Quote

"Half of the American people never read a newspaper. Half never vote for President. One hopes it is the same half."

-Gore Vidal

Torah and Science this weekend in Toronto

I've noticed there has been some discussion of Torah and Science on this blog, and I know that many of the bloggers are currently in Toronto, so I thought you might want to know that this weekend there are a number of programs being organized by Torah in Motion involving guest speakers discussing "Toah and Science: Conflict or Convergence", including Rabbi Slifkin, Rabbi Broyde, and Prof. Aviezer. Check their website at http://www.torahinmotion.org/ for details. I believe there's also a Friday night dinner at Or Chaim, specifically for students, with Prof. Aviezer talking about "Have Scientists Discovered G-d?", but today is the deadline for reserving a spot at the Friday night dinner.

I'd love to go to all this but I have a wedding to go to in Ottawa, and unfortunately I can't be in two places at once. (It's my sister's wedding, in case you were wondering.)

That's my blog contribution for the month. :-)

This Goy's Got to Be a Guy

"I have never seen a professional baseball game, an episode of Dallas or of Roseanne Barr or of Geraldo Rivera or of the black lady who is alternately fat and thin, I forget her name."

-William F. Buckley

Governmental Idiocy 101

This is a great juxtaposition I found in yesterday's paper.

Speaking of politics...

VICTORIA - Mr. Floatie, the costumed feces mascot who wanted to be mayor of Victoria, has withdrawn his name as a candidate for the position. That means the city of Victoria is no longer launching a challenge in B.C. Supreme Court against the nomination by the man who dresses up as a brown, smiling piece of feces. Victoria administrator Robert Woodland confirmed Mr. Floatie's name has been withdrawn as a candidate for mayor in the upcoming municipal election. James Skwarok, the man inside the costume, was not available for comment. On Monday, Mr. Swkarok said the city appeared to take issue with his candidacy because only real people can run for municipal office. He said that was a moot point. "Of course I'm not a real person, I'm a big piece of poop." He added that he was "beyond bummed out." Mr. Floatie has become a regular sight at public gatherings. He passes out pamphlets drawing attention to Victoria's practice of pumping sewage directly into the Juan de Fuca after only a screening to remove solids.

- original article from the Victoria Times Colonist, appearing in the Ottawa Citizen, October 19, 2005

Quote

"He seems like an average type of man. He's not smart. I'm not trying to rag on him or anything. But he has the same mentality I have—and I'm in the eighth grade."

-Vanessa Martinez, after Dan Quayle visited her high school

Quoat

"That's fine phonetically, but you're missing just a little bit."

-Dan Quayle, to a sixth grader who correctly spelled "potato," which Quayle thought was spelled "potatoe"

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"David might have said, 'I'll just step down and become King Emeritus.'"

-RBC, re. revolt of Absalom

Match Me

Continued from Oct. 28, 2005 (which see).

All-Time Weirdest Adverb

We are taking nominations in preparation of the selection of the weirdest English adverb.

I nominate "plum," as in "I plum forgot."

CBC Radio Quote

"This is the only program in the world that will tell you what to do if you are charged by a muskox."

-Peter Gzowski, conducting an interview on the topic

Also a Jew

"Our Lady of the Helicopters"

-Mordecai Richler, re. Kim Campbell

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"But I like being young, vibrant and energetic, dammit!"
"I'm sorry, but you're not a Coke commercial."

-HK, KA

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Adherent, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects to get.

Woah

Something weird just happened. I opened the blog, and it appeared in (I guess) a different template. It was more sophisticated-looking, but there were no margins. I was nearly overwhelmed by claustrophobia. Has anyone else ever been traumatized thus? Why did this have to happen? Is it for the same reason hevnsangel19's pizza came late?

Check This Out

For momentary amusement, go to www.gscarows.blogpot.com.

Thanks to Ephraim for the tip.

Public Service Announcement #2

I'm currently at University and I have diarrhea. In my opinion University ranks Top Five in "the worst places to be when you have diarrhea." It's horribly annoying to have to lose your computer in the computer lab in order to go to the bathroom and then have to wait in line to get a computer when you return from the bathroom, only to lose the computer yet again when your colon calls. At least I know the whereabouts of the best bathroom on the entire campus, a well kept secret which I will not reveal.

Quote

"Don't mess with me. I've got tanks."

-Kim Campbell, Minister of National Defence, 1993

Public Service Annoucement

Just so you all know, Sharon and I will be getting married on May 21, 2006. All are invited - except Doughboy, we can't possibly hope to be able to afford to feed him. Presumably you will all get invitations in the mail at some point between now and then.

Are you kidding me?

Angelica Mazua, an Angolan facing international drug smuggling charges, was voted Miss Penitentiary 2005 after a six-hour contest pitting 40 female inmates from 10 prisons around Brazil's largest city, Sao Paulo. "People told me, 'You're tall. You should enter the contest,' so that's why I entered," said Ms. Mazua, who has been jailed for four months and could be sentenced to about five years behind bars if she's convicted. "I've always been interested in fashion." Other women imprisoned on charges of everything from armed robbery to drug trafficking also took part in the contest that officials began last year as a way of trying to boost inmates' self esteem.

-taken from the Ottawa Citizen, November 26, 2005

The Jewish Woman's Minor Misfortune

Entertaining a girl you have never spoken to, at the dozens of weddings your husband inevitably gets invited to by yeshiva alumni.

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Adder, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Max, we don't need a running commentary."

-EM

Mazel Tov

To Meir Friedman on his Bar Mitzvah. Mazel tov to Shifrah, Asher, Nechama, Yehuda and Aidel Friedmen on avoiding being roaſted at the party Saturday night. Condolences to Elie, Max, Joey and Shlomo Friedmen on not being so lucky.

It's Funny 'Cause It's Not True

"The Montreal Olympics can no more have a deficit than a man can have a baby."

-Jean Drapeau (Mayor of Montreal)

Oh, Yeah, I Relate to This

"A Canadian is somebody who knows how to make love in a canoe."

-Pierre Berton

Quotes from Dorothy Parker

"She hurt her leg sliding down a barrister."

"If all the girls at a Yale prom were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be at all surprised."

Quote

"The trouble with Gerry Ford is that he used to play football without a helmet."

-Lyndon Johnson

Famous KBY Malaprop

"Different strokes for different people."

Famous KBY Malaprop

"Take a long walk off a short bridge."

Quote of the Day

"I'm sorry, sir, but my karma just ran over your dogma."

Observation

Presumably, when last week's parsha refers to "beer-lehai-roi," the king getting the drink is Darius the Mead.

Ephraim Stulberg: Visiting Tombs of Tzaddiqim: A Halachic Inquiry: Chayei Sarah, 5766

Judaism, like most religions, recognizes the concept of “holy places” At the top of the pyramid, no doubt, sits Mount Moriah, where may of the foundational events of Judaism occurred. Its status as a place of sanctity is entrenched within both Jewish lore and halacha.

Other sites, too, have throughout history served as loci for Jewish religious concentration. For instance, Be’er La-hai Ro’i, the site of Hagar’s heavenly visitation (B’reishis 16:14), was considered in Jewish prehistory as an advantageous location from which to pray (see Ramban on B’reishis 24:62). Much more common, however, is the custom of praying at the gravesites of the righteous, an ancient practice which in recent decades has achieved a popularity hitherto unknown in Israel’s history. This essay proposes to examine some of the halachic issues associated with this practice. There are two basic questions to be discussed:

1. What is the purpose of visiting the gravesite? To what do we attribute the efficacy of such visits?

2. How is one supposed to act in the presence of a tomb? Are there any actions which are forbidden?

Before beginning, however, it is important to note that, at least in some manner, the practice of praying at gravesites is clearly permissible We find Calev praying at Me’aras Hamachpela (Sotah 34b); we find the Amora, R’ Mani, visiting the tomb of his saintly father, R’ Yona, beseeching him to intercede in heaven on his behalf (Ta’anis 23b). Clearly, when done properly such visits are worthwhile.

And indeed, our basic halachic codes also mention the custom of praying at gravesites at various points throughout the year. Erev Rosh Hashana and Erev Yom Kippur were days when it was customary for Ashkenazic Jews to visit graves (Rema O.C. 581:4 and 605:1). On Tisha B’Av, the custom was to go to the cemetery following the morning sevices (Rema, O.C. 559:10); as well, during the public fasting period called for in the event of a delay in the onset of the rainy season, the people would also go to the graveyard (S.A O.C. 579:3). The source for this latter practice is to be found in the second chapter of Tractate Ta’anis (16a). There, the gemara suggests two possible reasons for the custom of visiting graves on fast days. One opinion holds that it is done as though to say “We are already dead”; the other posits that we go to gravesites in order that the dead might entreat with God on our behalf The gemara goes on to explain that according to the first understanding even gentile graveyards would serve the purpose; according to the second, only Jewish graves will do.

In citing this halacha, the Rambam (Hilchos Ta’anis 4:18) mentions only the first of the two reasons. The G”RA is at a loss to explain this preferential treatment; the Levush goes so far as to fiddle around with the Rambam’s words, making him align more with the second opinion. But the simple explanation is that the Rambam wanted to ensure that the 5th of his 13 Principles – which condemns prayer directed at anyone other than God Himself - was not violated. We shall examine this view of the Rambam in more detail later on.

This issue of whether one is allowed to pray to God through an intermediary is an old one, and much of the relevant source material has already been collected in the Otzar Ha-t’fillos siddur, and subsequently made its way into the introduction to the Artscroll Selichos. However, much of the discussion there revolves around the role of angels in prayer, and neglects to a large extent the role of deceased tzaddiqim. It thus remains for us to discover the correct manner in which one is permitted to pray at the grave of a Jewish “saint.”

Maharil writes: “A cemetery in which the righteous are laid to rest is a holy and pure place, in which prayer is more readily accepted. And one who prays upon the graves of the righteous should not place his faith in the tzaddikim, but rather should ask God to be merciful towards him in the merit of the righteous” (cited in Ba’er Hetev O.C. 581:17). R’ Hayim Paltiel of Magdeburg, student of R’ Meir of Rotenberg, gives a similar analysis, which also allows us some insight into how the practice of visiting graves was viewed by the unwashed masses in his day. His responsum is worth citing directly:"Know that I am amazed by those people who pledge to visit [various] cemeteries, for it is similar to [the prohibition of] consulting with the dead (see D’varim 18:11). For we find only Calev who prostrated himself at the graves of the Patriarchs – and that was in prayer to God, for a holy place causes one’s prayer to be heard…as well, if someone insulted the deceased, and goes to his gravesite to honour him – this we find (see Hagigah 22b). But the women and the people who don’t know better – I don’t know why they go"(Responsa MaHaRaM ben Baruch #164, cited in D’risha on Y.D. 228)

A similar sentiment is expressed in Responsa MaHaRaM Mintz (#79), who writes that “there are some g’dolim who have expressed alarm at this [practice], and called out [against this practice of] “consulting with the dead,” as most ignoramuses and women make [the dead] into interlocutors between themselves and their Creator Blessed Be He.” R’ Avraham Danzig, in his Hochmas Adam (89:7), writes in a similar vein, bemoaning the foolishness of the women and ignoramuses “who speak to the dead and tell them their sufferings.”

Other authorities rule that the practice of visiting graves is a good done, so long as it is done with the proper intentions. For instance, the BaH writes (Y.D. 217) that so long as one prays to God that, in the merit of the righteous individuals buried nearby, he be saved from misfortune, he is on firm halachic footing. Other authorities, such as MaHaRaL, rule that as long as the involvement of the dead in presenting one’s prayers before God remains merely implicit (i.e. without actually verbalizing anything, but merely visiting the grave), it is allowed (N’sivos Olam, N’siv Ha-avoda ch. 12). This is also implied in B’reishis Rabbah (82:10), where it explains that Ya’akov buried Rachel near Efrat because he foresaw that the exiles were destined to pass by there on their way to Babylon, and she would be there to ask for mercy on their behalf.

The Pri Megadim, however, notes that in some siddurim it appears as though one is supposed to ask the tzaddik himself to intervene with God on one’s behalf. Indeed, as early as the 13th century we find the mystical work Sefer Hasidim (#450) urging people to pray in the cemetery, explaining that if the living ask the dead to help them with their requests from God, they will do so. Halachists of more recent vintage, such as R’ Yechiel Michel Tukhachinsky, in his Gesher Ha-hayim (II: 26), and the Munkaczer Rebbe, in his Responsa Minhas Elazar (I:68), have also ruled that there is no problem with asking the dead to petition God with one’s requests, so long as one recognizes that the dead possess no active sovereignty in the running of this world. Are there certain actions and objects that have no place in a graveyard? Aside from some of the more obvious prohibitions, there is a category of ostensibly meritorious acts which the sages have ruled have no place in a cemetery. “One should not walk in a cemetery with t’fillin on his head or with a Torah scroll in his arms... If he did so, he has committed the sin of “He mocks the poor, he makes him scorned” (Mishlei 17:5).” The performance of commandments in front of the deceased, meritorious deeds to which he no longer has access, is a source of pain and embarrassment to the departed (B’rachos 18a).

It is for this reason that Ritva explains that when the community went out to the cemetery on public fast days, they would pray beforehand, as it is prohibited to pray in a cemetery. Ran adds that for the same reason, they would not take the Torah scroll out to the cemetery, adding that this is also the opinion of Rambam, “unlike those places that are accustomed to take the Torah scroll out to the cemetery and pray there.” (See Responsa Noda Biyhuda (O.C. II:109).)

Are there any exceptions to this ban against the performance of mitzvos in a graveyard? The chief source for those who answer in the affirmative is found in Bava Qamma (16b). The gemara relates that when King Hizqiya passed away, the scholars of his generation established a temporary yeshiva at his gravesite. While Tosafos interpret this to mean that they studied in a nearby place, outside of the tomb’s four cubits, and thus avoiding the issue of “mocking the poor” (see B’rachos 18a), others derive from this episode that sometimes the performance of commandments in the presence of the deceased is permissible, indeed laudable.

Rashi (Y'vamos 122a) cites the T’shuvos Ha-g’onim, which writes that in Talmudic times it was customary for the leading scholars to convene at the graves of the great sages of yore on their yahrtzeits and study Torah. In a responsum, cited in the Shitta M’qubetzes on Bava Qamma, R’I ibn Migash explains that the case of Hizqiya was exceptional. Because Hizqiya had devoted much of his reign to spreading Torah study throughout his realm, establishing a yeshiva at his tomb was a sign of homage, not derision. Ibn Migash then proceeds to list the cases in which one may NOT study Torah at a gravesite

1. When the occupier of the grave was not a scholar.

2. Even if he was learned, but the Torah being studied is not learnt in his honour.

3. Even if it is in his honour, but there are only a few people learning, not a full yeshiva; in such a case the dead will not feel honour, but rather shame at the meager turnout.

Other authorities draw similar conclusions from this gemara (see Nimuqei Yosef, citing Ramah; Talmid Rabbeinu Peretz on Bava Qamma; Responsa Radbaz I:224), and eventually this exception made its way into the Shulchan Aruch itself (Y.D. 344:17), where it is applied very generally, without mentioning any of Ibn Migash’s provisos: “It is permitted to recite verses and homiletics in honour of the deceased even within his four cubits or in the cemetery.” It is interesting to note that R’ Yosef Karo himself, author of the Shulchan Aruch, acted in accordance with this rather liberal ruling: in another work of his, he records that he heard from his visiting angel that R’ Shimon bar Yochai was pleased that R’ Karo had come to his grave and studied Ra”SHBY’s own work, the Zohar, (Maggid Mesharim, P’ M’tzora). Indeed, as the Bircei Yosef notes, the proof from Bava Qamma is by no means a strong one, and it is noteworthy that when the Beis Yosef discusses the halacha, he seems to accept the opinion of Ramah as decisive because it corresponded with the minhag of his own times. Is this ruling in the Shulchan Aruch evidence of the two strands of R’ Karo’s personality, the hard-core halachist and the mystical visionary, becoming intertwined slightly? It is difficult to say. The Ta”Z, at least, cautions against violating #2 of Ibn Migash’s three points, chastising the self-important eulogists of his day.

This exemption of Ibn Migash extends to other mitzvah acts as well. Thus, Sefer Ha-eshkol cites Rav Hai Ga’on, who held that it is permissible to come within four cubits of the graves of the righteous in order to pray (Sefer Ha-eshkol I:25 (p. 56)); after all, such an act is a sign of respect, not disregard, for it shows that the dead are NOT useless when it comes to certain mitzvah actions. Rav Hai adds that “we do this every day.” However, some authorities differentiate between private prayer, in which one in one way or another invokes the memory of the deceased, and the regularly scheduled daily prayers (i.e. Shacharis, Mincha, etc.). Thus, R’ Yechiel Michel Tukhachinsky writes of his father-in-law, R’ Sh’muel Salant, who served for many decades as the Chief Ashkenazic Rabbi of Jerusalem, that when he visited the Tomb of Rachel, he would not pray in the cave itself (in which the grave is located) but rather in an antechamber, out of concern for the principle of not “mocking the poor” (Gesher Ha-hayim I:28). The rulings of Ritva and Ran that call for the cemetery to be visited on fast days only after the conclusion of the regular prayer services, incidentally, would seem to corroborate this distinction of R’ Salant.

There is another contentious halacha that concerns the graves of the righteous and is highly relevant nowadays. The Yerushalmi (Sh’qalim 2:5) says that we do not make elaborate gravesites for the righteous, “for their words are their remembrance.” Many authorities struggle to reconcile this statement with the common practice of erecting elaborate tombstones, even yeshivos and synagogues, near the graves of tzaddiqim. They defend the practice, arguing either that such a law applied only to the super-righteous of yesteryear (see Responsa Shevet Ha-levi Y.D. 3:162), or that such edifices are merely unnecessary, but not prohibited (Responsa Igros Moshe Y.D. 4:57e). In his responsa, Tuv Ta’am V’da’as (third edition II:207), R’ Shlomo Kluger argues that the present-day practice does not in any way demean the tzaddiqim of ancient times, for whom no such monuments were built, and he therefore permits the building of elaborate tombstones for Torah scholars. R’ Moshe Feinstein argues that perhaps nowadays, it has become not merely permissible, but indeed obligatory, to adorn the graves of meritorious Jews with such impressive markers.

Rambam (Hilchos Aveil 4:4) cites this Yerushalmi, and laconically adds that “one should not turn to visit their graves.” This can be taken – indeed has been taken – to mean different things (see Responsa Ribash #421; Responsa Hatam Sofer Y.D. 338; Responsa Tuv Ta’am V’da’as, ibid.). Returning to the law with which we began this entire discussion, we recall the puzzlement of the various commentaries over the fact that the Rambam rules that we visit the cemetery on fast days only in order to emphasize the fact that if we do not repent, we will die, and not because we seek to invoke the special interlocutory powers of the dead. We suggested that the Rambam was concerned lest the supplicants come to involve the dead in their prayers, and thus violate his own 5th principle of Judaism. This last halacha only confirms our suspicion. Rambam was very much against the practice – albeit an ancient one – of visiting the gravesites of the righteous and using the dead as intermediaries of whatever sort. He sees in the Yerushalmi’s ruling regarding tombstones for the righteous a rejection of the culture of saint worship that had infected Judaism, and he sought to redirect the masses’ relationship with the greats of Jewish history along more acceptable channels.

Rambam’s ruling is representative of the manner in which the “rationalists” within rabbinic thought approached this issue over the years. It is hardly surprising that Ralbag, Abravanel, and R’ S.R. Hirsch all react similarly to the fact that, according to the Torah’s testimony, Moshe Rabbeinu’s grave remained hidden from human eyes for all time. Rav Hirsch writes: “When one considers how often a cult of worship verging on idolatry has grown round the places of the graves of great men who have deserved great honour amongst mankind, one can understand the greatness of this last phase in the picture of the life of our Moses” (Commentary on D’varim 34:6). Apathy for this sort of saint worship has been evidenced by other similarly inclined sages, such as R’ Ezriel Hildesheimer and R’ Yosef Dov Soloveitchik (see the sources cited in note 8 of R’ Dr. Y. Liechtenstein’s excellent article in volume 20 of the journal T’chumin).

Perhaps the best advice is to heed B’rachos 6b, which states: àâøà ãáé èîéà ùúé÷åúà And so with that I'll be quiet.

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Adamant, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in solicitate of gold.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Mister Guttman, Mister Guttman, laughing all the way...."

-SG, singing

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"You're too tempting, Hudi—go sit down."

-KF, being amused by HK

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Actually, adv. Perhaps; possibly.

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Rabbi X gets up to the microphone and says.... Microphone goes back to Rabanan."

-RBP, narrating Gemara

Virtual Vector Spaces

I was going to post this some other time, but in order to continue the theme of "Actually, E=MC³," (Nov. 23/05), I think I'll do it now. This is for all those who don't have a copy of the 1995 OTI yearbook, in which this article appeared.

Aviel was content to grow radicals in his little domain on the range. He was busy rationalizing their denominators in order to get rid of the square roots. He noticed out of the Fourth Quadrant an undefined flying ordinate which was proceeding at terminal velocity along a transverse axis approaching an invariant point. By synthetic division he was able to determine the identity elements who emerged from the remainder theorem. They were none other than Uriel and Ephraim who, by the tangent chord property, had suffered a phase shift and were now in the Fourth Dimension. Aviel called on his two neighbours, Joseph and Eliezer, to come and look through his conic section and see if they could communicate with the two binomials. The two newcomers from a distant solar system seemed to be conversing in concyclic fashion and their exaggerations led to a hyperbola.

Let us try using this logarithm and by inverting it we might be able to get an exponential statement out of them. "Why not ask Ari Brodsky how this works?" said Eliezer. "Force times distance or their dot product, naturally," replied Ari. Eliezer noted that their UFO was a tetrahedron with angles at the centre of 109.47122°. This set Ari off so he started quoting pi to two hundred digits. He would have gone further except at this point Eliezer and Joseph sliced the pi into sectors and ate it. Meanwhile the two space travellers pointed out that Joseph and Eliezer had broken both the Law of Sines and, what was worse, the Law of Cosines and thus they would have to accompany them back along an orthogonal trajectory. They were all saved, however, when Aviel pointed out that the newcomers were along the axis of the imaginary and their laws did not apply in a country so near to the polar coordinates.

-Douglas Dougherty

retardiness

I ordered a pizza, which should take 15 minutes to make and 15 minutes to deliver for a total of 30 minutes. The guy told me to expect in an hour because of traffic. I had no problem with this. However, it is now approaching 2 hours, and I do have a problem with this. Why would such a thing happen? Am I being lied to? How cold will my pizza be when it arrives?

Cogitating the Regurgitation

I am writing in response to "Regurgitating the cogitation" (Nov. 24/05), which was in turn a response to my original post on the topic, "Cogitation" (Nov. 23/05). To recap very briefly, I initially argued (1) that it is not irrational for Rabbi Gottlieb to use simultaneously "Living Up to the Truth" and the theory that the universe was created 5766 years ago looking billions of years old; and (2) that the latter theory is not inherently "weak or cheap." Captain Salamander, in his response (the bulk of which I have copied, italicized, and coloured blue, below), seems not to question (1). He presents two objections: (a) that I used a poor analogy in arguing that Rabbi Gottlieb's "old-looking-creation" theory is not weak or cheap; and (b) that the Gottliebian arguments discussed thus far on this blog do not answer all the problems modern academic findings create with the historical records of Genesis, whereas a non-literal reading of Genesis does. In the paragraphs below, I will address (a), and argue that (b) is simply irrelevant to the discussion at hand.

a) The "soft" sciences vs. the "hard" sciences. "Suppose academia universally accepts the Documentary Hypothesis of Biblical authorship," writes the Dark Lord. I think this approach is flawed being as that their is a clear distinction between the postulations of sociologists, historians and archaeologists based on guesswork and hypothesizing and the conclusions of biologists, geologists and physicists that are the result of experimentation and observation - that is the wonder of the scientific method.

This analogy was meant for illustrative purposes only. If you don't like it, you can ignore it. Read my last paragraph as follows: "I'd like to aver that there is, in fact, nothing weak or cheap about Rabbi Gottlieb's hypothesis. It fits the facts very nicely. There's no evidence that it's wrong. At the risk of sounding like a right-wing Haredi lunatic, academia's acceptance of a particular explanation for the existence of a body of facts does not require Jews to accept that explanation when another explanation exists, one more compatible with the sum total of our knowledge." I think that the point stands on its own merits.

To address your objection directly, however, while I generally agree with the distinction you draw between "hard" and "soft" science, I do not believe it valid in relation to the dating of the universe. You argue, if I may interpret and paraphrase your words, that "hard" science can create hypotheses and then test them out to see whether they hold true; for example, if you want to see whether Newton was really right that Force equals Mass times Acceleration, all you need to do is construct a dynamic situation where you know two of the variables already and can measure the third (e.g., you weigh yourself: you know your mass, and you know the acceleration due to gravity; you use a scale to measure the force your body exerts on the ground). "Soft" science merely gathers evidence and postulates based on that body of data; there is generally no experiment that can be conducted either to prove or to disprove the hypothesis. Dating the universe and the theory of evolution resemble, in this respect, "soft" rather than "hard" science. No one can employ the full scientific method by running an experiment to test the historical claims of the theory of evolution or whether the universe banged into existence 15 billion years ago any more than they can devise a test to see whether the Israelites conquered Canaan en masse 3000 years ago or to determine the validity of the Documentary Hypothesis, because to test any of those theories, you'd have to go back in time and actually observe what was going on. Short of that, any conclusions about historical events, whether events spurred by natural laws or those due to human initiative, are merely conjectured from the available evidence. The fact that some conjectures are more mathematical or technical than others does not make them more verifiable, and it is verifiability that makes "hard" science more accurate than "soft" science, as you yourself state: "experimentation and observation - that is the wonder of the scientific method."

Nonetheless, it is certain that no two historical assertions will be judged equally likely based on the evidence at hand. It is certainly your prerogative to believe, after an examination of the evidence, that the Big Bang theory (for example) is more compelling than (for example) the Documentary Hypothesis. It is my prerogative to conclude the opposite.

(Let me make a parenthetical point at this critical juncture - if scientists had "empirically" proven that the Torah had been written by numerous human authors, I would still reject this theory. I believe b'emunah sheleimah, etc. etc.)

Why would you reject the theory? "Living Up to the Truth" asserts that the reason to reject it is the historical evidence that the Torah was divinely given. If that historical evidence is overridden, then you no longer have reason to believe in the Torah's divine authorship. Doing so would be irrational.

What I assume you mean is that you would reject the Documentary Hypothesis, no matter how compelling it was, because there exists other evidence that God wrote the Torah, and the evidence the Documentary Hypothesis employs does not contradict the notion of divine authorship; the Hypothesis simply ignores supernatural possibilities. I don't see why your approach to the age of the Earth should differ. If the Torah says that the universe is 5766 years old, you should reject the calculations of modern science, no matter how compelling they are, because there exists other evidence (that the Torah is correct and therefore) that the universe is younger than science says, and the evidence used by modern science does not, after all, contradict the notion of a young universe; modern science simply ignores supernatural possibilities in explaining why the Earth seems really old.

b) The inadequacy of Gosse-Gottleib. If one is willing to suspend their rational observations about the age of the universe and believe that the Lord seeks to deceives us (or test us, if you would prefer) in order to give us a chance to doubt his hand in creation, one is still left with several unanswered questions created by a literal reading of Genesis:

-Why is there sound geological evidence that disproves a global flood?

-If that same global flood wiped out all life a mere thousands of years ago, why are there peoples in far-flung places (Aborigines, Native Americans, etc.) with rich histories stretching back for tens of thousands of years?

This point, while worth discussing, is unrelated to the question of whether Rabbi Gottlieb's various theories are incompatible with each other. I don't claim to be any sort of expert on the evidence of which you speak (or even, particularly, to be familiar with it). I attempted merely to deal with the rationality of accepting both the Gosse-Gottlieb hypothesis (that the Earth was created looking aged) and the arguments of "Living Up to the Truth." If you want to know what Rabbi Gottlieb has to say about the evidence to which you refer, I suggest you email him (I've got his address; ask me if you want it).

As my friend Lord Voldemort likes to say - I am not saying that there are not answers to these questions. I do believe, however, that Gosse-Gottleib cannot answer these problems. Why accept a solution that does not nearly do the problem justice and in so doing accept an approach that requires the suspension of our logical inquiry and rational observation. Perhaps I would be willing to do so for an all-encomapassing answer, a Torah and Science "Theory of Everything"* if you will. But for Gosse-Gottleib? Not on your life.

Once again, you're raising a different issue. You're arguing that it makes more sense to say that the Torah's account of creation should not be taken literally in every respect, and that modern science is right about the age of the world, than to say that Genesis should be taken literally, and that modern scientific theory is wrong. That may be true. But it's incompatible with Rabbi Gottlieb's apparent premise, which is that Genesis must be taken literally. If you want to criticize that premise, go right ahead, but that's a theological, not merely a rational, debate, and requires careful analysis of the rabbinic sources on the subject. It's got nothing to do with the validity of Rabbi Gottlieb's subscribing simultaneously to "Living Up to the Truth" and the notion that the world was created looking old.

Everything Must Go!!!

Usually, this type of liquidation sale is reserved for when a store is going bankrupt, but in Thailand, they're doing it in reverse! Check this out.

Click here for the story.

The Jew's Simple Pleasures

Someone has sponsored a hot kiddush.
(Especially in yeshiva)

Regurgitating the cogitation

I read Lord Voldemort's previous post with great interest. Imagine the coincidence! Just a few days ago, I also had a conversation with a friend of mine on a similar topic. Here are some of my thoughts (i.e. disorganized ramblings) on the topic of Gosse, Gottleib and the Mystery of the Irrational Explanation.

I found Voldy's conclusion unconvincing on two counts. Here they are, for the record:

a) The "soft" sciences vs. the "hard" sciences. "Suppose academia universally accepts the Documentary Hypothesis of Biblical authorship," writes the Dark Lord. I think this approach is flawed being as that their is a clear distinction between the postulations of sociologists, historians and archaeologists based on guesswork and hypothesizing and the conclusions of biologists, geologists and physicists that are the result of experimentation and observation - that is the wonder of the scientific method. (Let me make a parenthetical point at this critical juncture - if scientists had "empirically" proven that the Torah had been written by numerous human authors, I would still reject this theory. I believe b'emunah sheleimah, etc. etc.)

b) The inadequacy of Gosse-Gottleib. If one is willing to suspend their rational observations about the age of the universe and believe that the Lord seeks to deceives us (or test us, if you would prefer) in order to give us a chance to doubt his hand in creation, one is still left with several unanswered questions created by a literal reading of Genesis:

-Why is there sound geological evidence that disproves a global flood?

-If that same global flood wiped out all life a mere thousands of years ago, why are there peoples in far-flung places (Aborigines, Native Americans, etc.) with rich histories stretching back for tens of thousands of years?

As my friend Lord Voldemort likes to say - I am not saying that there are not answers to these questions. I do believe, however, that Gosse-Gottleib cannot answer these problems. Why accept a solution that does not nearly do the problem justice and in so doing accept an approach that requires the suspension of our logical inquiry and rational observation. Perhaps I would be willing to do so for an all-encomapassing answer, a Torah and Science "Theory of Everything"* if you will. But for Gosse-Gottleib? Not on your life.

*As of this writing, Rav A. Feldman still has not disclosed this Theory of Everything. We are waiting with bated breath.

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Acknowledge, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"If I ate it, then I might explode, and make a mess on the floor."

-TS, on Shabbaton at RBP's, being pressured to eat dessert

Tautology?

The following headline appears on page A17 of today's Citizen:

How the Liberals do it

The party's perpetual governing machine is fuelled by decades of being on top

Does this strike anybody else as sounding a little circular? I think it is, and that's sensible, since a circle is two-dimensional, and hence nothing. It's certainly not spherical.

Letter to the Editor in Today's "Citizen"

Actually, E=MC³

Re: After Einstein, NOV. 20.

Albert Einstein's equation E=MC² is obviously wrong, and the error can be attributed to his teaching himself geometry at age 12 and not getting it quite right. We high-school graduates know better.

The correct version (which will henceforth be known as "Welsh's Equation") is E=MC³.

Einstein's equation is an equation of the second order, which, every high-school student knows, represents a plane surface with no thickness. It represents an intangible; it is nothing.

C² represents a plane, C to the side. A very large plane indeed, but nevertheless a plane with zero thickness. It is therefore intangible; it is nothing.

Nothing, when multiplied by M (or anything else for that matter) is zero.

C³, on the other hand, represents a volume, which when multiplied by even a very tiny M will produce an awful lot of E.

It is so simple, isn't it?

WILLIAM WELSH, Ottawa

Cogitation

I was recently discussing the writings of Rabbi Dr. Dovid Gottlieb of Ohr Sameyach (is that how you spell it?) with friends. Rabbi Gottlieb is the author of "Living Up to the Truth," a must-read online essay that argues that there exist rational grounds for belief in (orthodox) Judaism (just google the title and you'll find it on the Ohr Sameyach website). Rabbi Gottlieb argues that by combining the information we have about the world around us with rational analysis, we can conclude that the Torah was, in fact, given to the Israelites by God at Mt. Sinai. For example, the single most compelling of his arguments, that of Rabbi Yehudah Halevi in the Kuzari, is that empirically, it is impossible for an entire nation to be convinced that their own ancestors, in the not-inaccessibly-distant past, had experienced a series of events as memorable as those described in the Pentateuch, if those events had not, in fact, taken place; and that since the Jews are known to have possessed such a national belief, it must have been an accurate one. (I'm reducing more than an entire chapter into one sentence here; if you have problems with the argument as I have explained it, read "Living Up to the Truth" for a more complete presentation.)

Rabbi Gottlieb has also written on the topic of reconciling the apparent Torah claim that the Earth is 5766 years old with the scientific evidence suggesting that it is far older than that; he suggests simply that the world was created 5766 years ago with the appearance of being much more ancient.

The following question was posed to me (unless I misunderstood it): Assume the Torah definitively states that the Earth is 5766 years old. Rabbi Gottlieb's premise in "Living Up to the Truth" is that we can use our observations of the world around us (historical records, for example) to draw conclusions regarding the veracity of the Torah. But he also proposes that we ignore the implications of our observations of the world around us when they indicate that the Earth is billions of years old, since those implications conflict with the Torah, which we have established to be factual. Would it not be equally valid to argue that we should accept the scientific evidence about the Earth's age, and ignore the evidence that the Torah is truthful, since the Torah conflicts with compelling science?

I believe the answer to the question is no, because the two sets of conclusions described in the preceding paragraph are neither equally plausible, nor logically equivalent. If we accept, based on the evidence, that the Torah is true, and, hence, that the world is 5766 years old, we must, indeed (based on our initial assumption), discard as misleading the evidence that the world is billions of years old. However, we can fall back on Rabbi Gottlieb's alternative (and logically irrefutable) approach to the age of the world, viz., that it just looks very old. If we believe what the Torah tells us about God, it's certainly within God's capabilities to make an old-looking world (no more difficult than making a new-looking one, in fact). There's no evidence that God didn't do exactly that; indeed, from a theological perspective, it actually makes sense that he would have (ask me if you want more explanation of that). The evidence is all reconcilable; we are left with no contradictions.

However, if we accept initially that the Earth is older than the Torah allows, we must then confront and discard the evidence that the Torah is true. Can we explain how that evidence came to exist? Not to the best of my knowledge. We can't say that God manufactured the evidence, because we have (as yet) no evidence that there's a God at all. The facts we know about Jewish history just sit there, crying out their contradiction of our conclusions about the world's age. This approach, unlike the last one, cannot account for the existence of all the evidence. The Torah-affirming approach discussed above may adopt a hypothesis that seems weak, or cheap, but at least it covers all the bases.

* * * * *

I'd like to aver that there is, in fact, nothing weak or cheap about Rabbi Gottlieb's hypothesis. Suppose academia universally accepts the Documentary Hypothesis of Biblical authorship, and suppose, furthermore, that we all agree with its premise that it is just inconceivable that the Five Books of Moses were authored, in their entirety, by the same human being. Does that mean it's weak, or cheap, or intellectually dishonest or undesirable to ascribe the Pentateuch to God (who can write in a multiplicity of styles)? I believe not, and I believe the same is true of Rabbi Gottlieb's explanation of the world's ancient appearance. It fits the facts very nicely. There's no evidence that it's wrong. At the risk of sounding like a right-wing Haredi lunatic, academia's acceptance of a particular explanation for the existence of a body of facts does not require Jews to accept that explanation when another explanation exists, one more compatible with the sum total of our knowledge.

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Accord, n. Harmony.

Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Pick me; I'm so good."

-AK II; chanted during gym team selection

This guy's got to be a goy

This morning I was at the doctor's office, and I overheard a conversation between the nurse/receptionist and another patient. The patient was talking about his family, and the nurse/receptionist asked him if he had any grandchildren yet. He told her that he didn't, but that he did have a daughter-in-law. He then proceeded to tell her about how mature and straightheaded his son and daughter-in-law are. In order to illustrate just how well the son is doing, he beamed as he announced that his son is now "manager of The Beer Store in Manotick". WOW!!!!! The man also explained that his son was the youngest Beer Store manager in Eastern Ontario! Can you believe it?

First thing, you know Eastern Ontario is basically Ottawa and the surrounding area, right? It's not even as if he's the youngest manager in the province, or in Canada. Second, he's not even the manager of, say, the Beer Store in downtown Ottawa, or in Yorkville, or some other area they're proud of and care about. No, he's out in MANOTICK!!! Finally, how long does one have to work in a Beer Store to become manager? And, why is the fact that this man's son has worked there for that long such a sense of pride?

The answer is in the title of this post. Believe me, I mean no disrespect to the non-Jewish community when I say this, but the man must be a goy. Case closed.

Jean Chretien: Role Model Par Excellence

"I read about her that she was very complicated at school and I was very complicated at school, too. You know, I was telling her I was kicked out of three colleges."

-Jean Chretien
(on what he said to a visiting Avril Lavigne,
April 7, 2003)

Man, I miss that guy...

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"You are SO...FREAKIN'...FAT...that your stomach goes out the window and smothers all the workers."

-NG, to HK, on command in SG's class

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Accomplice, n. One associated with another in crime, having guilty knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one ever having offered them a fee for assenting.

Iberian Irony

You may recall that recently in the news was a story which involved the Spanish police arresting a dozen Basque separatists on charges of attempted murder and conspiracy to commit acts of terrorism. The militants were brought to the national police headquarters in Madrid, where they were detained for three days until their court appearance. The authorities' mistake was in allowing them all to attend the same hearing. They were led out of their cells together as a group, under heavy guard, but just before leaving the building they had to pass through a small vestibule, into which only three officers were able to accompany the suspects, on account of the room's small size. Within seconds, in what was clearly a planned action, the terrorists overpowered their outnumbered guards, jammed the vestibule doors shut, left the building and escaped in waiting cars driven by separatist sympathizers, demonstrating once again the wisdom of the adage, "Don't put all your Basques in one exit."

The Jew's Simple Pleaures

Although you've checked the packaging front and back several times over the years, you finally discover a hechsher on that product you've been eyeing.

Numbers

Buoyed by the enþusiastic reaction to the "Letters" post of Nov. 17, I have concluded it good and fitting and, indeed, advisable to begin a new collaborative effort, viz., a compilation of numbers. Following the format of previous poſts of this nature, I have liſted below the numbers that have come to mind thus far. Please post any additional ones that you þink of in the Comments, and I will add them on (with attribution, of course).

-1, i, 0, G, (⅛)³, cos12, 2, e, 3, π, 7, 13.6, 1492, 19398, 15!, Avogadro's number, googol, googolplex, ∞

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Academe, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.

Academy, n. (from academe). A modern school where football is taught.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"That's not a bad idea - stealing Hudi. It's a good thing to steal."

-RBC

Captain's Log J

Date: Tenth Special Extravaganza

PARTY! WE MADE IT TO NUMBER TEN! YA! WOOT! L0!\!G L1\/E B/\!) Speeling!!

*cough cough* Yes, all righty then. We'll just put Mr. Insano back in his little box for now, shall we?

Normality returning, at least as far as I get on normal, it's been an action packed week, full of phone calls and other such tedious things. yay. Oh, what fun it was indeed! And yet, I'm still better off with my planning for next year than most of the other guys.

Let us begin, no? It all starts with me taking the SATs back in December. Then skip a few months ahead to me being lazy and only barely finishing a YU application. Skip a few more months ahead, should be about summer now, to when we notice that there has been no reply from YU. Then the e-mail tag begins, and continues to this day.

Turns out that they never got my SAT results. What's more, turns out that the SAT transcript I had was misplaced, most likely by me if I had to guess. Kind saint that my motherly figure is, she was kind enough to inform me that the people at the SAT place would not appreciate a call from her and that it would have to be me who called them (the SAT people) from here (Isi), which would result in a 10 minute long (expensive) conversation. However, everything was sorted out almost perfectly in the end and we are almost done. I just need to get an interview and a few scholarships and I just might end up in New York next year. Big might.

Over here, things have been progressing rather slowly. The week itself was rather uninteresting, save that my old brigmate moved out and I got a new one before I could appreciate the joys of being stuck in my own cell...room. I mean room. New guy is not so bad, as in he lets me use his stuff, which isn't much in truth. Only problem is he likes to sleep all afternoon and go to bed late. It was his birthday last Thursday. Ya. That's a story and a half, with only about 0.21% my story.

The weekend is when things started to heat up. The baby party was a fantasmagoriphic delight. There were 12 guys from Ottawa in one room. 12! In one room! crazy! And some of the Beis guys came too, and one of them stayed in my room on the floor, but he so didn't care, and i was all like "dude, if you want my bed, you can have it." but he was all like "Na, dude, it's allllllllllll right."

OK. Turns out the lid wasn't on tight enough for Mr.Inasno, so it has been sealed now with duct tape, the almost edible sticking product.

So the party was really really nice, with lots of fruit and cakes. I think I ate the equivelent of two mangos and five plums. Delicious. Oh, and the cakes were good too.

One of the Reb's also threw a party at his house Friday night, so I went early to help him (cause he has five little girls all between the ages of 9 and 2. Ya.). It happened, therefore, that when guys started showing up, I got pushed outside into the backyard, where I was seperated from the front door and exit to the house by a sea of guys with sunflower seeds. To escape this peril, I hoped the fence, which was a stone wall the size of a regular fence with a real fence on top of that. Twas, with out a doubt, the greatest escape of all time.

Next week will be interesting. We've got a trip Saturday night, though we don't know where yet. It's suppose to be two days though, which would be cool. It's also suppose to have lots of fun hiking trails, all perfectly safe (unfortunately). I bet it'll be a blast still.

No work on writing, as I've been effectively cut off from all computers with Microsoft word and have been very very busy with side projects. Such side project include organizing a school paper, working in a tape library, and starting up an improve night with one Isaac, the only man who I can think of that can beat me in the crazy game. Also, I have been drawing somewhat. Two more sketches: A Jigglypuff and a Growlithe, the latter of which I am very proud of. Cause he's just so cute. Maybe I should stop drawing Pokemon, though. It really can't be healthy.

Well, that's all for now, folkies. HOpe my spelling was just a wee bit better this time. And if it wasn't, well, I'm still not going to check it twice. So there.

Sticking my tounge out at the computer,

Zev Fox

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

It's nearing the end of the 9 Days, and you're next to a guy who isn't meikel at all on showering.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

You don't have your own tallis, you have to wear one, and the one you're given is the type that's constantly slipping off your shoulders.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

Shabbos Mevarchim with a chazzan.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

Benching on Rosh Chodesh Teves on Shabbos.

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Absurdity, n. A statement of belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Enough of preaching; let's do some teaching."

-RBP

Mazel Tov

To Dovid & Spug Friedman on the bir‎þ of a daughter, Ariella Yaffa, borne unto them on 10 November (I believe).

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Abridge, v.t. To shorten.
‎When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for a people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.―Oliver Cromwell

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"When you're sitting in your Chevy and you're feeling kind of heavy, diarrhea."

-GS (sung)

Part #5 is here!!!

Everyone's favourite preacher is back, with Part #5 in his epic mini-series.

For those of you who missed the previous four fantastical installments, no need to worry, as I've provided links for those videos below:

Part #1
Part #2
Part #3
Part #4

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Abnormal, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward a straiter resemblance to the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Just ignore that."

-BH, re. message at beginning of copied film being shown in class: "This film not to be copied"

The Jew's Simple Pleasures

On Shabbos morning, after returning the Sefer Torah to the Aron, you notice the rabbi motion to the sha"tz to start Kaddish.

Party

Anyone who will be in the area this Shabbos...Big party at my house...starting at 10:15 after morning prayer service. A good time - guarenteed!

Profound Þought

If you've got everything coming to you, you're probably in the wrong lane.

From "The Devil's Dictionary"

Aborigines, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

Circumcision.

The Zionist's Minor Misfortunes

By mistake, you play "Hatikva" in a major key, so it comes out "I'm a Little Teapot."

The Anti-Zionist's Minor Misfortunes

By mistake, you play "I'm a Little Teapot" in a minor key, so it comes out "Hatikva."

Letters

In the spirit of our word lists from before (3x3, 4x4, etc.), I've decided to initiate a group compilation of letters. Below you'll find the ones I've come up with so far. Please feel free (nay, encouraged) to contribute any additional ones you think of by posting them in the Comments.

ABCDFGHJKLMORSTUWXYZ V (thanks to hevnsangel19), E (our appreciation to Gaby 'n Fish ), א (todah rabbah to Yeish Lanu Harbe Baquanim)

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"I think one of the Commonwealth Games should be 'Beating Back the Natives,' but it's not there.... You know, 'Fighting Back the Sepoys.'"

-MF the Elder

Jean Chretien: Genius

" A reporter came to me and asked if it is true that seals eat cod. I don't know. I'm not a seal. But I can tell you seals don't eat beef because the seals are not living in Alberta."

- Jean Chretien
(at a Liberal party fundraiser in Calgary in 1995)

Man, I miss that guy...

(Dedicated to Mrs. Rotes who asked me to find this)

Help Please

Could you please tell me everything you know about MP3 players (iPods, etc)? I think I want to buy one (one with a reasonably large memory), but I don't hear a lot about what makes them good/bad, what their features are, significance of various brands, etc. Thanks.

pictures game

1 2


3
4
5
6

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"You'll remember this Tosfos forever because of the rolling stone."

-RBP

Not Ac"custom"ed to This

A month ago, I had the pleasure of dealing with two of my favourite government departments: The Municipal Department of Transportation and The Canada Border Services Agency (motto: Come In With a Problem, Leave With a Problem.) I was also considering renewing my driver’s licence that same day at the Provincial Ministry of Transportation, you know, just to throw the entire day away.

I was inspired to see that the CBSA department is run by those of considerable analytical ability and creative insight. For an example of these talents, please refer to CBSA’s Eighth Annual Report on Canada’s War Crimes Program, available on the Agency’s home page, whose first sentence reads:

"The most effective tool in denying safe haven to people involved or complicit in war crimes or crimes against humanity is preventing them from entering Canada."

You can’t argue with that logic. I think we can all agree that this division of government is a valuable asset to our country.

At 10:00 AM, I leave my home to take a bus to the airport where the CSBA has its office. I get to Lincoln Fields Station (or as I like to call it: Afghanistan) where I look on the wall to consult the bus schedule (for those of you from a Commonwealth country, please pronounce this word “Shed-u-al,” and those from a non-Commonwealth country, by which I mean America, please pronounce it “Sked-ju-al.” And we wonder why we have diplomatic problems.)

So, the schedule with the bold heading “97 – AIRPORT” indicates that my bus is going to arrive shortly. Now, you may think that “97 – AIRPORT” means that that bus actually goes to the airport, but you would be stupid, because by “AIRPORT” they mean “45 km away from the airport” at Tunney’s Pasture. But it’s okay, see, because if you take a 97 “A” you can get deposited at South Keys, which is only 5 km away from the airport, in other words over an hour’s walk. To get the actual 97 route that goes to the actual airport itself, you need to take another 97 bus at Tunney’s Pasture which will deposit you at the airport. I’m discomforted to know that the same people responsible for these bus routes are also in charge of transit security.

Eventually I get to the airport where I can get my required customs’ form, the Y-38, which allows me to mail items to a foreign country without paying customs’ duties since I plan on returning these same items, eventually, to their country of origin.

So at the airport, the man at the information desk tells me the customs office is “down the hall and immediately to the left,” by which he meant “down the hall, turn right, walk down and turn left at the next corner, and the office is the first door on the left.” Not familiar with this new airport code, I walk all over the place, even going to the second floor where I enter a room I think is a customs office but turns out to be, it seems, the Waiting for Osama Bin Laden office. As I enter this unlocked room, three white-shirted customs’ agents, jump to their feet in anticipation of me pulling out a nuclear warhead. You got the wrong type of Semite, I wanted to tell them. After we all had a good laugh, and the guy who left the door unlocked was executed, they told me the customs office of the non-violent variety was on the bottom floor.

I finally arrive, and guess what? It’s their lunch hour! So I sat down, read some fascinating customs pamphlets, and played the “How Many Security Cameras Can You Find?” game (I found three.)

The thing is, though, that not withstanding the fact there is a service counter, customs’ agents don’t deign to talk face-to-face with a commoner unless it is absolutely necessary. Rather, one is required to pick up a phone that automatically connects you to a customs’ secretary to whom you confess your problem. The secretary listens carefully to your every detail and only then admits she can’t help you. Then, a real live customs agent appears from the back room to speak to you, get this, in person! This was so exciting!

The lady who was ahead of me confessed first. She had made the silly mistake of trying to send a package to her daughter in Qatar! She was trying to recover the $150.00 customs fee she paid, which she was told a few months ago by a customs official she was entitled to due to the non-commercial nature of the package. So the customs official at the counter asks her where the package is.

“In Qatar.”

“Do you have it here?”

I could then see this was going to be a loooong day.

Then it’s my turn. “How can I help you,” asks The Surly French Canadian Customs Agent from Hell. I tell her I need a Y-38 form. She wants to know the serial number on the goods. They don’t have serial numbers. If there are no serial numbers I can’t have the form. “So,” I ask, “you mean in the entire history of this country, not a single person who asked for this form was trying to ship, say, books, antiques, furniture, crystal meth or anything else without a serial number?” Actually, I didn’t really say “crystal meth.” I actually said “cocaine.”

So then, I put on my charming-cute-boysy-smile and, ask if she’s sure there’s nothing she could do to help me. NOTE: Statistically speaking, my charming-cute-boysy-smile has caused more women to turn into salt than to actually help me.

She told me she knows someone at a commercial customs office right here near the airport on Thad Johnson Road. She tells me it’s a mere kilometre away. “But,” she warns, “I will be frank with you. They will probably ask you to open the package, you know, to see you don’t have any kiddie porn or dope.” Right! I think to myself. Because if I were trying to smuggle in kiddie porn or dope the first thing I would do is go to a commercial customs office and expose myself to drug sniffing Dobermans and the scrutiny of more cops than North Korea’s army!

So I venture forth toward Thad Johnson road. Oh, did I tell you the airport’s only road out has no sidewalk? Or that it was raining? Or that it was ten degrees outside? Or that I was wearing my non-waterproof shoes and walking on wet grass?

So, I’m trying to find this Thad Johnson Street, which a bus driver directs me to, but seems not to exist. NOTE: Lieutenant J. Thad Johnson of Michigan died escorting pronounced anti-Semite Charles Lindbergh in flight as he flew around the Peace Tower in a celebration. I for one am happy we have a road named after this important historical figure.

At the intersection at which I had to cross, there is four-way traffic consisting mostly of 18-wheel trucks carrying cargo to and from the airport. And they are going 80 kilometres per hour. Oh yeah, and there are no traffic lights, stop signs or cross walks at this intersection, yet for some reason there is a sidewalk median indicating that this spot is for pedestrian crossing. Due to the nature of the traffic, whenever one has to cross the street he does so at peril to his life. To picture what I looked like crossing this deathtrap, play Aram Khachaturian’s "Sabre Dance" in the background while picturing Jiminy Cricket, umbrella in hand, trying to cross this perilous intersection.

Anyway, I couldn’t find this place, so cold, wet, headached, hungry and tired I returned home. I called FedEx and asked about their rates to ship this package. “$140.00 for overnight shipping or $80.00 for 2-day shipping.” My headache suddenly got worse.

“Isn’t there a ground option?” I ask.

“Yes… Ground shipping is $25.95,” she tells me. “It takes about a week.”

“Great. Oh, that’s great. Please send it by ground.”

“Okay, but to send by FedEx Ground, you have to drop the package off at our office.”

“Um…okay. Where’s your office.”

“Just a minute. I’ll look it up.” I hear the clicking of typing in the background.

“Okay,” she says, “the shipping office is on a street called Thad Johnson.”

I take another asprin.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

Some weird guy sights your kippah, brilliantly (to his way of thinking) deduces that you're Jewish, corners you, and spends the next hour telling you everything he knows (and many things he doesn't) about Judaism, Christianity, Middle Eastern politics, famous Jews, Jews he remembers from when he was a kid, and big business (you're Jewish, after all, so you know what he's talking about).

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

It's a hot day in Israel, you've been running around doing stuff, you're really thirsty, and the only thing to drink is Jerusalem tap water.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

It's a hot day in Israel, you've been running around doing stuff, you're really thirsty, and the only thing to drink is Petel.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

You're walking down Me'a She'arim, and a bus comes.

The Jew's Major Misfortunes

Jukim.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

It's winter in Israel, you're in a large room, the room is overheated so the windows have been opened at the behest of the people in the middle, and you're sitting next to the window.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

It's winter in Israel, you're in a large room, the room is overheated, the people next to the windows refuse to open them so as not to freeze themselves, and you're sitting in the middle of the room.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

It's a hot, humid day, and you're in Flatbush.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

Washing your hands in the winter in Ottawa on Shabbos (no warm water).

Hidden Talents

Check out this video: http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7829107821746099309&q=yeshiva, this guy must have gone to OTI at some point... Make sure to watch to the end, it appears that one of our fellow bloggers might have Hollywood aspirations. Have a good day everybody.
Aviva (aka Mrs. Rotes)

Lifetime of Accomplishment

I will now use this blog to list, in order, all that I have accomplished over my lifetime. These accomplishments are as follows:

-
-
-
-
-

thank you.

Reminder

I just don't want anyone to forget the important work we started in October on multi-homophones and 3x3 and 4x4 words. The posts on those topics have been updated periodically with new additions, and, of course, they're available in our October archive. (I suspect some bloggers would be annoyed if I posted anew the updated versions, so I'll just leave them where they are in October.) I encourage you all to stay resolute in the face of adversity and keep looking for new words to contribute. The canon is still open.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"I'm going to macerate you, minsicate [?] you, cut you into little pieces and put you in Mr. Shapiro's garbage can. Now be quiet."

-EA, to GS

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"He's an Oreo. He's black on the outside, white on the inside."

-ES, re. Colin Powell

Man, Moderately Selassie Misses This Guy...

"I like to stand up to the Americans. It's popular. But you have to be very careful because they're our friends."

– Jean Chrétien, private talk with Belgian Prime Minister Jean-Luc Dehaene, accidentally recorded at NATO Summit

Captain's Log I

Date: Sleeptember Fest

I seriously wish it was, though. As it's not, I'm just going to have to try and go to bed early and wake up as late as possible, otherwise I'm going to crash soon. Do to all the fun and excitement of having break from 1-3:30 and spending that time on side projects. Gotta love blue hair....I mean side projects.

Well, let's see...other than spending almost no time out off the campus this week, not much has really happened. Except one little jaunt with my cousin and her husband. In the shook. I only found out why it was called that after I left. I was trembling the whole time I was there.

Shook = large shoping centre type place in Hebrew, or bazaar. It was packed. It was smelly. It was an experience. I got a pomagrante for 4 shek (about 1 dollar) and ate the whole thing the next night. Delicious. And I also found Nutella (ya's think I'd know how to spell the name of the best spread ever, but I don't), which is the best spread ever. Otherwise, we just walked an talked.

One odd thing that happened was when two kids with a soccer ball acousted me in the street. They looked at me, whispered something to each other, and tossed me the ball. I pretended I knew how to juggle a ball, amde a complete fool of myself, and give it back to two very impressed Isi kids. All without saying a word. Twas weird.

And speaking of weird things I do...I have done no writing this week. Instead, I have been drawing. Now this has been during the very minimal amount of free time, so I have only two drawings: My logo and an Ekans. And if you know what the second one is, I really really hope you are laughing at me now. Cause I am.

More good news, I managed to stand my ground and yell at some guys who were mocking me. This started when they took my USB key while it was around my neck, in the necklace like fashion that I oh so enjoy wearing it in. Either way, I yelled, got it back, and there was only minimal amount of blood shed (one of the guys in the room had acne and was picking it).

Now I yell at you people who did not tell me that a female type baby was born nay but two weeks ago. WOuld it really have been so hard to tell me that he had a baby? really that hard? Well, if you don't know who I'm talking about, I'm not going to tell any of you. That will be your punishment. Either way, he's throughing a party so that's where I'll be this weekend. So I'll see you there, maybe, if you're in the area.

Probably not going to get drunk there,

Zev Fox.

New at Viva's

There is an exciting new pool table now at Viva's!

(Actually, it's probably the one that used to be in the Teen Lounge, thus new only to Viva's.)

(Also, I suppose it's not really any more exciting than any other pool table, and perhaps less so: I doubt it's very high-quality.)

(At the very least, it's a pool table. You can get the balls down at the front desk.)

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"I'm so tired!"

-GS; daily ritual

Gaby's Gobbledygook Worst Blogger of the Month Award

Please submit your non-anonymous, single Worst Blogger of the Month nomination. Thank you.

Security and aggravation

Why are the word verifications getting longer by the day?

Moderately Selassie Misses This Guy

The inimitable...

When holding a press conference on Free Trade with U.S. president Bill Clinton, Jean Chrétien was asked what he thought about all the drugs that were entering Canada from the U.S. He responded: "Well, it's more trade." After a tense moment of silence and some muffled laughter, Clinton leaned over and whispered something in Chrétien's ear. Chrétien immediately blurted, "Oh, drugs! I thought you said trucks!"

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Are we done with our little games, now?"

-EM

Happy Birthday Gaby 'n Fish

Found in this week's Mishpacha Junior:

Jew's Minor Misfortunes

How 'bout being on the executive board of a "Jewish" organization were the majority of people involved are interested neither in being Jewish, nor in being organized.

Fellow Blogger Member of Endangered Species -Fox News

I was shocked and disturbed after stumbling across the following report from FoxNews.

"Veterans of the First World War are in short supply; U.S. data shows that there may be no more than 30 doughboys still living."

So if you happen to be somewhere near a Doughboy, especially our favourite one, give him a hug and hold him close, for he is a member of a rapidly vanishing breed.

Let's not take our Doughboy for granted.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"X doesn't wash his hands after he urinates."

-AK I; announced in middle of class

THE OPINION OF THE GADOL HADOR SHLITA

AGAINST THE ARTICLE OF MAXIEBABY & WIFE

"Ein Meisterstuck der modernen Kritik."

I must express my deep pain over the fact that this article written by Maxiebaby & Wife presents a great stumbling block to the reader. It is full of heresy, twists and misrepresents the words of our sages and ridicules the foundations of our emunah. Heaven forbid!

The author who once studied in holy yeshivas justifies his approach by maintaining that he wrote the article in that fashion in order to bring wayward Jews closer to the Bl-g. [He also had been given administrative authority on the site that has since been retracted.] The publication and distribution of this article presents a spiritual danger and I fear that people will be adversely influenced by it. I therefore declare that this article should be distanced and it is forbidden to read, own or distribute it as the Halacha applies to all "articles of heresy". The author should also not be permitted to engage in blogging so that he should not transgress the cardinal sin of spreading words of heresy. There can be no room or justification whatsoever for spreading this article.

May the Bl-g have mercy on us and pour forth a spirit of purity so that the world becomes full with the knowledge of the Bl-g.

Signed with a pained heart and with the hope that the author who has spread this heresy will burn all of his works and publicly retract all that he has written.

Ninth Day of Heshvan 5766

He Who Must Not Be Named

Ein Meisterstuck der modernen Kritik.

In my earlier comment I gave 2 possible solutions to the mystery presented by He Who Must Not Be Named. Clearly, both of them were quite flawed.

Using a new form of Analysis called "higher criticism", I've come up with a third theory (for which i have invented the term "Documentary hypthesis") which you may find slightly controversial. I believe it can be clearly shown that the DIET, DDD, and CIW?AFD all contain fragments of other documents written by multiple authors and later put together by an anonymous redactor. This is abundantly proven and undeniably clear. Besides for the obviously different linguistic styles, this material is filled with contradictory information, and all the characters are referred to by different names.

Also, as far as the uniqueness of the text goes, you may be surprised to learn that so-called "Engagement dialogues" were a common feature of ancient internet writings. A treasure trove of this material has been discovered at "onlysimchas.com", much of which shares similiar phrasing and even nomenclature with our subject matter.

I've highlighted the different sections in different colours so that you can clearly see the sources the different material.

DIET:

DOUGH BOY'S ENGAGED TOO!!!
HUDA!!! I couldn’t be more excited for you! You’re engaged!! My GOSH! That’s INCREDIBLE! I’m sure she’s a beauty! It’s great that you’ll be here in December time so that everyone gets a chance to meet her before the big day. Mazal Tov.

------

CIW?AFD:

Mazel tov, Hudi! I had no idea! That's wonderful! Поздравляю?! Herzlichen Glückwunsch! I've been trying to call you all night, but you never answer. What's her name? Where's she from? Tell all, tell all!

-------

DDD:

Her name is Cassandra (Nechama) Spiro. She’s 5"6, 111lbs, dark eyes and hair. She’s a fitness instructor at the JCC in Chicago (which is where we met) and is working on a masters degree (very part time basis). She’s a BT and growing! We hit it off the second time we met (first meeting wasn’t as successful, but I’ll never talk about that). Basically I fell (practically fainted) for her because she’s the most attractive person that I have ever met or seen or smelled and has the friendliest, most fun personality. We’ve been together for 3 weeks but we knew from that second date that it was meant to be. If I wasn’t the happiest person before, I certainly am now! The wedding is going to be soon, we’re thinking winter break so that everyone can show. It’ll be here in Chicago because her family and friends are here. The only thing I can say is: Life Is GOOD!!

------

Based on an extensive linguistic and thematic examination of the material, I've been able to assemble the three original documents. I'll call them P, C, and N.

First, we have the Punctuation document, which is in the form of a dialogue. These sections are clearly recognizable based on their use of the exclamation and question marks. We believe that the culture from which this had originated had not yet invented the simple "full stop". (I use that term to discourage puns.)

The basic content is easily differentiated from the other text:

DOUGH BOY'S ENGAGED TOO!!! HUDA!!! I couldn’t be more excited for you! You’re engaged!! My GOSH! That’s INCREDIBLE! I’m sure she’s a beauty! Mazel tov, Hudi! I had no idea! That's wonderful! Поздравляю?! Herzlichen Glückwunsch! What's her name? Where's she from? Tell all, tell all! She’s a BT and growing! If I wasn’t the happiest person before, I certainly am now! Life Is GOOD!!


Now, it seems clear that the redactor scrambled the order of verses here in order to throw us off his scent, so a little reconstruction is needed here. Oh, and since this author clearly refers to Doughboy, the verses containing the name Hudi or Huda are clearly glosses from another document, despite the punctation, so we will remove them.

Here is the original P document:

Chorus: DOUGHBOY'S ENGAGED TOO!!! You’re engaged!! That’s INCREDIBLE! What's her name?

Hero: Herzlichen Glückwunsch!

Chorus: That's wonderful! I couldn’t be more excited for you! My GOSH!

Hero: I’m sure she’s a beauty!

Chorus: Tell all, tell all!

Hero: She’s a BT and growing!

Chorus: Where's she from?

Hero: I ha[ve] no idea! Поздравляю?! If I wasn’t the happiest person before, I certainly am now!

All: Life Is GOOD!!


The next bit is called the C, or Cassandra document. You will note that in the P document the Fiancee is referred to as "Herzlichen Glückwunsch". It is indeed difficult to fathom how any reader with a modicum of intelligence could assume this was written by one author. Not to mention that the P document claims that the Fiancee is from Поздравляю (Pepsi-bro), while both the C and N documents mention Chicago as her origin. Again, some minor re-arranging of word and verse order is necessary to uncover the original.

C Document:

Priest: Mazel tov, Hudi!

Hudi: I've been trying to call you all night (very part time basis), but you never answer. Her name is Cassandra Spiro. We hit it off. She’s working on a masters degree at the JCC [In similiar inscriptions, this sort of abbreviation refers to an educational institution, or "College" -MB] in Chicago. The second time we met, basically I fell (practically fainted) for her because she’s the most attractive person that I have ever met or seen and has the friendliest, most fun personality. First meeting wasn’t as successful, but I’ll never talk about that, because her family and friends are here.

Priest: [When are you getting married?] (this is missing from our text, but is a common feature of such dialogues)

Hudi: The wedding is going to be soon, The only thing I can say is, we’re thinking winter break so that everyone can show.

And finally of course the N document. Other than the name difference, this part stands out in several glaring areas. For instance, the P document, which was written in a very primitive cult which had not fully outgrown the stage of rotund fertility goddess worship, describes the "beauty" of the Fiancee as being a BT (Which we conjencture to mean "a bit tubby") and growing. The C document simply uses the vague term "attractive", and by the time the N document had been written, society's ever-fickle standards of female beauty had changed, and the Fiancee is described as being quite svelte.

N Document:

Guy: HUDA!!! Mazal Tov.

Huda: We've been together for 3 weeks but we knew from that second date that it was meant to be. It’s great that you'll be here in December time so that everyone gets a chance to meet her before the big day. Nechama is a fitness instructor, 5'6", 111 lbs, dark eyes and hair.

Guy: [Where's the wedding?] (again missing from our text, but a common feature of such dialogues)

Huda: It’ll be here in Chicago, which is where we met, or smelled.


As you can see, it is necessary to rearrange the order of some words and verses to arrive at the original meaning, but I think the evidence compels one to do so. Any thoughts?

Unbelievable

I would like to point out something which I would never have predicted in my entire life yet seems to be horribly true. On Tommy's engagement home page rather then posting a picture of the chosson and kallah pictures of two teddy bears were posted instead. One is called a "Tommy Bear" while the other is a "Sharon Bear". Now those of you who are familiar to onlysimchas will know that this is something that occurs on occasion so why am I expressing surprise? For two reasons - as much as I like Tommy and even if he is so cute and cuddly I would never think of calling him "Tommy Bear". I also would never have thought Tommy would go for something that seems like it was done by a fan of N'SYNC.

The Jew's Minor Misfortunes

The guy davening behind you takes a really long time to say the Shmoneh Esrei.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"If they took me to court and they asked me what Gavriel said, I would say I know he said bad words, I just do not know which ones."

-MH

You don't know Jack (or do you?)

Here's a game that I like to call "LAYTON or SQUIRREL?"

Those of you who played "MOORE or ORCA?" back in August know the drill.

Below are 3 pictures. Each picture is a small part from a larger picture.

One of these pictures is of NDP leader "Smiley" Jack Layton's moustache and 2 of these pictures are of dead grey squirrels. Try to guess which is which!

Good luck! (see below for the answers)

(For answers click here)

Jean Chrétien: Master Statesman

"I was the only Minister of Indian Affairs to have survived six years at that posting while managing to keep my scalp."

-Jean Chrétien
(Ottawa Citizen, 9/8/90)

Man, I miss that guy . . .