"Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never vote for President. One hopes it is the same half."
"Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never vote for President. One hopes it is the same half."
I've noticed there has been some discussion of Torah and Science on this blog, and I know that many of the bloggers are currently in Toronto, so I thought you might want to know that this weekend there are a number of programs being organized by Torah in Motion involving guest speakers discussing "Toah and Science: Conflict or Convergence", including Rabbi Slifkin, Rabbi Broyde, and Prof. Aviezer. Check their website at http://www.torahinmotion.org/ for details. I believe there's also a Friday night dinner at Or Chaim, specifically for students, with Prof. Aviezer talking about "Have Scientists Discovered G-d?", but today is the deadline for reserving a spot at the Friday night dinner.
"I have never seen a professional baseball game, an episode of Dallas or of Roseanne Barr or of Geraldo Rivera or of the black lady who is alternately fat and thin, I forget her name."
VICTORIA - Mr. Floatie, the costumed feces mascot who wanted to be mayor of Victoria, has withdrawn his name as a candidate for the position. That means the city of Victoria is no longer launching a challenge in B.C. Supreme Court against the nomination by the man who dresses up as a brown, smiling piece of feces. Victoria administrator Robert Woodland confirmed Mr. Floatie's name has been withdrawn as a candidate for mayor in the upcoming municipal election. James Skwarok, the man inside the costume, was not available for comment. On Monday, Mr. Swkarok said the city appeared to take issue with his candidacy because only real people can run for municipal office. He said that was a moot point. "Of course I'm not a real person, I'm a big piece of poop." He added that he was "beyond bummed out." Mr. Floatie has become a regular sight at public gatherings. He passes out pamphlets drawing attention to Victoria's practice of pumping sewage directly into the Juan de Fuca after only a screening to remove solids.
"He seems like an average type of man. He's not smart. I'm not trying to rag on him or anything. But he has the same mentality I have—and I'm in the eighth grade."
"That's fine phonetically, but you're missing just a little bit."
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
"David might have said, 'I'll just step down and become King Emeritus.'"
We are taking nominations in preparation of the selection of the weirdest English adverb.
"This is the only program in the world that will tell you what to do if you are charged by a muskox."
"But I like being young, vibrant and energetic, dammit!"
Adherent, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.
Something weird just happened. I opened the blog, and it appeared in (I guess) a different template. It was more sophisticated-looking, but there were no margins. I was nearly overwhelmed by claustrophobia. Has anyone else ever been traumatized thus? Why did this have to happen? Is it for the same reason hevnsangel19's pizza came late?
For momentary amusement, go to www.gscarows.blogpot.com.
I'm currently at University and I have diarrhea. In my opinion University ranks Top Five in "the worst places to be when you have diarrhea." It's horribly annoying to have to lose your computer in the computer lab in order to go to the bathroom and then have to wait in line to get a computer when you return from the bathroom, only to lose the computer yet again when your colon calls. At least I know the whereabouts of the best bathroom on the entire campus, a well kept secret which I will not reveal.
Just so you all know, Sharon and I will be getting married on May 21, 2006. All are invited - except Doughboy, we can't possibly hope to be able to afford to feed him. Presumably you will all get invitations in the mail at some point between now and then.
Angelica Mazua, an Angolan facing international drug smuggling charges, was voted Miss Penitentiary 2005 after a six-hour contest pitting 40 female inmates from 10 prisons around Brazil's largest city, Sao Paulo. "People told me, 'You're tall. You should enter the contest,' so that's why I entered," said Ms. Mazua, who has been jailed for four months and could be sentenced to about five years behind bars if she's convicted. "I've always been interested in fashion." Other women imprisoned on charges of everything from armed robbery to drug trafficking also took part in the contest that officials began last year as a way of trying to boost inmates' self esteem.
Entertaining a girl you have never spoken to, at the dozens of weddings your husband inevitably gets invited to by yeshiva alumni.
Adder, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.
To Meir Friedman on his Bar Mitzvah. Mazel tov to Shifrah, Asher, Nechama, Yehuda and Aidel Friedmen on avoiding being roaſted at the party Saturday night. Condolences to Elie, Max, Joey and Shlomo Friedmen on not being so lucky.
"The Montreal Olympics can no more have a deficit than a man can have a baby."
"A Canadian is somebody who knows how to make love in a canoe."
"She hurt her leg sliding down a barrister."
"The trouble with Gerry Ford is that he used to play football without a helmet."
Presumably, when last week's parsha refers to "beer-lehai-roi," the king getting the drink is Darius the Mead.
Judaism, like most religions, recognizes the concept of “holy places” At the top of the pyramid, no doubt, sits Mount Moriah, where may of the foundational events of Judaism occurred. Its status as a place of sanctity is entrenched within both Jewish lore and halacha.
Adamant, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.
Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.
"Rabbi X gets up to the microphone and says.... Microphone goes back to Rabanan."
I was going to post this some other time, but in order to continue the theme of "Actually, E=MC³," (Nov. 23/05), I think I'll do it now. This is for all those who don't have a copy of the 1995 OTI yearbook, in which this article appeared.
I ordered a pizza, which should take 15 minutes to make and 15 minutes to deliver for a total of 30 minutes. The guy told me to expect in an hour because of traffic. I had no problem with this. However, it is now approaching 2 hours, and I do have a problem with this. Why would such a thing happen? Am I being lied to? How cold will my pizza be when it arrives?
I am writing in response to "Regurgitating the cogitation" (Nov. 24/05), which was in turn a response to my original post on the topic, "Cogitation" (Nov. 23/05). To recap very briefly, I initially argued (1) that it is not irrational for Rabbi Gottlieb to use simultaneously "Living Up to the Truth" and the theory that the universe was created 5766 years ago looking billions of years old; and (2) that the latter theory is not inherently "weak or cheap." Captain Salamander, in his response (the bulk of which I have copied, italicized, and coloured blue, below), seems not to question (1). He presents two objections: (a) that I used a poor analogy in arguing that Rabbi Gottlieb's "old-looking-creation" theory is not weak or cheap; and (b) that the Gottliebian arguments discussed thus far on this blog do not answer all the problems modern academic findings create with the historical records of Genesis, whereas a non-literal reading of Genesis does. In the paragraphs below, I will address (a), and argue that (b) is simply irrelevant to the discussion at hand.
Usually, this type of liquidation sale is reserved for when a store is going bankrupt, but in Thailand, they're doing it in reverse! Check this out.
I read Lord Voldemort's previous post with great interest. Imagine the coincidence! Just a few days ago, I also had a conversation with a friend of mine on a similar topic. Here are some of my thoughts (i.e. disorganized ramblings) on the topic of Gosse, Gottleib and the Mystery of the Irrational Explanation.
Acknowledge, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.
"If I ate it, then I might explode, and make a mess on the floor."
The following headline appears on page A17 of today's Citizen:
I was recently discussing the writings of Rabbi Dr. Dovid Gottlieb of Ohr Sameyach (is that how you spell it?) with friends. Rabbi Gottlieb is the author of "Living Up to the Truth," a must-read online essay that argues that there exist rational grounds for belief in (orthodox) Judaism (just google the title and you'll find it on the Ohr Sameyach website). Rabbi Gottlieb argues that by combining the information we have about the world around us with rational analysis, we can conclude that the Torah was, in fact, given to the Israelites by God at Mt. Sinai. For example, the single most compelling of his arguments, that of Rabbi Yehudah Halevi in the Kuzari, is that empirically, it is impossible for an entire nation to be convinced that their own ancestors, in the not-inaccessibly-distant past, had experienced a series of events as memorable as those described in the Pentateuch, if those events had not, in fact, taken place; and that since the Jews are known to have possessed such a national belief, it must have been an accurate one. (I'm reducing more than an entire chapter into one sentence here; if you have problems with the argument as I have explained it, read "Living Up to the Truth" for a more complete presentation.)
Accord, n. Harmony.
This morning I was at the doctor's office, and I overheard a conversation between the nurse/receptionist and another patient. The patient was talking about his family, and the nurse/receptionist asked him if he had any grandchildren yet. He told her that he didn't, but that he did have a daughter-in-law. He then proceeded to tell her about how mature and straightheaded his son and daughter-in-law are. In order to illustrate just how well the son is doing, he beamed as he announced that his son is now "manager of The Beer Store in Manotick". WOW!!!!! The man also explained that his son was the youngest Beer Store manager in Eastern Ontario! Can you believe it?
"You are SO...FREAKIN'...FAT...that your stomach goes out the window and smothers all the workers."
Accomplice, n. One associated with another in crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one ever having offered them a fee for assenting.
You may recall that recently in the news was a story which involved the Spanish police arresting a dozen Basque separatists on charges of attempted murder and conspiracy to commit acts of terrorism. The militants were brought to the national police headquarters in Madrid, where they were detained for three days until their court appearance. The authorities' mistake was in allowing them all to attend the same hearing. They were led out of their cells together as a group, under heavy guard, but just before leaving the building they had to pass through a small vestibule, into which only three officers were able to accompany the suspects, on account of the room's small size. Within seconds, in what was clearly a planned action, the terrorists overpowered their outnumbered guards, jammed the vestibule doors shut, left the building and escaped in waiting cars driven by separatist sympathizers, demonstrating once again the wisdom of the adage, "Don't put all your Basques in one exit."
Although you've checked the packaging front and back several times over the years, you finally discover a hechsher on that product you've been eyeing.
Buoyed by the enþusiastic reaction to the "Letters" post of Nov. 17, I have concluded it good and fitting and, indeed, advisable to begin a new collaborative effort, viz., a compilation of numbers. Following the format of previous poſts of this nature, I have liſted below the numbers that have come to mind thus far. Please post any additional ones that you þink of in the Comments, and I will add them on (with attribution, of course).
Academe, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Date: Tenth Special Extravaganza
It's nearing the end of the 9 Days, and you're next to a guy who isn't meikel at all on showering.
You don't have your own tallis, you have to wear one, and the one you're given is the type that's constantly slipping off your shoulders.
Absurdity, n. A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
To Dovid & Spug Friedman on the birþ of a daughter, Ariella Yaffa, borne unto them on 10 November (I believe).
Abridge, v.t. To shorten.
"When you're sitting in your Chevy and you're feeling kind of heavy, diarrhea."
Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward a straiter resemblance to the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.
"Just ignore that."
On Shabbos morning, after returning the Sefer Torah to the Aron, you notice the rabbi motion to the sha"tz to start Kaddish.
Anyone who will be in the area this Shabbos...Big party at my house...starting at 10:15 after morning prayer service. A good time - guarenteed!
Aborigines, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.
By mistake, you play "Hatikva" in a major key, so it comes out "I'm a Little Teapot."
By mistake, you play "I'm a Little Teapot" in a minor key, so it comes out "Hatikva."
In the spirit of our word lists from before (3x3, 4x4, etc.), I've decided to initiate a group compilation of letters. Below you'll find the ones I've come up with so far. Please feel free (nay, encouraged) to contribute any additional ones you think of by posting them in the Comments.
"I think one of the Commonwealth Games should be 'Beating Back the Natives,' but it's not there.... You know, 'Fighting Back the Sepoys.'"
Could you please tell me everything you know about MP3 players (iPods, etc)? I think I want to buy one (one with a reasonably large memory), but I don't hear a lot about what makes them good/bad, what their features are, significance of various brands, etc. Thanks.
A month ago, I had the pleasure of dealing with two of my favourite government departments: The Municipal Department of Transportation and The Canada Border Services Agency (motto: Come In With a Problem, Leave With a Problem.) I was also considering renewing my driver’s licence that same day at the Provincial Ministry of Transportation, you know, just to throw the entire day away.
“Do you have it here?”
I could then see this was going to be a loooong day.
Then it’s my turn. “How can I help you,” asks The Surly French Canadian Customs Agent from Hell. I tell her I need a Y-38 form. She wants to know the serial number on the goods. They don’t have serial numbers. If there are no serial numbers I can’t have the form. “So,” I ask, “you mean in the entire history of this country, not a single person who asked for this form was trying to ship, say, books, antiques, furniture, crystal meth or anything else without a serial number?” Actually, I didn’t really say “crystal meth.” I actually said “cocaine.”
So then, I put on my charming-cute-boysy-smile and, ask if she’s sure there’s nothing she could do to help me. NOTE: Statistically speaking, my charming-cute-boysy-smile has caused more women to turn into salt than to actually help me.
She told me she knows someone at a commercial customs office right here near the airport on Thad Johnson Road. She tells me it’s a mere kilometre away. “But,” she warns, “I will be frank with you. They will probably ask you to open the package, you know, to see you don’t have any kiddie porn or dope.” Right! I think to myself. Because if I were trying to smuggle in kiddie porn or dope the first thing I would do is go to a commercial customs office and expose myself to drug sniffing Dobermans and the scrutiny of more cops than North Korea’s army!
So I venture forth toward Thad Johnson road. Oh, did I tell you the airport’s only road out has no sidewalk? Or that it was raining? Or that it was ten degrees outside? Or that I was wearing my non-waterproof shoes and walking on wet grass?
So, I’m trying to find this Thad Johnson Street, which a bus driver directs me to, but seems not to exist. NOTE: Lieutenant J. Thad Johnson of Michigan died escorting pronounced anti-Semite Charles Lindbergh in flight as he flew around the Peace Tower in a celebration. I for one am happy we have a road named after this important historical figure.
At the intersection at which I had to cross, there is four-way traffic consisting mostly of 18-wheel trucks carrying cargo to and from the airport. And they are going 80 kilometres per hour. Oh yeah, and there are no traffic lights, stop signs or cross walks at this intersection, yet for some reason there is a sidewalk median indicating that this spot is for pedestrian crossing. Due to the nature of the traffic, whenever one has to cross the street he does so at peril to his life. To picture what I looked like crossing this deathtrap, play Aram Khachaturian’s "Sabre Dance" in the background while picturing Jiminy Cricket, umbrella in hand, trying to cross this perilous intersection.
Anyway, I couldn’t find this place, so cold, wet, headached, hungry and tired I returned home. I called FedEx and asked about their rates to ship this package. “$140.00 for overnight shipping or $80.00 for 2-day shipping.” My headache suddenly got worse.
“Isn’t there a ground option?” I ask.
“Yes… Ground shipping is $25.95,” she tells me. “It takes about a week.”
“Great. Oh, that’s great. Please send it by ground.”
“Okay, but to send by FedEx Ground, you have to drop the package off at our office.”
“Um…okay. Where’s your office.”
“Just a minute. I’ll look it up.” I hear the clicking of typing in the background.
“Okay,” she says, “the shipping office is on a street called Thad Johnson.”
I take another asprin.
Some weird guy sights your kippah, brilliantly (to his way of thinking) deduces that you're Jewish, corners you, and spends the next hour telling you everything he knows (and many things he doesn't) about Judaism, Christianity, Middle Eastern politics, famous Jews, Jews he remembers from when he was a kid, and big business (you're Jewish, after all, so you know what he's talking about).
It's a hot day in Israel, you've been running around doing stuff, you're really thirsty, and the only thing to drink is Jerusalem tap water.
It's a hot day in Israel, you've been running around doing stuff, you're really thirsty, and the only thing to drink is Petel.
It's winter in Israel, you're in a large room, the room is overheated so the windows have been opened at the behest of the people in the middle, and you're sitting next to the window.
It's winter in Israel, you're in a large room, the room is overheated, the people next to the windows refuse to open them so as not to freeze themselves, and you're sitting in the middle of the room.
Check out this video: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7829107821746099309&q=yeshiva, this guy must have gone to OTI at some point... Make sure to watch to the end, it appears that one of our fellow bloggers might have Hollywood aspirations. Have a good day everybody.
I will now use this blog to list, in order, all that I have accomplished over my lifetime. These accomplishments are as follows:
I just don't want anyone to forget the important work we started in October on multi-homophones and 3x3 and 4x4 words. The posts on those topics have been updated periodically with new additions, and, of course, they're available in our October archive. (I suspect some bloggers would be annoyed if I posted anew the updated versions, so I'll just leave them where they are in October.) I encourage you all to stay resolute in the face of adversity and keep looking for new words to contribute. The canon is still open.
"I'm going to macerate you, minsicate [?] you, cut you into little pieces and put you in Mr. Shapiro's garbage can. Now be quiet."
"He's an Oreo. He's black on the outside, white on the inside."
Date: Sleeptember Fest
There is an exciting new pool table now at Viva's!
Please submit your non-anonymous, single Worst Blogger of the Month nomination. Thank you.
How 'bout being on the executive board of a "Jewish" organization were the majority of people involved are interested neither in being Jewish, nor in being organized.
I must express my deep pain over the fact that this article written by Maxiebaby & Wife presents a great stumbling block to the reader. It is full of heresy, twists and misrepresents the words of our sages and ridicules the foundations of our emunah. Heaven forbid!
The author who once studied in holy yeshivas justifies his approach by maintaining that he wrote the article in that fashion in order to bring wayward Jews closer to the Bl-g. [He also had been given administrative authority on the site that has since been retracted.] The publication and distribution of this article presents a spiritual danger and I fear that people will be adversely influenced by it. I therefore declare that this article should be distanced and it is forbidden to read, own or distribute it as the Halacha applies to all "articles of heresy". The author should also not be permitted to engage in blogging so that he should not transgress the cardinal sin of spreading words of heresy. There can be no room or justification whatsoever for spreading this article.
May the Bl-g have mercy on us and pour forth a spirit of purity so that the world becomes full with the knowledge of the Bl-g.
Signed with a pained heart and with the hope that the author who has spread this heresy will burn all of his works and publicly retract all that he has written.
Ninth Day of Heshvan 5766
He Who Must Not Be Named
In my earlier comment I gave 2 possible solutions to the mystery presented by He Who Must Not Be Named. Clearly, both of them were quite flawed.
I would like to point out something which I would never have predicted in my entire life yet seems to be horribly true. On Tommy's engagement home page rather then posting a picture of the chosson and kallah pictures of two teddy bears were posted instead. One is called a "Tommy Bear" while the other is a "Sharon Bear". Now those of you who are familiar to onlysimchas will know that this is something that occurs on occasion so why am I expressing surprise? For two reasons - as much as I like Tommy and even if he is so cute and cuddly I would never think of calling him "Tommy Bear". I also would never have thought Tommy would go for something that seems like it was done by a fan of N'SYNC.
The guy davening behind you takes a really long time to say the Shmoneh Esrei.
"If they took me to court and they asked me what Gavriel said, I would say I know he said bad words, I just do not know which ones."
Here's a game that I like to call "LAYTON or SQUIRREL?"
Those of you who played "MOORE or ORCA?" back in August know the drill.
Below are 3 pictures. Each picture is a small part from a larger picture.
One of these pictures is of NDP leader "Smiley" Jack Layton's moustache and 2 of these pictures are of dead grey squirrels. Try to guess which is which!
Good luck! (see below for the answers)