don't find that the statement "we do mitzvos because we believe that God commanded us to" is always either true or sufficient. Your assertion that a Jew ought to perform a mitzvah purely because God commanded him thus, and not on account of the consequences of its performance, may describe an ideal (I'm not sure), and it is certainly important to understand what one's religion considers ideal. However, in practice, I don't believe that most people follow most mitzvos for the reason you provide, and it is my impression that Judaism doesn't have a really big problem with that. It is my (potentially flawed) understanding that performing a mitzvah because one is afraid of being punished for sinning, or because one wishes reward for acting righteously, or because one wishes to become closer (read, connected) to God, or, perhaps, for other reasons, is a perfectly respectable, if not an ideal, religious act. I'd actually be curious to know whether any authorities say that the desire to become closer to God is, indeed, the ideal motivation; the notion sounds familiar. I'm quite sure I've been taught that every mitzvah we perform brings us closer to God.

I think your correspondent's principal error is not his expectation that mitzvah performance will connect him to God, or his implication that he is willing to perform mitzvos in order to achieve such connection (though I admit I'm suspicious). I think the problem with his question is that he implicitly assumes he ought to be able to understand how each mitzvah he performs connects him to God, when we don't fully grasp the process of connecting with God, or even, really, what it means in the first place. Jews believe that the Torah is a manual outlining how to become closer to God, which, again, dogmatically, is a good thing, whatever it is. If you assign the Torah validity, then you know (theoretically) what to do to make it happen. If not, you're on your own (and good luck to you). So while I agree with you that "it doesn't matter," what doesn't matter is how the connection happens, not that it does. You can give him the Torah's guarantee that the latter will occur.

It is also true, however, that if your correspondent finds one day that he's not motivated to perform mitzvos even despite the guarantee of increased connection to God as a result of performance, he's still got to do them. He'd therefore better have an alternate reason to observe mitzvos on hand. You're probably now thinking to yourself, "Right, that's why I told him we do mitzvos just because God commanded us to." See (3).

3. Another insufficiency I find with the statement "we do mitzvos because we believe that God commanded us to" is that it assumes a unobvious causal relationship between believing that some guy (let's call him "God") commanded us to do something and believing that we have a moral obligation to do it. I don't think your correspondent necessarily has that issue in mind, and I'm not especially suggesting raising it, but I think it's worth being aware that it is a philosophical hole in your writing (a pluggable one, mind you), and I'd say if you can avoid it with a bit of semantic maneuvering, do it.

4. I think the end of your "Part 1" has an incomplete argument. You say that explanations, etc., of mitzvos "must" be secondary, not primary (as motivation for performing the mitzvos). Now, to begin with, that can mean either that it is imperative that they be secondary, or that it is impossible that they are primary. It sounds as though you mean the former, which is quite all right. However, you need to tie up your theological loose ends. If one is motivated to perform a mitzvah because of some result, emotional or otherwise, of its performance, he may well, indeed, stop performing the mitzvah either if he ceases to detect the result, or if the result ceases to be sufficiently important to him. So what? Maybe at that point, that particular person isn't supposed to be doing that mitzvah any more. You've got to add in the fact that the Torah isn't supposed to apply only partially, or only to some Jews, or only some of the time. Since our particular person is supposed to be performing his problem mitzvah all the time, it is imperative that he have some stock reason for continuing to perform it, even if his "result-based" reasons fail. Back to (3).

(It may also be that since mitzvos are obligatory whenever applicable, it is logically impossible that such motivations as the explanations to which you allude ought to be the primary reason/s for any mitzvah's performance. I'm just noting that for elegance's sake; I don't think it's germane in the context of this discussion.

P.S. Max taught me the word "germane.")

5. What's "on the side of the coin?"

6. Do both your examples of "Reform Shabbos" have to involve hunting animals?

7. There are numerous spelling and a few grammatical errors that I'll list if you want me to. It's important (I even saw this written by Rabbi Frand, quoting Rav Gifter), especially when writing for an audience whom you hope to convince of something, to write in language as polished as possible. (I realize that I'm just dealing with a draft here, so I'm not holding you responsible.)

8. It's "Charlton." That one's driving me nuts.

P.S. I just realized that there's such a thing as "comments" on this thing, which I have now read. Some of what I've written seems to be already covered ground, but I'm too lazy to modify it, so you'll just have to read through it or ignore it. Also, when you say that we do mitzvos because God commanded us to, why do you specifically give the example of hilchos niddah?

Criticism Wanted!

Recently I have been having a very enlightening email exchange with a formerly-Orthodox fellow on a wide range of topics, in all of which I am a complete am ha'aretz. Among other things, we've discussed cosmology, bible criticism and archaeology. Recently, he asked me the following question...

"How does not turning off the light on Shabbos connect me to God?"

My reply is written below. What I would like from all of the bloggers and commentators is a critique of my answer. Should I send it or not?

Here is my reply:

The short answer is it doesn't matter. The longer answer will take a little more explanation.

Part I: It Doesn't Matter

Although I'm sure this won't make you feel warm and gooey inside, it is essential to realize why we do Mitzvos. We DO NOT do Mitzvos because they "connect us to Hashem" or "make us feel spiritual" or "elevate our lives" or any other of the Kiruvy mantras. (These may be side-effects of a Torah observant life, but they are not the reasons we act the way we do). We do Mitzvos because we believe that God commanded us to. Period. Any explanations or insights into the reasoning of the mitzvos (which are incredibly important, by the way) must be secondary. I say "must" because if the explanations are made primary, people will decide to stop doing mitzvos when they no longer feel "inspired" or "uplifted" by the reasoning behind them.

Part II: Of Course it Matters

As I'm sure you have noticed, Shabbos observance is regarded very highly by the Torah. It is the fourth of the Ten Commandments (Ex. 20:8) and the flagrant violation of Shabbos is punishable by stoning (Num. 15:32). But what is Shabbos observance? And on the side of the coin, what is a violation of Shabbos?

The Torah tell us (Ex. 20:10) that "the seventh day is Sabbath to Hashem your God; you shall do no melacha..." Why? The Torah continues (ibid. v. 11): "...for in six days God made the heavens and the earth... and he rested on the seventh day. Therefore, God blessed the Sabbath and sanctified it."

So what is this melacha (commonly translated as work) and why does the Torah take it so seriously? Some (Reform, etc.) would like to understand Shabbos as an indivudally defined day of rest. Resting once a week seems to be a pretty good idea so to each his own. If Gerry's concept of "rest" is fly-fishing, then go for it. If Fred finds hunting prize-winning deer relaxing, well then that's his Oneg Shabbos.

The problem with that line of thinking is that it cannot be reconciled with the Torah's view of Shabbos. As we mentioned earlier, the Torah mandates the death penalty for the violation of Shabbos. If we believe that the Torah represents God's will as transmitted to Moshe and the Jewish nation, we must take that injunction against desecrated the Shabbos very seriously. How does an indivdually defined "day of rest" work in front of a Bais Din?

Bais Din: You were hunting deer on Shabbos, Fred? Apparently, your were observed and warned by witnesses.
Fred: Yep that's true.
Bais Din: Well, you are aware that the penalty for all this is stoning. And I don't mean in the Rastafarian sense.
Fred: Well as I see it, hunting deer is not melacha. I've always understood melacha to mean difficult, manual labor. I find hunting Bambi extremely relaxing.
Bais Din: Good point. How were we so silly as to have thought otherwise? You can go free!

Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, does it?

So if we are to eaccept the Divinity of the Torah, there must be an overarching definition of melacha. The Talmud tells us that a melacha is any one of the creative acts, or their logical derivatives, that were involved in the building of the Tabernacle. If we recall from the Ten Commandments (the passages in the Torah, not the movie starring Charleton Heston), we are enjoined to cease performing melacha on Shabbos because "in six days God made the heavens and the earth."

Man is superior to the beasts of the earth in that he is endowed with the God-given capacity for making significant creative improvements in his environment (as much as I love chimpanzees, I would hardly call using a stick to dig for termites a "significant creative improvement"). Human beings are capable of conquering their surroundings and improving their habitat to better suit their purposes. Not only are we capable of conquering the earth, we are in fact commanded to do so (Gen. 1:28). This creative ability to improve the world is one of the ways in which we are similar, albeit on an infinitely smaller scale, to God himself.

The problem with being made in God's image (Gen. 1:26) is that we have a tendency to forget all about our Creator. We look around the world, marvelling at our sprawling cities and advanced technology, and lose sight of the One who has endowed us with the creative capacity for civilization. We forget that "in six days God made the heavens and the earth."

That's where Shabbos comes in. God did not want His nation to be able to forget their mission on earth. He did not want His people to be able to go through even one week without stopping and remembering the source of their creative energy. On Shabbos, we cease melacha, a definition that encompasses every form of creative activity; in doing so, we return God's Earth into his metaphorical hands.

According to our halachic decisors (the very same ones to whom we are enjoined to obey in Deut. 17:11 - "...you shall not deviate from the word that they will tell you, right or left."), the use of electricity on Shabbos constitutes a melacha (the halachic discussion of whether electricity is considered boneh, makeh b'patish, havarah, or another category is beyond the scope of this response) and is therefore forbidden on Shabbos.

When we refrain from switching off the light on Shabbos, we are essentially affirming God's sovreignty over the world. We are testifying, through our passive inaction, that we are not the true masters of our creative endeavours. Our success in this world is not truly ours; we are only acting with the creative abilities that were given to us by God.

In response to the original question, what greater connection can one form with God than by actively remembering His involvement in our world and our lives?

N.B. I realize that this response, given that I am not a talmid chacham, is far from adequate. For an excellent introduction to appreciating Shabbos, I recommend Dayan I. Grunfeld's Sabbath: A Guide to Its Understanding and Observance, published by Feldheim. Another fantastic source for understanding Shabbos is R' S.R. Hirsch's Horeb, pages 61-77.

What School Readings?

As many of you know, I’m an excellent procrastinator. Consequently I do most of my school readings on the subway/bus on the way to school. If I’m really good, I manage to find an interesting conversation to listen to on the subway/bus and get the reading done in the first half of the lecture while the professor rambles on about the various atrocities which have occurred to the Iraqi people at the hands of the Americans, and how we Canadians would be lucky to have someone like Saddam Hussein as our Prime Minister. Don’t forget I’m in an undergrad for business, but that’s YorkU for you.

The other day I was on the bus heading for school trying to hone (fine tune?) my procrastinating skills. I was having a rather difficult time of it, as the nearest conversation was taking place a quarter bus length away from me. I was straining my ears, focusing all my attention on every wandering syllable, hoping to make out a sentence here or there. I was about to give up and turn back to “Marketing in a Global Age: Don’t You Just Love Saddam’s Moustache” when at last a group of three people standing right in front of me (a pregnant lady, a blind man, and a really old man with a cane) started up a conversation (ok, fine, they were three late teen, early-twenty somethings). The conversation went something like this:

Pregnant lady: I’m thinking of droping Norwegian (This is not a lie. She actually said this, although I can’t seem to find the course in York’s online catalogue).
Blind man: Oh you should take this other course I’m dying to get into (To emphasize this point, blind man pulls 40 packs of cigarettes out of his knapsack and smokes them all at once, seen here).
Really old man with cane: (Shuffles his feet in a poor attemp to mask a fart)
Blind man: This course is given by this fabulous professor. This past summer at this conference I heard her give a lecture about park rangers and gender. Her lecture was specifically focused on lesbian park rangers.
Really old man with cane: What’s a lesbian?
Pregnant lady: Oh, she sounds wonderful…

It’s days like this when it’s hard to get any work done. Wether it’s due to the clouds of billowing smoke invading your lungs from some nutcase who is smoking 40 packs of cigarettes all at the same time (on an inclosed bus to boot) or it’s simply a conversation about park rangers and lesbianism, my reading is simply going to have to wait.

Note to my parents: In reference to my school readings, I have used my literary license to modify the timeline in which my readings actually occur.

"Captain's Log B" - Another update from Li'l Huda Jnr.

Star date 958-t45.

If you haven't realized yet, I've had to change my log entry date to wednesday because I have found a community center near the dorms that allows access to internet only on Wednesday (I don't know why)
And if you also haven't noticed, I may have been a tad negative in my last log. So...onto the good stuff.

MAny of you (one person) may have mistaken my mention of cats being everywhere as a bad thing. Rest assured, I love the cute little guys. Today, I was watching a bunch of kids playing with a little disease riddled kitten. I'm not sure who will get more sick from this encounter: the kids or the cat. I'm betting the cat got the short end of the stick, though.
I've gotten some what familiar with my surroundings now, enough to knoiw where I can by fruits, at least. And I've also gotten settled into my dorm, though I'm being forced to be the clean one.

And speaking of roomates(nobody was, but whatever), mine might be changing schools. In order to test out the other school, he will be sleeping in their dorms for a week, meaning I can actually go to sleep without being woken up in the middle of the night. Woot!!

Hmm, guess there's not much to say. It's Ray's birthday on Sept. 30, so I've gotten him a little present (cost: 100 shek. He'd better like it. I'm also getting him waffers. The good kind.)

Oh ya! I hooked up a computer in the school office. In exchange, I'm being allowed time on it to type and maybe, if they decided to, I can check my e-mail from there. That'd be sweet. When we hooked it up, the wallpaper was of a guys back in a yellow litard. Not. Pleasant.
Well, I'll be signing off for now. Keep sending aswome piccys and have funs. Did I mention I miss Ottawa loads?

Thinking I'd better hurry to class now,
Zev Fox

Word Verification for Comments

As some people may have noticed, our blog seems to be popular among the ad-bots. Although I know we all love following links to "pre-gabricated steel roofs," I thought it would be wise to weed out these delinquent computer-generated posts.

Although we appreciate SHOCKING! and SELDOM SEEN! solutions to our thinning hairlines...

I hope no one minds the word verification system provided by Blogger for our comments.

Daniel In Yeshiva

Here is the latest update of Daniel's stay in Israel. This is a copy of an e-mail he sent to friends and family. Despite what you may read, he is actually having a great time in Yeshiva.


Date: See the e-mail you lazy man.
Well, it's the weekend of my second week and I am at my cousin's house in mivaserit,and if you don't know where that is, well neither do I. But I can say this: it's much nicer here than it was in Jerusalem.

I'm staying in a dorm that is 7 floors. each floor has one bathroom and the rooms themselves are about the size of a walk in closet. It doesn't help that my room-mate is messy and never cleans. So I've got to be the neat one, which goes against everything I stand for. Well, I will survive.

Some facts about Jerusalem: it's cramped and crowded, dirty and covered in garbage, crawling with cats and hot. But that's still better than the dirty looks I've been getting. I don't think they like Americans to much, at least the pure bred Israelis at least. The American ones love us, of course, though I'm Canadian. Not that it makes much of a difference to them, eh?

Two weeks and going strong. I'm sure I'll last the year, but there ain't no way that I'll be coming back next year. Not that I don't like school, just that I miss carpets, a good bed and clean water (the water is drinkable, it's just hard. For you non science buffs, that means it has lots of minerals dissolved into it.) Oh, and non-3% milk. That's the only kind I can find anywhere.
One thing I keep doing is instead of speaking Herbrew, I end up switching to french. I wanted to say "please" to one guy and ended up saying "si vous plez". Maybe that's why I'm getting dirty looks. *shrugs

Oh ya. The other day, one of the sewer pipes or the drainage system or something burst, so it literally smelled like crap around the dorms for a good few hours. Fortunately, the smell was only around and not in the dorms.
Well, I'll report back later. Until then, (hopefully next week, I think I found an access closer to the dorms) your captain will be happpily surfing the net while he can.

Laters,
Zev Fox

In the case of 6 month old Keylandra...

As you know, I work and take courses all from home. That being the case, I like to watch TV while I take breaks for lunch, and one of the things that's on in the daytime is talkshows. I haven't really gotten into anyone but Maury Povich, but I really enjoy him.

About 7 out 10 shows are paternity tests. 1 out of 10 is lie detector results to see if people are cheating on their spouses. 1 out of 10 is either about cheaters caught on tape or people whose lives were ruined by someone secretly taping them. And the 10th show out of 10 is usually a makeover show. Somtimes it's "Turn that frumpy housewife into the sexy woman I married!" and sometimes it's "My hair is a nightmare...I need a makeover to fix my life!" and so on. There are exceptions, but that's the usual formula.

Anyway, the paternity test shows are always the funniest, because you've got 18-year old Shaniqua back for her fourth visit to the show to test the 5th and 6th man for the paternity of 2 year old Kamal Jr...and neither of them are the father. The names are one of the best parts...recently I saw one person named Nay-Nay and another named Mylove. Give me a break. Anyway, I told Huda two of the better stories the other night and we both thought that I should post them here:

Story 1

LaKenya is on the show to test two men to see which is the father of 5 year old Zion. The father might be LaKenya's finace, Quentin, or another man, Curtis. This is not uncommon on the show. But here's the twist - Curtis is Quentin's half-brother. They share the same father. Then Maury says, "But here's where it gets even more confusing..." Why? Because LaKenya and Curtis just found out six months ago that they share the same mother! What a typical all-American happy family! In the end, neither Curtis nor Quentin were the father...it's a third stranger.


Story 2

Now, even without having seen the show, you can tell what kind of people these are that are getting tested all the time. A tiny number of them look like decent people that just got into some trouble. However, most of them are the lowest class you can find. So, it's so happened a number of times that I've seen, that by the time the woman gets through the first 3 guys and it's proven that none of them are the father, she realizes that one of the other potential fathers is someone who was killed in a gang fight a year ago. She then tests his parents to see if their DNA matches the baby's. When this happens, usually the potential grandparents are pretty happy to think that they might have a grandchild from their dead son, so they treat the woman nicely and are happy if their son was the father. I always have to laugh, because if the son were alive, I'm positive he'd be the same as all of the other potential fathers - insulting the woman, calling her every bleeped out explative he can think of, saying that the father could be any of 100s of guys and that he's 2000% sure he's not the father...against the 300% sure she is that he is the father. But because he's dead, it's all good.

The other day, I see an episode where a middle-aged woman is back for her second visit. Why? Because this is the second time that a young girl has brought her to the show to see if her dead son is the father of her baby. Last time it was proven that he had been the father. Now, this woman wants to prove that deceased Anthony fathered her twin daughters. Are you ready for it? Their names are Tinia and Tiniya (pronounced Tin-E-a and Tin-I-a). Anway, it's shown that Anthony was the father, and so this woman now has two more grandchildren. While the two women are hugging and celebrating, I notice that the camera keeps zooming in and focusing on this white box on the table next to the mother. Back on the women, back on the box. I'm thinking to myself, what the hell is the point of the box...holy crap, that's the son's ashes!

Michael Moore, Sean Penn and other natural disasters

Esteemed political analyst and moral philosopher, Michael Moore has recently revealed his cunning brilliance once again. Our posteriorly portly pundit has decided that George W. Bush, not a hurricane, is responsible for the disaster in New Orleans. This conclusion is a result of Moore's long held belief that George W. Bush is Satan, and, as such, is responsible for every disaster to befall God’s green earth. This is a statement of his made on Sept. 8 and found on his website (to which I refuse to provide a hyperlink - emphasis to follow mine):

“There is much to be said and done about the man-made annihilation of New Orleans, caused not by a hurricane but by the very specific decisions made by the Bush administration in the past four and a half years.”

Well there you have it. It was not a hurricane that created the deep deluge in which now floats New Orleans, but rather a physical result of George Bush’s Pure Evil. I assume Bush initiated the disaster just prior to returning home, via the river Acheron, to Hades where he spent the evening eternally consuming the bodies of Brutus and Cassius and devouring the head of Judas Iscariot.

I, like many, have compassion for the victims who had to suffer an onslaught which left so many in a state of agony. Because in addition to the arrival of Hollywood celebrities, they also had to deal with the flood water as well.

Our meretricious Hollywood friends pulled out all stops this time. The tinsel twits started arriving in droves and looked as though they were going on some exotic adventure into Africa. Some celebs to make an appearance on the wet carpet were Julia Roberts, John Travolta, Chris Rock (though I thought the doctors were trying to relieve trauma) and … of course … Oprah®!!!!!!!!!!

Yes! The TV goddess and inamorata to middle-class women between the ages of 25 and 45, made an appearance to comfort the tired, the poor, the huddled masses yearning to breathe free, and of course, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Oprah® was on a summer break when the disaster struck, but dropped her holiday to host special episodes of her show from the Gulf Coast, even if it meant she would have to carry the burden of having higher ratings come the fall season. This is the type of selflessness we need to see more of. All sarcasm aside, I’m actually very happy that Oprah® would do something so noble. As everyone knows, Oprah® has a long, rich history of philanthropy and has probably given more money to charity over the years than the entire Gross National Product of Rwanda. But I still like making fun of her because she’s Oprah®. You go girl!

Sean Penn also waded his way through bacteria-contaminated water. He actually rescued up to 40 people, according to some. Initially, there were rumors that Penn’s boat sprung a leak, but on Larry King Live, Penn said the rumors were false and nothing like that happened at all. I’m glad this important issue has been clarified.

I’m not sure, however, that everyone would be entirely comfortable being rescued by Dud Man Paddling:

STRANDED VICTIM 1: Look out toward the horizon! A boat coming our way! At last, a man courageous enough to paddle through these dangerous waters to save us from starvation, death and disease! A man who will take us through these e-coli infested waters to safety and warmth!

STRANDED VICTIM 2: It’s Sean Penn.

STRANDED VICTIM 1: Oh, crap. Get back in the house before he sees us.

remembering the twin towers

Due to the recent hurricane in the southern U.S, it seems that people have forgotton that today is the infamous 9/11. The main reason for this forgetfulness seems to be the lack of media coverage, which is easily explained by the fact that all the media needs is one tragedy to exploit at a time. However, not everyone forgot about this tragic day. In my new shul, the Rabbi announced that it has been a tradition ever since 9/11 to sing adon olam to the tune of America the Beautiful, and then he proceded to do just that.

Caption #4

Chutzpah-nik of the Month Nominees: August 2005

As you all know, it has been a long-standing tradition of this blog (since August 2005) to nominate, at the beginning each month, a number of individuals who we think qualify for the “Chutzpah-nik of the Month Award.”

Chutzpah (hutz·pah) is defined by some as being similar to the type of gall displayed by a son who, after having killed his parents, asks the judge to be lenient on him, because he is a recent orphan.

These individuals, all of whom must be public figures, vie for this prize which will be given to the nominee with “the most Chutzpah-dik statement, action and/or behaviour actualized in the past month.”

Feel free to add your own nominations.

I humbly nominate the following for the month of August 2005:

#1 – Marc Emery:

Initially I was concerned that August would not yield any deserving chutzpah-niks because it is, generally, a very slow month. But then I came across Marc Emery and was reaffirmed in my inner conviction that, as technically advanced as Western civilization may be, there are still plenty of people out there with the brain power of cucumber.

Marc Emery is head of the British Columbia (pronounced “Colombia”) Marijuana Party (motto: “We Put the ‘Pot’ back in Potato Chips – literally.”). Emery was detained in Halifax in July for extradition on U.S. charges of conspiracy to launder money and distribute marijuana seeds and marijuana. As it turns out, during an 18-month investigation, the US Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA) sent undercover agents to pose as customers buying marijuana from Emery. The DEA asked that Emery be arrested for selling to Americans, and, earlier this summer, the RCMP picked him up. Now he is facing extradition to the United States, where he could be sentenced to at least 10 years (and possibly life in prison) if he is convicted on a number of drug-related charges.

So, you may be asking, how can the Evil Oppressive Human-Rights Violating Public Enemy of Freedom And All That is Good, United States arrest someone in That Country North of Them? They can actually do so under the Extradition Act which says that someone can be sent to the United States to be tried for acts that are considered an offence in both countries. Though rarely enforced, selling marijuana seeds in Canada is still illegal, a fact Canadian pot-dealers deny and, as a result, become flabbergasted when the police have the temerity to arrest them for that pesky detail of breaking the law.

What makes Emery a chutzpah-nik is not that he and his supporters are fighting his extradition on the grounds that 10 years in prison constitutes “cruel and unusual punishment,” a consequence from which the Charter of Rights and Freedoms protects Canadians (as absurd as that argument is.)

No, it is that upon getting out of jail on bail earlier this month, he compared himself to Mahatma Gandhi and Martin Luther King and said he was prepared to serve time to help his crusade to legalize pot. There are, however, some subtle differences between Gandhi, King and Marc Emery. For example, Gandhi and King exerted much energy and self-sacrifice, eventually at the expense of their own lives, to protest ignoble, racially discriminatory policies with a seldom seen dignified composure. Whereas Emery wants to smoke reefer.

Apparently concerned that the aforementioned comparison didn’t make him look like a big enough moron, Emery later added that he could "potentially receive the death sentence for this (in the United States),” which is, of course, a baseless lie. He heroically relayed to reporters "If I thought my death or my lifetime in prison - even with great suffering - would bring about the liberation of the hundreds of thousands of people around the world who are oppressed, I am looking forward to that." Remember when words like “liberation” and “oppressed” were associated with people who have truly suffered, as opposed to pot-heads who want to recreationally smoke grass? What an insult to all the individuals who have lived under truly oppressive regimes in the course of history.

And so, Marc Emery, as a man who knows nothing about true pain and suffering (let alone for a worthy cause), for your ostentatious comparison to individuals like Gandhi and King and self-portrayal as a martyr - I hereby nominate you “Chutzpah-nik of the Month.”

#2 – Harry Belafonte:

Famous Jamaican-American calypso singer, Harry Belfonte, who asked listeners to “tally his bananas” in his famous “Banana Boat Song,” has gone calypso once again.

On August 5, at a march in Atlanta to commemorate the 40th anniversary of the 1965 Voting Rights Act, Belafonte gave an interview with Cybercast News Service in which he dismissed the significance of African-Americans holding prominent positions in the Bush administration, saying: "Hitler had a lot of Jews high up in the hierarchy of the Third Reich. Color does not necessarily denote quality, content, or value."

I never thought anyone would be able to offend Jews, Blacks, Americans and Nazis all in the same sentence, but Belafonte did, and with great curtness, too. Ignoring the absurd comparison of the Bush Administration to the Third Reich, which I won’t even go into, Belafonte also made the egregious claim that Jews played a role “high up” in the Nazi hierarchy. Hitherto, I have heard of Jews being blamed for everything from the economy (only when it’s bad, mind you) to the recent New Orleans disaster, but I had always assumed the Jewish people were immune from the accusation of having helped to instigate their own Holocaust. I think we can all agree that Harry Belafonte has pioneered new ground in the industry of anti-Semitism.

Realizing that he had put his foot in his mouth, Belafonte apologized a few days later by putting his foot in his mouth again. After The Wyman Institute for Holocaust Studies criticized Belafonte, he changed his position, but continued to distort the historical record. In an interview with the Jerusalem Post on August 11, Belafonte admitted that "Jews weren't 'high up'" in the Hitler regime, but then claimed: "Jews did have a role, some did, in the demise and brutal treatment of the Jewish people." To support his allegation, Belafonte cited the 2002 book Hitler's Jewish Soldiers, by Prof. Bryan Mark Rigg.

The only problem was that Rigg never said anything of the sort. Rigg, who teaches history at American Military University replied to Belafonte’s idiotic misquotation by saying (emphasis to follow, all mine):

"My book, Hitler's Jewish Soldiers, shows that a number of people of partial Jewish ancestry served in the German military, but they did not even consider themselves Jews … In fact, many of them were later dismissed … and sent to forced labor camps where they themselves were persecuted and some were murdered … My book doesn't support him."

But why should Bealfonte bother to read the books he quotes? It’s such an unnecessary waste of valuable time thathe could better spend being yet another celebrity wacko. So why do I nominate him for Chutzpah-nik of the Month?

For one, he had the gall to compare the Bush Administration with Nazi Germany. As Wyman Institute director Rafael Medoff succinctly put it: "Hitler and his regime murdered six million Jews and launched a world war that caused more than forty million deaths. How can that be compared to current U.S. government policy?"

Also, after initially doing the noble thing by apologizing, Belafonte goes ahead and, with equal lack of discretion, misrepresents the message of the very book from which he is quoting.

Also, during his clumsy “apology,” Belafonte defended his comparison between Hitler and the Bush administration as "not inappropriate" given that current White House policies "detaining suspects without charges, creating an atmosphere of fear" are "very much similar to the things that were done when Hitler was on the rise." Sure! Very similar! Just like snatching every Jew from their homes, putting them in death camps, and stealing their property! He has such nerve to make this comparison, especially during an attempt to placate the Jewish audience he offended.

My favorite statement came during the failed “apology” when Belafonte, in an attempt to prove he was not an anti-Semite, recounted that he himself has visited Israel and spent some time in the theater in Tel Aviv. On one occasion, he boasts, he sang Hava Nagila for Moshe Dayan and his troops. "I still sing Hava Nagila,” Belafonte said “and I still do the best version of it." Well that settles everything then! He sang Hava Negilah! For Moshe Dayan!

Harry Belfonte, I hereby nominate you “Chutzpah-nik of the Month.”

The Perfect Scam

As many people know, I'm always on the lookout for the newest scam. Any plan that results in a swindled third party and fraudulent activity has my name written all over it (in caramel icing, no less!)

Reading Gaby's post about the Spanish thinking lessons got me confused. Surely there must be a better way to convince some gullible, unsuspecting sucker to part with his money. Something that didn't involve a flatulent canine. The following idea has been stewing about in the juices of my mind for some time. I believe it to be the an utterly foolproof scam, the perfect swindle...

Here are step-by-step instructions for the perfect crime (pronounced creme)...

a) Scope out your target

You're looking for your average, slightly neurotic (no, Mr. Perfect is not slightly neurotic) homeowner in a residential, suburban neighborhood. Let's call him - the Target.

b) Move in

This requires a bit of capital, a.k.a. cash up front, so don't try it unless you've got the dough-ray-me. Rent out two houses adjacent to Target's house and one across the street. Lie low for a couple of months (years?).

c) Go nuts

One of your accomplices (let's call him the Antagonist) should now take up residence in the house across the street from the Target. Over the course of several months, the Antagonist must do everything within his power to drive the Target insane. Suggestions include: knocking on his door at 3 AM and then when he opens the door, dousing yourself with gasoline and setting yourself aflame. But choose things that suit you. (Cover his car, cat and children in vasoline; steal his welcome mat and replace it with one made of his own hair - you shaved him in his sleep, remember?) Go your own pace.

When the Target calls the police to report that the Antagonist has been streaking across his lawn covered in peanut butter, further frustrate your now-completely insane homeowner by having your accomplices who rented the houses adjacent to the Target's (remember them?), deny all of the Target's allegations when questioned by Officer Steve Jones.

Repeat.

Repeat for another three months. This scam is not for the short-of-patience. Nor is this blog entry, for that matter.

d) Introduce yourself. As the Mafia.

After months of annoying the Target, you're now ready to make your all important first move. Knock on his door and introduce yourself as Don Franco Fruitiloni. Tell him that you know all about the problems he's been having with his crazy neighbor. Nod sympathetically.

Offer to kill the Antagonist. State your price and begin negotiations. If you've been doing your job well (i.e. you've already drenched all of the Target's underwear and tied them together outside in a veritable Gordian knot of bloomers), the Target should agree to pay you no less than $50,000 to terminate his hated foe.

Don't kill the Antagonist. If you have already you've messed up this scam big time. Any good swindle is murder-free!

Simply instruct your accomplice (a.k.a. the Antagonist) to leave town. The Target thinks that all of his problems have been solved and he can finally try to get the vasoline off his cat.

e) Introduce yourself again (in disguise!) As blackmailers.

Wait a couple of months until things have calmed down. Then knock on the Target's door again. Tell him you know all about his murder-for-hire deal. Show him the wiretaps. recordings and photographs. Show him your picture album containing a vintage print of Woodrow Wilson's favorite steed. Show him everything.

Tell him that unless he pays you the princely sum of 100,000 pounds sterling (or dollars), you will tell the police everything you know.

f) Skip town.

I couldn't believe that it's a real thing.

A month or two ago the new Ottawa Jewish Phone Directory came out, and we had submitted our info for inclusion. So now, we fully expect to get calls from all the Jewish organizations when they're looking for money. Anyway, the other day we got a letter from the JCC adressed to "Rabbi David..." It was a form letter encouraging us to become members, and at the bottom of the letter, was handwritten in, "We would love to see you with an ORTHODOX membership!"

I had three questions. First, were the CAPITALS really necessary? Second, You don't want me with a regular membership? You're trying to keep us beardies in our own group as far away from everyone else as possible? And finally, what the hell is an "Orthodox membership", if there is such a thing? Does it give us access to the keilim mikveh, the regular mikveh and the restaurant? I mean, what else do we need if we're living in the Dark Ages?

So, I went on their website, and sure enough, in among the "Chai membership," the "Shalom membership," and all their other nonsense Hebrew classifications, was "Orthodox membership." It gives you member rates for all programs as well as access to the separate swims.

I guess their information wasn't updated, because I was hoping to sign up for a "Beth Shalom membership." That allows anyone into the separate swims, regarldess of gender. And if anyone complains, you're entitled to accuse them of destroying the pool in the name of halacha.