Gaby's Gobbledygook

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Cute Blog Header

I was taking a look at the blog at http://mavenyavin.blogspot.com; it's got some interesting stuff. (Our friend lamedzayin, of the Orthodoxy Test, is one of its contributors.) It describes itself as "Orthodox Jews seeking coherent, relevant, hashkafah. Must like rationalism, halakha, and long walks on the beach." It has four contributors altogether. The blog's header is the following:

MAVEN YAVIN

The views expressed in any post belong only to its author and not to the other posters on this site.
The rest of us probably disagree with that apikorsus as strongly as you do.
Please feel free to express your displeasure in the appropriate comment thread.

Quote

"I thought my ear had fallen off."

-Evander Holyfield, following the boxing match in which Mike Tyson bit off part of his ear

I didn't realize George Bush was at the Pope's funeral

35,000 People Arrested in Massive Crime-Ring

Nearly 35,000 people were arrested today in what is being called the biggest crime bust in history. It all started after an alert citizen notified authorities that the Peanut M&M’s being sold at Zellers were available for twelve cents cheaper down the street at “Moufid’s Convenience and Heroin Shop.” Unfortunately for the some 35,000 employees who work at Zellers, the price discrepancy meant that they were immediately found to be in violation of the law. Zellers is currently the only known business that is bound by “the lowest price is the law, everyday” law.

It is believed that Captain Salamander is the ring leader or crime lord. The Captain is still at large, wreaking havoc wherever he goes.

Ephraim Stulberg on Bo, 5765

Here’s another strange comment by the Targum “Yonasan”.

After Moshe finishes warning Pharaoh about the final plague to be inflicted upon the Egyptians, the latter warns him never to show his face in the palace again, upon pain of death. Moshe responds that, hey, no problem, I never liked you anyway, etc.

The Targum adds an interesting gloss on this terse conversation. When Pharaoh threatens Moshe with death, he does not say “I shall kill you”, but rather, “You will die.” From this formulation, the Targum derives that Pharaoh himself would not order Moshe killed; rather, Pharaoh would simply give Moshe over to those people who had desired to kill him all along (see Sh’mos 4:19). To this, Moshe replies that Pharaoh’s is an empty ultimatum, since he had already been informed in Midyan that the people who had sought his death had previously become impoverished, and were thus considered dead (see also Targum “Yonasan” on 4:19).

How do we know that someone who is penniless is considered almost dead? The gemara (N’darim 64b) teaches us that when God told Moshe that his persecutors (i.e. Dasan and Aviram) had died, he cannot have meant it literally, for they reappear elsewhere in the Torah. It must be that they had lost their property, and thus, as the Ran (N’darim 7b) explains, they had lost their influence over Pharaoh. There are other reasons why we might have considered them to have essentially died, writes the Ran; but those reasons would not have been sufficient grounds for Moshe to have been relieved, since they would not have diminished the capacity of his enemies to have him killed by Pharaoh.

The question now becomes clear. If the reason Moshe was reassured by the information that Dasan and Aviram had become paupers was because they would now have no influence over Pharaoh, and would thus be unable to kill him, then what can Moshe have meant by his flippant reply to Pharaoh in our parasha? If Pharaoh was threatening to allow Dasan and Aviram to kill him, then surely it matters very little whether or not they had the money to buy themselves influence at court.

Obviously, we must search for another explanation of the relationship between the poverty of Dasan and Aviram and Moshe’s security from their calumniations. A simple solution might be to suggest that in order for them to kill Moshe, they would have needed to hire a large gang to attack the physically imposing Moshe (see Shabbos 92a). They were no longer able to afford this.

Alternatively, and perhaps closer to the truth, it seems plausible to suggest that the only reason Dasan and Aviram had wanted to kill Moshe in the first place was because he had rocked the boat, potentially disrupting their relatively easy position in Egypt by killing the Egyptian taskmaster. Being from the tribe of R’uvein, they had been exempt from the harsh labour imposed upon the rest of the Jews by Pharaoh (see Meshech Chachma on P’ Sh’mos), and, in short, they rather enjoyed their position as heads of the Judenrat in Egypt. Their later complaints in the Desert were not mere posturing: they genuinely wished to return to Egypt (indeed, see the Targum “Yonasan” on Sh’mos 14:3). However, at some point, while Moshe was away, their prosperity had ended, and they were no longer so keen on living in Egypt. True, they still hated Moshe (see Sh’mos 5:20); but they were willing to give the whole Exodus business a try, since at least for the moment they had nothing left for them in the Land of the Nile. Thus Moshe felt confident that because of their loss of their property and their positions, they would no longer wish to stay in Egypt, and no longer actively sought to kill him.

More Harry Potter 6 Musings

Maybe there's something wrong with Fred and George. "Crookshanks's yellow eyes followed" one of their fanged frisbees "and he hissed when it came too close" (Caput 9); "Crookshanks trotted after" Ginny, "his yellow eyes fixed upon Arnold" the Pygmy Puff (Caput 14), another Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes product. As we know from Book 3, Crookshanks is very good at detecting evil things, and he doesn't like them.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"It's famous to those who know it."

-RBP

From The Devil's Dictionary

Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Quote

"If you don't consider what happened in Oklahoma, Tim is a good person."

-Michael Fortier, on former army pal Timothy McVeigh

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"But the halacha is already decided!"

-DS, pointing to Mishnah Berurah

From The Devil's Dictionary

Diary, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can relate to himself without blushing.

Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ
All that he had of wisdom and of wit.
So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died,
Erased all entries of his own and cried:
"I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst:
"Thank you: 'twill show you I am Saint the First"-
Straightway producing, jubilant and proud,
That record from a pocket in his shroud.
The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er,
Each stupid line of which he knew before,
Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit
On shallow sentiment or stolen wit;
Then gravely closed the book and gave it back.
"My friend, you've wandered from your proper track:
You'd never be content this side the tomb-
For big ideas Heaven has little room,
And Hell's no latitude for making mirth,"
He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth.
"The Mad Philosopher"

Poll #2: Hockey Hall of Fame?

Tommy and I are in the middle of a heated argument. I've only just managed to escape from the oven to write this post. It all started when I posed Tommy with the following question: "If a player captained all 30 NHL teams to a Stanley Cup victory without scoring a single point, would he make it into the Hockey Hall of Fame?"

For the sake of this poll I will not reveal who said what, but I will say that we were both adamant about our choices and that we were of different opinions.

Cast your vote in the comments maybe you'll catch some catfish.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Quote

"I, Robert J. Dole, do solemnly swear ... Uh, sorry. Wrong speech."

-Bob Dole, after being awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom by Bill Clinton 3 days before Clinton was inaugurated for the second time - having defeated Dole

Time Magazine Recalled Yet Again

Magazine officials are calling this the toughest decision they’ve had to make since the magazine’s inception over 80 years ago. After renaming the Man of the Year and having to recall millions of magazines, Time is issuing another recall, this time recalling the Man of the Year issue which was rewarded to the shovel.

The latest decision to recall the Man of the Year issue was made only hours after it was revealed that Captain Salamander had escaped from prison yet again. A senior editor was quoted as saying “The truth is the shovel’s accomplishments mean absolutely nothing right now. Great so the shovel facilitated the capture and imprisonment of one of the most wanted terrorists in the world, for a whole two days. Big deal. It’s obvious that this so called accomplishment, a whole stinkin’ two days of incarceration is not worthy of Man of the Year award.”

Instead Time is rewarding the Man of the Year award to a pile of manure. Time claims that with Captain Salamander on the loose, a pile of manure accurately depicts our current situation and is therefore a more than acceptable recipient of the Man of the Year.


Captain Salamander Escapes – Again

In a shocking development Captain Salamander has escaped from prison for the second time in as many months. Prison authorities are saying that the whole fiasco was an honest mistake. The Captain had been complaining about suffering from boredom, and asked his prison guard if he could be released. The prison guard complied, later saying “I was just trying to be a nice guy”.

Salamander’s current whereabouts are unknown, but it is believed that he has most likely been in contact with Bob the Builder and Neil Patrick Harris.

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Holocaust, n. Large-scale destruction, esp. the Nazi attempt to exterminate the Jews in the mid-20th century, after which the nations of the world swore not to stand idly by and allow brutal tyrants to seize power and commit gross atrocities. The democratic West recognized that the policy of appeasement was ineffective in preventing such crimes, and that instead genocidal autocrats must be stopped by use of force—a belief the West still maintains, with the sole qualification that such use of force must not result in anybody being offended or hurt.

The Orthodoxy Test #11: Coed Activities

Coed activities are

a) completely, unequivocally assur
b) very much frowned upon
c) ok, but only for people "in the parsha" and only under supervision
d) usually fine
e) necessary for a normal and healthy society
f) Leave this question out of my results

I apologize for not being more opinionated and controversial, but I took a pass [(f)] on this one too. There are way too many rabbis I know and respect who approve of coed activities of one sort or another for me to believe (a), or even an unqualified (b). These rabbis do not support exclusively activities of the type described by (c), either (indeed, some of them probably would not support activities of the (c) type). Rejecting (a), (b) and (c) does not, however, mean that coed activities are "usually fine" - (d). And while (e) may technically be correct in a limited sort of way, my feeling is that (e) is intended to express even more broad and enthusiastic approval of coed activities than does (d); obviously, that's not my position either. So I'm forced to choose (f).

Quote

"I've been laboring here for five years and now we have a sock talking at our commencement. It's kind of upsetting."

-Samantha Chie, a graduate, on Southampton College of Long Island University's bestowal of an honourary degree on Kermit the Frog

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Bronze Age, n. The epoch in which civilization discovered the merit of placing third.

Time Magazine Recalled Due to Glaring Error

Last weeks issue of Time Magazine has been recalled after a senior editor noticed a glaring error. In the issue, the Time Man of the Year was awarded to a manure shoveling man named Maxiebaby, who apprehended one of the most wanted criminals, and terrorists in the world. After further review it was decided that Maxiebaby was not the real force behind the capture, rather it was his shovel that deserved most of the credit.

Editors quickly realized their mistake when it was brought to their attention that without his shovel, Maxiebaby would never have been able to shovel manure. A senior editor was quoted as saying: “The shovel is what brought success to this whole mission. How on earth would Maxiebaby be able to make piles of manure without his shovel? That’s right, he wouldn’t have been able to do it, it would’ve been next to impossible! We also know that the only reason the President chose Maxiebaby for this mission was for his ability to clean up a mess. The only possible conclusion is that we misattributed the success of the mission to Maxiebaby, when all along the only reason his operation was a success was because of his shovel.”

The corrected version of the Time Man of the Year issue, seen below, has been printed and should be on newsstands by the end of the week.


QUOTI OF THE DAY

"'So how did you guys meet?' 'Well, it was bashert - he raped me.'"

-NH, re. halacha requiring rapist to marry victim (subject to latter's approval)

From The Devil's Dictionary

Diaphragm, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Quote

"When I bore people at a party, they think it is their fault."

-Henry Kissinger

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"'Space is limited:' that's true; that is the current theory of the universe."

-MF the Elder, analysing magazine ad

From The Devil's Dictionary

Destiny, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.

Ephraim Stulberg on Bo, 5764

One of the ways in which the Passover commandments of Egypt differed from those of future generations involved the obligation to spread the blood of the Pascal lamb over the doorframes of the Jewish dwellings. There is an argument recorded in the Mekhilta regarding the placement of the blood. R’ Shimon was of the opinion that the blood was to be smeared over the interior portions of the frame, since the verse (12:13) implied that only Hashem should be able to see it, not those standing outside. (“And I will see the blood, and have mercy on you”). R’ Nassan shared this opinion, noting that the verse stated that “the blood should be a sign for you”, but for no one else. R’ Yitzhak, however, argued with these opinions, stating that the blood was surely applied outside, “so that the Egyptians would see, and their insides would feel nauseous.”

These two opinions, while seemingly self-containing in their expressed rationales, are in fact reflective of a deeper debate concerning the reason for the commandment to apply the blood. The reasoning of R’ Yitzhak is obvious: the sign of the blood was meant as a stark reminder to the Egyptians of the changing status of their former slaves. The Jews no longer had to fear persecution in their religious observances. They were even able to exhibit the blood of the slain Egyptian deity outside their homes without fear of reprisal. The mere reminder that the Jews were eating the lamb, which was an abomination to the Egyptians (B’reishis 43:32), made the Egyptians sick to their stomachs.

Those who believed that the blood was spread on the interior stressed the idea that this blood represented something not so much to the Egyptians as it did to the Jews. Only Hashem was supposed to see it, no one else from outside. It should be a sign “for you”. One of the other aspects of the Egyptian Pesach service was that it had to be carried out with their bags packed, ready to go (Sh’mos 12:11. See P’sachim 96a). It was not enough to simply be ready; some action was required. The spreading of the blood over the inside of their houses was an action by which the Jews declared that they had no further use for their homes in Egypt. Who would want to live in so sanguinary an abode? These would be their last moments in that benighted place.

Friday, January 27, 2006

Captain Salamander Recaptured



Maxiebaby was named “Man of the Year” by Time magazine after he single-handedly captured known terrorist Captain Salamander. In a covert operation known only to the President himself, Maxiebaby put his life in danger by going undercover as Russian nuclear arms specialist. As reported earlier, Maxiebaby set up a meeting to sell a nuclear bomb to Captain Salamander in order to gain his confidence. Once he got in with the Captain, Maxiebaby said bringing him in was “easy as pie, of the apple variety”.

When asked why he chose Maxiebaby for the operation, the President said “I was looking for a man who knows how to clean up a mess, who better than someone who shovels manure for a living?”

Bob the builder and Neil Patrick Harris remain at large.

This huge accomplishment comes on Maxiebaby’s birthday, making it a day he will never forget, unless he misplaces it. Congratulations Maxiebaby, and Happy Birthday!

Today (01-27-2006) Part #2

I know, you thought my day was more than complete after the whole blood donation thing, but you grossly underestimated the number of hours in one day. For the record there are 24 of them. So I’m on the subway heading home from the donation, when I pick up the free daily paper called “Metro”. I’m usually more than capable of finding at least one humorous article, and so I set off to work. Not before long I came across an article about Pamela Anderson’s bid to get the bust of Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Col. Harland Sanders, who I believe was stationed with Captain Salamander for a couple of years, removed from the state Capitol building. Ernie Fletcher, the governor of Kentucky, wrote a letter to Anderson stating: “Col. Sanders remains a Kentucky icon. His success story has been an inspiration to many. The industry he began has employed hundreds of thousands of workers over the years. His business and his legacy have been good for Kentucky.”

In response to this letter Anderson called Sanders’ company one “that mutilates God’s creatures.” And after all Pamela Anderson is an expert in the subject of the mutilation of God’s creatures, as she has had numerous mutilations performed on her very own body!

Today (01-27-2006) Part #1

Here’s the saga of today’s events. I went to give blood today. After going through the preliminary process of testing my iron and hemo-goblin (hemobooger? Or is haemoglobin? Actually I think it’s hobgoblin? What’s a hobgoblin again? I don’t even know) they then asked me the standard series of questions including my favourite “Do you know any Africans who have done cocaine while visiting France for three years before 1978 who have also had a brain graft and consume copious amounts of Acutane on a regular basis?”

Anyhow after scoring a perfect score on the test I proceed to the comfortable confines of the lazy-boy which doubles as the site of the bloodletting. The head nurse then comes over to me and asks me if I mind if Helen does the bloodletting ritual. Being a somewhat occasional viewer of the TV drama “ER” I was quite familiar with what she was asking and it was something along the lines of “We have a completely moronic and inexperienced newbie here, who has no clue how to tie her own shoes, can she perform a medical procedure on you?” On “ER” this is usually followed by a catastrophic series of events, including the deaths of several innocent extras who were just looking for a role that would catapult them into Hollywood stardom, where they would go on to have many successful relationships with other Hollywood stars, and live a life of complete happiness. Now, where was I? Ah yes, Helen. Knowing that there were many other highly qualified nurses in the vicinity I decided to allow Helen to use me as a guinea pig (or pin-cushion, whatever). While Helen prepared the various equipment needed to perform the bloodletting, I decided to engage in friendly banter in order to pass the time and it went something like this:

Me: (noticing the title “Phlebotomist” on her name tag) Ah, so you’re a phlebotomist?
Helen: Yes.
Me: How long does it take to become a phlebotomist?
Helen: I don’t know.
Me: I see.

I quickly decided that staring off into space would better suit my time and promptly left the conversation. We were fast approaching the time of bloodletting, when she asks: “Iodine?” Being famished I responded “Sure!” Helen then proceeded to rub the very iodine she just offered to me all over my arm. Things were starting to get hostile. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, she sticks a needle into my arm! I found myself unarmed after having checked my weapons at the counter when they set off the metal detector. I was at Helen’s mercy. Anyhow, back to some of the more factual events. The needle stick was a little too aggressive and my blood spurted all over Helen’s white overcoat, now who has the last laugh (no, who does? I’m not following). The procedure was going quite well and I was successfully minding my own business when I hear Helen yelp “Oh no!” You can imagine this being in “The Top 5 things you don’t want to hear your Phlebotomist say” along with “Why is your blood a venomous yellow?” and “This stuff tastes great, what are you? O negative?”

I immediately inquire as to what’s wrong by asking “Is everything OK?” (read “am I going live?”). Helen’s response: “I forgot to do something for my husband.” Excellent. You might want to work on your bedside manner a little. Luckily for me the rest of the bloodletting went as planned, and I managed to escape with only a couple of scrapes and bruises and ninety percent of my blood supply.

Once the bloodletting is complete you’re sent over to the refreshment area and let me tell you, you only receive first class service in the refreshment area. First a nice fellow who was patiently awaiting my arrival pulls a chair out for me and tells me to sit down. Then he handcuffs me to the chair and beats me to a bloody pulp. Oh wait, no that didn’t happen. The nice fellow offers me an assortment of treats all of which are not Kosher, and when I politely decline, he says “How about some pork rinds?” I pause for moment for dramatic effect and respond “Yeah, those must be Kosher!” So I had a coffee and left.

Ephraim Stulberg on Vaeira, 5766

The involvement of Aharon in the Ten Plagues appears from the biblical narrative to have been somewhat sporadic. For some of them (i.e. blood, frogs, lice, boils, as well as the initial episode of the staff /snake), he is described as an active performer, dutifully carrying out Moshe’s command; in others, his involvement is scarcely alluded to. While Rashi gives an explanation for each of these specific mentions of Aharon, his approach is somewhat ad hoc, and no overarching reason is presented.

The late Prof. Nahum Sarna, in his Exploring Exodus (p. 67), offers an intriguing observation. He notes that Aharon’s participation in the performance of the miracles is noted only when the pharaoh’s magicians are also present. Within the framework of the Torah’s narrative, Aharon is to Moshe as the magicians are to Pharaoh. It is not that Moshe was incapable of doing the wonders himself; Aharon’s involvement serves within the narrative simply to place Moshe on an equal footing with Pharaoh. Moshe, too, has his magical assistant; Moshe, too, is a national leader worthy of addressing the Pharaoh.

MAXIEBABY!!!!!!!!

If I don't write this today, Maxiebaby won't see it until it's already too late. Happy birthday to Maxiebaby on his quinquevigesimal birthday (Jan. 28)! A quarter of a century...wow! Do you remember the '80's? That's amazing! Seriously, though - you're really old. Really old. Almost unfathomably so.

Ephraim Stulberg on Vaeira, 5765

In P’ Va’eira, the Torah interjects into God’s discussion with Moshe an account of the genealogy of the first three tribes of Israel, thereby informing us, among other things, that Levi was the father of K’has, who in turn was the father of Amram, who was the father of Moshe and Aharon. Levi lived 137 years, K’has lived 133 years, and Amram lived 137.

Targum Yerushalmi (i.e. “Yonasan”) records some other factoids about these figures. It notes that Levi lived “until he saw Moshe and Aharon, the redeemers of Israel” (6:16), and that K’has “the pious” lived until he saw the birth of Pinchas.

These assertions are very difficult to understand. They certainly do not jive with other midrashic information, such as the comment of Rashi (6:16) that the subjugation of the Jews did not take place until Levi died – in which case the birth of Moshe would have been less dramatic. The commentary on the Targum, printed in Mikra’os G’dolos, raises other objections, based on an assumed 210-year length of the Egyptian exile.

Of course, we could say that the Targum simply takes another line, and that its author disagrees with these other midrashim. But the truth is that even when considered in light of other statements made by the Targum itself, the assertions made here are hard to swallow. According to the Targum, Yocheved was born just as the Jews entered Egypt (B’reishis 46:27), and she was 130 when she had Moshe (Sh’mos 2:1). This means that Levi, who was 137 when Moshe was born, would have been 7 when his wife had Yocheved. This is impossible for many reasons, none of which I will list here.

The solution to this dilemma is not immediately apparent. We might say that these statements are not meant to be taken literally; or we might posit the multiple authorship of the Targum Yerushalmi. I really don’t know.

Quote

"Television is a medium because it is neither rare nor well done."

-Ernie Kovacs

A Response to the Response

I feel obliged to respond to Gaby 'n Fish's recent article, which is full of distortions, pedantry and obscurantism. Mr. Fish may indeed be familiar with ostrich farming, but he entirely ignores the very crucial fact that the ostrich feather market crashed and the number of ostrich farms dropped significantly as a consequence of the two world wars. He is similarly unwilling to acknowledge that according to a 2004 study by the Center for Global Development and Foreign Policy magazine, the Netherlands and Denmark outrank the world’s leading economic powers as the nations most committed to fighting global poverty, quite negating their sub-par cheese consumption.

As for his assertions about the overstocked Korean warehouses, is he not aware that a Korean official has already admitted, "We were too optimistic, believing that people would be willing to buy World Cup products and make huge profits?" Besides which, the Korean language allows for a resultative to refer to the subject of a transitive verb assigning a theta role to an overt object. (By the way, so does Finnish; I think this adequately addresses his concerns about Helsinki's Rautatientori metro station.)

Undeniably, as Mr. Fish states, it does all come down to three decisions. But whence does he get the idea that those decisions will be made by Akakii Akakievich, a lowly government clerk in a short story by Nikolay Gogol? Insignificant bureaucrats must defer to their superiors' judgment on such pivotal issues as these, and besides, Mr. Akekievich, being a fictional character, is highly unlikely to have any influence on the proceedings. I therefore question whether Mr. Fish truly has even the slightest grasp of the topic at hand. I believe the informed reader must reject his arguments outright.

Response

Due to the global repercussions of the many interrelated issues that are usually only eluded to and quite often skipped entirely, I felt it necessary to address these issues with the following response. I am familiar with, and comprehend the many facets of ostrich farming and I am equally aware that the first commercial ostrich farm was established in South Africa in about 1860 solely for the purpose of harvesting the feathers every six to eight months. I am similarly conscious of the not so recent survey done by the Danish Dairy Board, which showed that the Dutch and the Danes averaged just above 16 kg of cheese consumed per inhabitant per year in 1998, both well below the European average of 17.4 kg, and both far off the 23.8 kg mark per inhabitant per year set by the Greeks.

An abundance of issues arise as a result of these findings. At the forefront is what to do with all the warehouses filled with over-issued official products with FIFA trademarks from the more than 100 Korean manufactures for the 2002 World Cup who have now gone bankrupt due to overstocking. Everything from soccer balls and key-chains, to traditional Korean wines and kimchi must be cleared out. A side point that must come into consideration is that the Rautatientori metro station in Helsinki is the only metro station in Helsinki whose name is announced in more than two languages: Finnish, Swedish, and English.

It all comes down to three decisions, some of them major, some of them minor, a couple of them random, and a few real doozies to finish them off. Lucky for us, Akakii Akakievich will have the final say on everyone one of these three decisions. We are in good hands.

The Kretchma

These are the lyrics to the song "The Kretchma" ("The Tavern"), which some of you may remember I used to sing occasionally. It requires a heavy Eastern European accent in order to have the proper effect, along with some body language to accompany the imagery.

Ven you hear Russian sonk, do you suffer?
Doz your heart start to pound in your chest?
If it does, zen come down to ze kretchma;
It costs plenty, but it's for ze best.

Chorus:
And zere is singink, and zere is dancink,
And ze Russian vomen is alright;
Come to ze kretchma, zet's vere you'll ketch me(h)
Drinkink wodka every night.

In ze corner is standink a Cossack;
You can smell him from vay down ze block.
On ze table a kendle is burnink,
And except for ze kendle it's dark.

Chorus

In ze centre is standink Ñatasha;
All ze men are beginning to pent.
Ven she dances, her shoulders, zey wibrate;
Ven she's singink you know zet she ken't.

Chorus

Boola Boola

These are the lyrics to another famous and popular Yale song:

Boola boola, boola boola,
Boola boola, boola boola.

Boola boola, boola boola,
Boola boola, Eli Yale.

Yale Fight Song

These are the lyrics of the Yale "Fight" Song, sung at sporting events (maybe at other venues too; I don't know). There may be a couple of minor mistakes, as I'm doing this from memory.

For your information, Yale was founded by Elihu Yale, and the Yale team nickname is the Bulldogs.

Bulldogs, Bulldogs, bow wow wow!
Eli Yale.

Bulldogs, Bulldogs, bow wow wow!
Our team can never fail.

When the sons of Eli break through the line,
That is the sign we hail.

Bulldogs, Bulldogs, bow wow wow!
Eli Yale.

Yale Hillel Choir Lyrics

These are the lyrics of a song my father sang with the Yale Hillel Choir in its only year of existence:

Come all ye sons of Moses
With all your lengthy noses,
Fight, fight, fight for Palestine!

Save all your dimes and nickels,
Buy only kosher pickels;
Fight, fight, fight for Palestine!

Matza, bagels,
Manischewitz wine;
Fight, fight, fight,
Fight for Palestine.

Make the big decision-
Get a circumcision.
Fight, fight, fight for Palestine.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"You can marry a mamzerette."

-BB, questioning severity of shock of discovering one's mamzerus

From The Devil's Dictionary

Dependent, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Polygamy, n. A form of adultery that remains illegal because it does not enjoy the widespread popularity of the other type. An arrangement which compounds the sin of licentiousness with that of honesty.

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Integrity, n. A characteristic that Ontario premiers used to have.

Ephraim Stulberg on Vaeira, 5764

In the Passover Haggadah, we are informed that the Egyptians were smitten with ten plagues before they consented to release the Jews. Rabbi Yehudah, we are told, had an acronym for these ten plagues, in which he divided them into three groups: the first two groups consisting of three plagues each, with the third group containing the final four. While it was certainly not unusual for the Tannaites to make such abbreviations, as per the dictum in Eiruvin 54b regarding their centrality to the memorization of the Torah, the usage of such a form for what seems to be a fairly self-evident fact recorded in the Written Torah seems somewhat strange at first. Why did R’ Yehudah feel the need for such a device? Although we find in other places that R’ Yehudah seems to have been a keen proponent of such tools for memorization (see Menachos 96a, and the comment of R’ Ovadiah miBartenura on the mishnah over there, as well as the Piskei Hatosafos #234), surely this borders on becoming a fetish. Couldn’t he simply consult the Torah text and count the plagues? One can’t help but feel that something more is going on here.

In Sh’mos Rabbah (8:3) we are told that the staff used by Moshe and Aharon to perform the plagues was rather unique. “R’ Yehudah said: “The staff had a weight of forty se’ah, was made of sapphire, and the ten plagues were inscribed on it as an acronym…””, the very same one used by the very same R’ Yehudah in the Haggadah. R’ David Luria, in his notes on the Midrash, cites the opinion of the GR”A, who had explained that when the Haggadah writes that “R’ Yehudah gave it an acronym…”, the “it” refers to the staff.¹ In other words, this was not a mnemonic invented by R’ Yehudah; rather, it was simply his testimony as to the character of the staff.

The Tosafist, R’ Yosef “B’chor Shor”, offers a different explanation of Rabbi Yehudah’s formulation. He notes that in the acronym, the plagues are divided into three sets of three – the third set contains four plagues, but only out of necessity – reflecting the fact that the pattern followed by Moshe in initiating the plagues was that he would give Pharaoh a warning for the first two, while the third of the trifecta would arrive unannounced. Thus the third, sixth and ninth plagues – lice, boils and darkness – arrived without warning, since they were merely everyday phenomena which had been ratcheted up several notches. Had Moshe warned Pharaoh that soon there would be lice in the land, he would have been laughed out of Egypt, in much the same way someone warning unrepentant Torontonians of a cold January would be ridiculed. The other plagues were much more outré, and thus it was deemed appropriate to use them as a threat. Thus Rabbi Yehudah’s formulation is useful in denoting the three discreet sets of plagues, and the pattern they followed.

Another significance of the enumeration of R’ Yehudah is alluded to in the commentary of R’ Yeshaya of Trani on the Torah. R’ Yeshaya is bothered by the fact that the Torah tells us that the seventh plague, that of hail, destroyed the barley crops, which had already matured. Since we know that each plague lasted for a month (see Sh’mos Rabbah 9:12), and the final plague occurred in Nisan, then the plague of hail should have occurred in Teves. Yet there are Talmudic sources (Sanhedrin 11b) which state that even by the middle of Nisan, it was not uncommon for the Jews to have difficulty in finding ripened barley for the omer offering. How could the barley have ripened so much earlier in Egypt? He suggests that perhaps the plagues are listed out of order, and that that of hail might have occurred a little later on, closer to Pesach, and notes that in Tehillim (78:47 and 105:32-33), the order of the plagues is switched, with hail coming closer to the end. But he rejects this approach, noting that the order of the plagues, as expressed by R’ Yehudah, clearly indicates that that of hail occurred seventh. Thus Rabbi Yehudah’s listing ensures that we maintain the correct order of the plagues.

Before concluding, it is perhaps worthwhile to examine the difficult of R’ Yeshaya. There is an argument in the Midrash Rabbah regarding how the month devoted to each plague was divided. One opinions has it that there were 23 days of warning, followed by seven of plague, while the other reverses it, with the plague lasting 23 days, coming after 7 days of threats. The death of the firstborn seems to have occurred on only one day, indeed in one instant, while, as we have mentioned, the plague of darkness arrived without warning. Thus if we count backwards from the fifteenth of Nisan, we arrive, according to the either opinion, at the fifteenth of Sh’vat as being the end of the plague of hail. The difficulty seems a little less grave.

¹ Most Haggados have a setup which militates against this explanation. First of all, they all seem to say “R’ Yehudah gave them an acronym”, not “gave it”: the reference seems to be only to the plagues, not to the staff. As well, according to the GR”A, the statement of R’ Yehudah ought to have come right after the first explanation of the verse, in which we are told that the “osos” referred to denote the staff, not in the “davar acher”.

Quote

"Too bad that all the people who know how to run this country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair."

-George Burns

There Goes the Neighbourhood!

I just read a disturbing artcile about the results of the Palestinian elections. It seems that Hamas (yes, you read that correctly, Hamas) has won the Palestinian equivalent of a majority government. I can't believe it...Harper couldn't pull it off, but Hamas could!

I do, however, see some parallels between our election and theirs...I'm just happier with the Canadian result...
"Hoping to harness a wave of discontent with Fatah, Hamas ran an anti-corruption campaign, calling its party Reform and Change. Fatah appealed for another chance to clean up the government and expand an economy shattered by nearly five years of fighting with Israel. Many Fatah voters said they were grudgingly supporting the party out of old loyalties." Sound familiar?

At the same time, there were a few small differences...
"In the West Bank's Balata refugee camp, militants who had threatened to burn down polling stations checked their assault rifles at the door with a flourish and peacefully voted. "

So, Hamas will now form the Palestinian government, which sounds pretty dangerous to me. Both Israel and the U.S. have said that they won't work with a Hamas government unless they make some changes...
""Israel can't accept a situation in which Hamas, in its present form as a terror group calling for the destruction of Israel, will be part of the Palestinian Authority without disarming," (Acting Israeli PM Ehud) Olmert told U.S. Sen. Joseph Biden in a meeting, according to Olmert's office. President Bush told The Wall Street Journal in an interview Wednesday that the United States will not deal with Hamas until it renounces its position calling for the destruction of Israel."

So what's the Palestinian reaction to all this?
"Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas has said he would step down if he could no longer pursue his peace agenda with Israel." However, "Mushir al-Masri, a senior Hamas official, said Thursday that recognizing Israel and negotiations with the Jewish state are "not on our agenda.""

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

People's Republic (also Democratic Republic), n. An oppressive dictatorship.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"If you do that, we'll have to hang you by your toenails out the window."

-KA

From The Devil's Dictionary

Deluge, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away the sins (and sinners) of the world.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Happy Robbie Burns Day!

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Beverly Hills, n. A city whose inhabitants strive for ever greater quantities of wealth, fame, and marriages.

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Choose, v.i. Kill one's unborn child.

Ephraim Stulberg on Shemot, 5764

When Hashem commands Moshe in this week's parasha to return to Egypt and redeem the Jews, the latter responds with a number of excuses. Towards the end of his week-long conversation with Hashem, he brings up the fact that he lacks the requisite speaking ability for such a difficult diplomatic assignment. "I am not a man of words, nor was I yesterday, nor the day before, nor from when you first began to speak with me, your servant; for I am heavy of mouth and of tongue" (Sh'mos 4:10). The commentaries are slightly bothered by the seeming redundancy in Moshe's words. What is the difference between one who is"heavy of mouth" and one who is "heavy of tongue"? Aren't these simply two different ways to say that he had a speech impediment? The midrash, with which all of us are familiar from our days as schoolchildren, tells us that he developed this disability when, in order to show that the baby Moshe was in fact no threat to Pharaoh, the angel forced his outstretched hand away from the crown towards the burning coals, which Moshe subsequently placed in his mouth. The origin of this midrash is in itself an interesting topic, which I was going to address this week. But that can wait for another time. This week we shall try to analyze the meaning of Moshe's peculiar phrase. What exactly was this speech defect?

The Yalkut (#166), citing the "Divrei Hayamim Ha'aruch", informs us that when Moshe put the coals to his mouth, he burnt the tips of his lips and the outside of his tongue, and he was thus made "heavy of mouth and of tongue", the phrase he used to describe himself in the verse we quoted above. Ibn Ezra, despite his general objections raised to any midrashim emanating from such a source as the Divrei Hayamim Ha'aruch (see commentary of Sh'mos 3:22), makes a similar observation, namely that the two terms, "mouth" and "tongue", refer to two distinct parts of the mouth, the lips and the tongue, which were defective, and thus prevented Moshe from correctly pronouncing the sounds produced by those two organs. An almost identical approach to the verse is adopted by Rabbeinu Channanel in his commentary on the Torah, though he posits that the word "peh", or "mouth", mentioned in the verse denotes the teeth, not the lips.

So which is correct, the explanation of R' Channanel or that of the Yalkut/Ibn Ezra? Was it Moshes's teeth that were damaged, or his lips? Is it really our place to say, to decide between these great commentators? Perhaps not, but a few comments must nonetheless be made.

If we adopt the approach of the Yalkut, that Moshe's impediment was not something he was born with, but rather was caused by a bad burn, then it seems reasonable to assume that it was his lips, and the "tip of his tongue", i.e. the most sensitive areas of his mouth, as well as those most likely to make first contact with the coals, that would have received the most damage. Again, such a hot object would have had relatively little effect on Moshe's teeth, which would in any case probably have been baby teeth at the time of the incident: he was in his third year, according to the midrash. It must have been his lips, not his teeth, that caused him difficulty. So far we are on solid ground.

Ibn Ezra, however, does not cite this midrash as proof of his interpretation, and indeed, as I noted above, there is reason to believe that he rejected this particular midrash as a legitimate source altogether. Moreover, he writes explicitly that Moshe was born with his deficiency, not that it was acquired through an accident. So why then does he seem so confident that the word "peh" refers to Moshe's lips? Did he make a survey of the Torah, finding that "peh" can be used frequently to mean lips, as opposed to teeth?

Probably not. The most obvious indication in favour of the approach of Ibn Ezra, as against that of R' Channanel, is that later on (6:12) Moshe describes himself as "aral s'fasayim", i.e. he had imperfect lips. It is interesting to note that Onkelos uses precisely the same words, "yakir mamlal", heavy of speech, both in our verse regarding the words "ch'vad peh" (4:10) and in translating "aral s'fasayim". Thus we have a clear proof that Moshe's impediment lay in his lips, while no such source exists indicating a problem with his teeth.

We may also add a slightly more mischievous proof in favour of the opinion of Ibn Ezra. In introducing his arguments against being sent to speak to Pharaoh, Moshe tells Hashem that "I am not a man of words", not a man of "d'varim", as the Hebrew text has it. If we analyze the sounds contained in the word "d'varim", we find two letters, the "beis" and the "mem", which are part of the family of sounds produced by the lips, while a third, the"dales", is pronounced with the tongue. The fourth sound, the "reish", is disputed ground, and may be classed in several categories - R' Channanel places it with the teeth, though it is certainly possible to group it with the tongue sounds as well, at least judging from the substitution patterns we find in Aramaic- see Jastrow's entry on "reish" in his dictionary, where he notes that"reish" substitutes for "dales" and "lamed" in many instances. If this last assumption is correct, then we can say that Ibn Ezra's explanation has the added benefit of an extra layer of meaning, in which Moshe tells Hashem that he is neither a man of words, i.e. a public speaker, nor is he someone capable of pronouncing the word "d'varim".

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"I don't know what you guys are smelling, because I don't smell anything."

-RN, couple of minutes before building evacuated on account of fire

From The Devil's Dictionary

Degenerate, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps why they suffered him to beg his bread - a marked instance of returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he would certainly have starved.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Ferric, adj. Ironic.

Ferrous, adj. Irony.

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Nose, n. One of the five sensing organs, generally situated in another's business.

Mazel Tov

To Bena née Sheffield and her husband on the birth of a child.

Mazel Tov

To Stephen Harper and George W. Bush on winning the election.

The Orthodoxy Test #10: Men's Torah Study

Men should learn Torah

a) all day, even if this requires a lot of sacrifice by their families
b) all day, if reasonably possible, but not if it requires great sacrifice by their families
c) for a few hours at a fixed time every day
d) when they feel like it
e) rarely - I can just ask my rabbi when I have a question
f) Leave this question out of my results


I left this question out of my results [(f)] because I think the answer varies so widely, depending on one's personality and personal circumstances. For some people, (a) is correct; for others, (b); for yet others, (c). I don't know if I'd endorse (d) for anybody, but there should be another option between (c) and (d) allowing for less that "a few hours" of study per day, while still involving a regular routine. What's the difference between (d) and (e)? Does (e) mean "at set times, even if I don't feel like it, but the set times are infrequent?" If so, I may agree with (e) for some people too, depending on how infrequent "infrequent" is. I dislike (d) because it seems to place a bit too much importance on whim and not enough on duty; my problems with (e) are more (1) the notion that the only reason to study Torah is to know halacha, and (2) that it's not necessary to actually study halacha because you can always just ask halachic questions when you need to know the law.

Quote

"A politician is a man who will double-cross that bridge when he comes to it."

-Oscar Levant

Mazel Tov

To Rabbi and Mrs. Shotkin on the birth of a she-Shotkin.

Ephraim Stulberg on Shemot, 5765

This week’s email pays homage to my young nieces, Adina and Miriam, whose birthday it is today (i.e. Thursday). We all look forward to your terrible twos.

Following upon the unfortunate fate of Er and Onan, the two eldest sons of Yehuda, whose absence among the seventy relations of Ya’akov who descended to Egypt is explicitly noted in P’ Vayigash, it seems that the Jewish people decided once and for all against any form of birth control, and in consequence, the Torah tells us, they began to have extremely large families. “And the Children of Israel were fruitful by multiple births, they increased abundantly and were exceedingly strong; and the land was filled with them” (Sh’mos 1:7). Rashi, citing the midrash (Tanchuma Sh’mos #5), notes that this verse teaches us that each Jewish pregnancy yielded sextuplets. There are also other, even larger figures, given for the average figure, some as high as sixty (Sh’mos Rabbah 1:8). Ibn Ezra notes that he himself had seen quadruplets, and that he had heard from doctors that up to seven was possible – subsequently proved correct by those people in Iowa, and later topped by Apu. So the midrash seems plausible.

These large numbers are derived in a number of ways from the Torah text. Some sages looked at all the different terms used in the verse we cited and saw them as implying additional children. Thus we have “paru”=1, “vayishr’tzu”=1, and so on, to get six. Some of the Tosafos cite a gematria, where “paru va-yishr’tzu”= “shisha be-cheres echad” – 2. Or something like that.

Others look at the particular word “va-yishr’tzu”, which has as its root the term “sheretz”, which refers to various sorts of animals that run around (see Ramban on B’reishis 1:20 for a discussion of this root). There are many different types of animal which are referred to as “sheretz”. And so some sages explain that just as the scorpion, a type of “sheretz”, has an average birth of sixty offspring, so did the Jews in Egypt; while others note that amongst the eight species of “sheretz” that emit ritual impurity (seeVayikra 11:29-31), the most fecund is the mouse, which carries six per uterus, and therefore that was how many the Jews gave birth to at a time (Yalkut Shimoni #162).

In other words, the Torah is telling us that the Jews were either like vermin, or like poisonous insects. Nice. Indeed, according to this midrash we begin to understand why the Egytians began to feel so threatened by the Jews. Ya’akov had blessed Ephraim and Menashe, praying that they would multiply like fish “amongst the populace” (B’reishis 48:16, as per the translation of Onkelos). Fish are also a type of “sheretz”, of course (see B’reishis 1:21): but they are much more unobtrusive than either scorpions or mice. Fish can give birth by the thousands, and yet no one seems to mind. The “evil eye” has no influence over them, as Rashi notes, because it has no interest in them. They mix in well with people, who respect the fact that they require a different living environment. But rather than being like the fish, the Jews in Egypt seem to have posed some sort of menace to the Egyptian civilization, as “distinct” society that threatened the national consensus. And so something had to be done about it.

And so to my nieces: may you always be as agreeable as the fish! Mazal Tov!

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Not like some damn bunch of cattle, that moo all at the same time."

-SG, re. class discussions

From The Devil's Dictionary

Decalogue, n. A series of commandments, ten in number - juts enough to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the Decalogue, calculated for this meridian.

Thou shalt no God but me adore:
'Twere too expensive to have more.

No images or idols make
For Robert Ingersoll to break.

Take not God's name in vain; select
A time when it will have effect.

Work not on Sabbath days at all,
But go to see the teams play ball.

Honor thy parents. That creates
For life insurance lower rates.

Kill not, abet not those who kill;
Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill.

Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless
Thine own thy neighbor doth caress.

Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete
Successfully in business. Cheat.

Bear not false witness - that is low-
But "hear 'tis rumored so and so."

Covet thou naught that thou hast not
By hook or crook, or somehow, got.
G.J.

Captain Salamander: Give Me Your Cake!

I have to disagree with you on the worst animal name ever. This Rhinoceros Beetle goes by the unfortunate name of "Enema Pan".


Monday, January 23, 2006

Mazel Tov

To Rina Fried and her family on her engagement.

Quote

"Marriage is a wonderful institution. But who wants to live in an institution?"

-Groucho Marx

Worst Animal Name... Ever

I think everyone will agree that this one takes the cake.

Quote

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying."

-Woody Allen

Where's selassie?

Um....it is almost the end of January and we still haven't received December's Chutzpanik's of the month. Is anyone else as distressed about this as I am. My favorite feature from my favorite blogger (although I do love everyone else as well) has not been on in quite a while. We need more outrage! Stand up people, shout it from the rooftops! We want Selassie! We want Selassie! everybody, now... We want Selassie!

QUOTI OF THE DAY

Laughter

-KF

From The Devil's Dictionary

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper - the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity overlap.

More Lyrical Fun

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Quote

"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life unless I buy something."

-Jackie Mason

Captain Salamander Surfaces

It’s been six weeks since Captain Salamander and Bob the Builder took six innocent people hostage, their status and whereabouts are still unknown. Although the motive behind the kidnappings is not known, there is a new lead in the form a photograph, believed to be taken in the past three days, which was obtained by the authorities. The photograph, pictured below, shows Captain Salamander and Maxiebaby on a deserted beach with an atomic bomb. It’s believed that Maxiebaby sold the bomb to Captain Salamander. It is not known how Maxiebaby came to ownership of the atomic bomb in the first place as until now Maxiebaby was not on any federal watch-lists, and had no prior dealings with any known criminals. The only information gathered on Maxiebaby is that he shovels manure for a living. More details to follow.


Star Wars #3: Vader Sings the Hits

I'm constantly falling over funny Star Wars things on the internet, so I've decided to start posting some of the better stuff here. Technically my first Star Wars post was way back at the inception of the blog (remember the Vader 20 questions games) and my last post titled "Subliminal Messages" was the second Star Wars post, so I guess that makes this the third installment.

Once again you'll need to turn your speakers on for this one, titled "Vader Sings the Hits". My favourite is "Rocketman".

Quote

"I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."

-Joe E. Lewis

Subliminal Messages

You know that famous music from the Phantom Menace (Star Wars I), I think that it's played during the Quigon & Obiwan versus Darth Maul lightsaber duel. Anyhow the piece is called "Duel of the Fates" and I was always of the opinion that it contains the words "Torah, Tzivah, Lanu, Moshe". If you don't believe me, have a listen (they can be heard at the 1:43-1:49 mark, and again at the 2:58-3:03, and for a third time at the 3:57-4:02). Why do I bring this up now, almost seven years after the movie first aired? Well I just came across this webpage (make sure speakers are on when visiting the site) which insists that the words "Corn on the Cob, Corn on the Kabob" can also be heard in that piece. Strange.

Captain's Log Q (Ew!)

Back by popular demand (or HWMNBN's comment on a previous post + Daniel's concern that I stopped posting) I bring you the return of the Captain's Log. Today I am back up to date with Logs N-Q. I suspect there will be no new log this week, or possibly next week as Zev is busy entertaining the man and woman who took him out of the wild and raised him as their own son.


Date: The day after yesterday which, amazingly, is the day before tomorrow!



























Having nothing to say,

Zev Fox

Captain's Log P

Date: Not 2005

And as I New Yaer's resulutian, I'm going to give up all pretense of me nowing who to speel.

Ok, well, no, I won't do that. But I will tell y'all (and in the process hopefully enrage you with envy so that I can feel good for another week) about the non stop partying down here in Isi. Every night there has been a party. And wow, some of them were just great. There was that one though...

They were all good, of course. And since I'm not really going to hurt anybody's feelings, I won't tell you about the courses (delicious, everyone of them.) I will, however, tell you that there is one more party tonight, the Green One, as it's become known here. I anticipate frock coats and little men with four-leaf clovers. That vision was induced by a serious lack of zzzzzzs.

Otherwise, it's been a very slow slow week, as the schedule has been turned upside down and I've had more free time then I know what to do with (you'd think sleep, but noooooooo). Instead, I've reading non stop and am currently out of fantasy novels. 13 books, all done already. I probably should have saved them.

Last night was the swim party, from 10-12. I missed swimming, it seems, as demonstrated by the number of races (6) that I participated in. 4 I won, 1 I tied. (we aren't fgoing to mention how I lost abysmally to the last guy). To ring in the New Year, we stared at a wall clock from a jaccuzi (or however you want to spell it). That was about 5 seconds of fun. The real was getting back to my bed and not being able to sleep. Yay.

I think everything goes back to normal tomorrow, so that means it's back to studious studious work and type type type. What's more, i've got to work on a design, as I have been asked to do the end of the year sweater this year. So that'll been a task and a half.

as you may have already guessed (from my serious overuse of brackets), I have very little to actually say, and thus have failed misserably in my intent to make you envious. But, I have one ace up my sleeve still.

While you people are all freezing your tails off, I'm strolling along in nice spring weather. So there.

Laughing evily at you (MWAHAHAHAHAHA!)

Zev Fox

Captain's Log O

Date: I think you all know.

No stop rain. Increasingly cold weather. Yup, it's about right and beautiful down here. I ain't complaining about it. we even got a bit of thunder the other night, which was really sweet and friendly like. Cause, you know, lightning is friendly?

Tis the season, yes indeed. Tis the season, he he he. This is not not a poem, nor a rhyme. It's just me being silly all the time!

Ouch. Ok, no more of that. Ever. Let's move on.

Yes, it is a fine season and yes, it'll be a fun eight days of partying going on down here. Every night, a diufferent house. Woot! Free food and music and dancing! Woot woot! It'll be a blast, especially when I convince that guy to bring the plastic explosives and firecrackers.

MMMMM, fire crackers.

There are only a few stories to tell, as not many exciting things have happened. So I'll start with Thursday night, when I was working in the canteen.

I was working in the canteen on Thursday night, 10-11, and was dismayed to find the shift exceedingly boring. So boring, that I decided I would pretend to be asleep when the next customer came. Just my luck, when I had finalized my decission, I heard footsteps. Bit of advice when you do this folks:

Make sure the person coming down the hall is not your boss.

No, I didn't get in trouble. Yes, he thought it was highly amusing. But still, I don't htink I'll be doing something like that again.

And speaking of work, one of my coworkers in the tape library has decided that it would be a fine tribute if he took all the broken, run down tapes and made them into a statuette. Thus was born:

Tape leg.

The statuette is almost done. It does look abstract-ie, but in a tapish sort of way. Then again, I suppose if it were made out of chairs it would look abstract-ie in a chairish sort of way.

I'm getting places in writting stuffs, just not far and not fast. Needless to say, your going to have to imagine hearing me gripe about how there's no time to write. So ya. Start imagining it.

That about sums up life in the wet. Except that I was a little crazy last night. I don't know why, but I was laughing at nothing for about half an hour. I htink I should have closed the door to the room, but that only made it funnier. Ya. Don't know why I just helped confirm to you people that I'm crazy. Oh well.

Shrugging it off,

Zev Fox.

Captain's Log N

Date: First

The first of what? Why, the first thing on top of this page, of course.

Things are going swellingly-well here, which means there is little to report. It's almost boring, really, which is the only problem when things go well.

So let's focus on the new and the bad, shall we? Starting with ( insert randomizer selecting noise here)... my new room/brigmate!

Yes, I've moved up two floors and now have a room with a private bathroom, three rugs, two windows with curtains and a real closet type thing htat isn't made of cold heartless metal like the ones on the other floor that came to life and tried to eat me last month (pretty sure that was a dream, but just to be careful, I covered them in duct tape). The new brigmate is nice and clean and is almost never there. As well, he has a toplap and gives me free (MWAHAHA!) access to it. Which means...

Yes, I was working on Search again. Finally. And yes, something bad happened. Seems chapter 4, only chapter 4 fortunately, was somehow deleted, so I now have to rewrite was already a piece of work in dire need of a rewrite. It's not all bad when you think about, so I'm not really complaining about it. Mainly cause I made a new character who I'm thinking should be fun. Take that former readers of the story!

It's the leaving season for many people here. This has very little to do with me, though, save that a few friends are going and it'll make me the only Ottawa guy left in my area. Then again..... one Ottawa Guy to rule them all! Or so I've been told, if movies haven't been lying to me again.

It's also the birthday season, were we actually had three people on one day. That was a two parties and a half (third guy didn't really want one), let me tell you. No, there was no drinking. Yes, there was only cake. But for yesterday's birthday bash extravaganza we had donuts. Not the good ones, with icing and stuff, but the OK jelly filled ones. They tasted like guava. It was qweird.

Any closing remarks? Yes, there are. I have officialy switched programs to Beis Midrash and am the youngest guy there by at least a year. It's nerve wracking, but today proved that it isn't as demanding as I thought it would be. I'll probably stilll struggle along in the back, but I'll hobble my way to the end somehow.

Sound pessimistic? Then how about a little cheeriness? I'm in a good mood and it's that special time of year when it's cold and gray outside. And windy. Very windy. I like wind.

Singing (poorly) in the rain,

Zev Fox

Ephraim Stulberg on Shemot, 5766

In modern times, the (Orthodox) Jewish world has unanimously come to adopt a standardized cycle in which the entire Torah is read every year. This has not always been the case, however, for in ancient times a three-year cycle was in operation in certain regions, notably the Land of Israel (Megillah 29b). Do we know anything of how those communities who read according to the triennial system divided their weekly Torah readings?

In a fascinating article[1], Prof. Avigdor Shinan of Hebrew University analyses this historical question from a number of vantage points. First of all, he notes that we do possess several documents that do indeed give the breakdown of the weekly readings. There are three such lists extant, and they contain 141, 154 and 167 portions. Clearly, then, there were several different systems. Did they operate simultaneously? With what sort of consistency were these schedules adhered to?

In order to answer these questions, Shinan introduces several less explicit means of deducing where a Torah portion might have begun. The main such method cited by Shinan is the use of the so-called P’tihta midrash, a genre which begins with “So-and-so opened with such-and-such a verse” and goes on, however meanderingly, to connect the initial discourse with a Torah verse. This sort of an introduction implies that the Torah verse eventually arrived at was the one with which the weekly portion began, and the introduction was a sort of sermon delivered by the rabbi as a means of grabbing the attention of the audience. There are some two thousand such P’tihta midrashim, and while some may have been purely literary creations, and thus unreflective of the synagogual Torah schedule, most are undoubtedly authentic preambles that were used to introduce the Torah portion on a given week.

Obviously, then, this great abundance of P’tihta midrashim – well in excess of the number of distinct sidrot that would comprise a triennial cycle - is evidence that the starting and stopping points for the weekly readings were highly fluid, and thus we find, for example, that R’ Hananya bar R’ Aha arrived at an out-of-town synagogue and was unprepared to discourse on that week’s opening verse (Leviticus Rabbah 3:6).

This thesis also yields another somewhat interesting fact. Shinan wonders if, indeed, this genre of midrashim is evidence of a starting point for the weekly reading, how is it that we have one such P’tihta (Exodus Rabbah 1:8) that introduces the eighth verse in this week’s parasha, the eighth verse in the book of Exodus?! How could a new reading begin a mere eight verses from the beginning of the book?

Shinan suggests that the custom may have been to refrain from concluding the weekly readings with the end of a book. Just as we currently have the custom of returning to the beginning of the Torah immediately after concluding the final verses on Simhas Torah, in order to deny the notion that we have finished with the Torah for good, so ancient Jews might have made a point of not leaving off in a place which might suggest that they were unwilling to go any further.

[1] Avigdor Shinan, “Sermons, Targums and the Reading from Scriptures in the Ancient Synagogue”, in Lee Levine, ed., The Synagogue in Late Antiquity (Philadelphia, 1987), pp. 97-110.

Quote

"Let me tell you the one thing I have against Moses: he took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil."

-Golda Meir

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"So if such a thing happens, you will have to consult a competent rabbi, if there is such a thing."

-RBP, re. boy born during twilight on Friday night

From The Devil's Dictionary

Curse, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of life insurance.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

The Orthodoxy Test #9: Being Machmir

9) Being machmir is

a) an important way to grow closer to God
b) always safe
c) sometime appropriate, but often done out of ignorance
d) rarely appropriate and just turns people off to Judaism
e) something I never do
f) Leave this question out of my results

This question, again, leaves an important term undefined: "being machmir". Does saying "Baruch shem k'vod malchuto le'olam va'ed" after making the bracha "al mitzvat tefillin" count as "being machmir"? After all, we only do it (those of us who do) because we're afraid the bracha may be levatalah. How about putting on tefillin on Chol Hamo'ed? Or not putting them on? How about keeping your mouth shut rather than saying something that might - you're not sure - be lashon hara? Or getting someone to make Al Hamichyah for you if you're not sure you had a kezayis of mezonos? Or doing the yichud room jazz after the chuppah (after all, you don't need it according to some poskim)?

I assume that in this context, "being machmir" refers to adhering to chumras in situations where many current authorities would aver that doing so is not necessary. I can rule out (e). (A) may be true if it is qualified, but I do not think it is correct all the time for everyone: if competent halachic authorities (of course, who are they? But that would make this piece way too long) say that a certain action is permissible, then it's probably not true that it should nonetheless never be done by anyone. I don't think (b) is correct either, and for the same reason: there may be situations in which being machmir on a certain issue leads to an overall poor decision (like, for example, annoying one's hosts by refusing to eat their non-chalav-yisrael milk products). I wouldn't say it's rarely appropriate, though: most of the time, it seems to me, no harm results, and in such a situation, if you're interested, why not take kiyum hamitzvos seriously and play it safe? So (c) seems most correct to me: it's often not a bad idea, but I think that on many occasions, it is indeed done out of ignorance (isn't that what Rashi implies somewhere in his commentary on the Gemara when he says that the mark of a knowledgeable person is someone who will say "mutar"?).

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Potash, n. What may result if the potboiler in which you have placed your pot roast has a pothole; worse potluck, however, is if after you already potato lot of pot pie in one potshot, you drown your pot-belly by drinking your potty: this can wreak devastating consequences on the potlatch securing the pothole in your potassium.

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Demon, n. A phenomenon that ceased to exist when Maimonides wrote that it had never existed.

Error, n. A phenomenon that began to exist when Maimonides wrote that it had always existed.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"The drivers at Para-Transpo are crazy. They, like, want to hit people to get more customers."

-JS Jr.

From The Devil's Dictionary

Critic, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries to please him.

There is a land of pure delight,
Beyond the Jordan's flood,
Where saints, apparelled all in white,
Fling back the critic's mud.

And as he legs it through the skies,
His pelt a sable hue,
He sorrows sore to recognize
The missles that he threw.
Orrin Goof.

Friday, January 20, 2006

New News

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into his eyeglass-making machine and made a monocle of himself?

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Irregardless¹, interj. A declaration meaning, "I am an ignorant dolt."

Irregardless², interj. A declaration meaning, "I live down Renfrew way, eh, and I like calling in to the Lowell Green Show. (And I am an ignorant dolt.)"

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Polite, adj. Dishonest.

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Unicycle, v.i. & t. Throw out.

Unicycle, n. Garbage.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Yeah, all the people in this place are geniuses. Except for me - I'm not a genius. I'm just a poor slob trying to teach English."

-JJ

From The Devil's Dictionary

Coward, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.

Sights of Ottawa #2



















"Give me a J! Give me an E! Give me an S..."

Sights of Ottawa #1

Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Orthodoxy Test #8: Tnzius for Women

8) Tznius is

a) a woman's most important mitzvah
b) very important, but not the most important mitzvah
c) required, but not something to focus on
d) mostly minhag and there's a lot more legitimate leeway than people believe
e) not very important
f) Leave this question out of my results

As I understand it, tznius is an important mitzvah for both men and women, although in our society men feel less pressure than women to deviate from its dictates, and thus men's tznius is less discussed. I don't know why it wouldn't be something to focus on; as far as I know, every mitzvah ought to be the subject of our focus, although of course some people will be better suited to focusing on certain mitzvot, and others on others. On the other hand, I don't see how I could justify the assertion that tznius is the most important mitzvah for anybody. Why would it be more important that pikuach nefesh, or shmirat shabbat, or kashrut, or lashon hara? So (a) doesn't make sense to me. I chose (b).

Harry Potter Character Identities II

Harry Potter = Nosson Slifkin (Book 5)

Dolores Umbridge = [see above; take your pick]

Cedric Diggory = Bobby Kennedy (famous principally for dying)

Harry Potter = Kermit the Frog (Book 6)

Romilda Vane = Miss Piggy

Fred Weasley = Chip

George Weasley = Dale

Rubeus Hagrid = Mr. Snufflupagus

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"This is so fun!"

-MF the Elder, re. math work

From The Devil's Dictionary

Conversation, n. A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Non sequitur, n. The medium is the message.

Harry Potter Character Identities

Lord Voldemort = King Hussein (becomes a good guy and wins Nobel Peace Prize)

Albus Dumbledore = Elvis Presley (still alive)

Minerva McGonagall = Stephen Harper (smart and competent, but too rigid)

Rufus Scrimgeour = Alfonso Gagliano (corrupt politician)

Severus Snape = Robert Bourassa (can't tell whose side he's on)

Argus Filch = Howard the maintenance man (obvious)

Mrs. Norris = Howard's dog

Percy Weasley = He Who Must Not Be Named (nerd)

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Statistic, n. A numerical record of a quantitatively superlative occurrence.

There are three kinds of cold: cold, damned cold, and statistics.—Mark Twain

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Hashem is the Rebbe."

-RBC

From The Devil's Dictionary

Controversy, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the injurious cannonball and the inconsiderate bayonet.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Harry Potter 7

I was at Coles Books today, and a lady working there told me that J.K. Rowling is apparently starting to write #7 right around now. The rumour is that the book will be published in about June 2007. I can't wait to die.

Leftover Quote

"The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found."

-Calvin Trillin

In The News

HALIFAX (CP) - A couple awoke on the weekend to find a stranger in their kitchen heating up their leftovers.
The woman called 911 while her partner managed to restrain the intruder, but not before being punched.
No one was seriously injured in the incident Sunday morning.
A 43-year-old man faces charges of break and enter, assault and resisting arrest. He was to appear in court Monday.

Quote

"Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York, you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyim even if you are Jewish."

-Lenny Bruce

Thoughts About Harry Potter 6 (Second Update)

(First update in italics; second update in Georgia font.)

1. Notice that Tonks and Draco Malfoy seem to share quite a link. For example, Tonks rescues Harry after Malfoy freezes him under the Invisibility Cloak in the Hogwarts Express on the first day of school; Tonks shows up outside the seventh-floor (Canadian: floor seven) corridor adjoining the Room of Requirement, where Malfoy is supposed to be practising; Tonks and Malfoy both look progressively thinner and sicker throughout the book's dénouement. Could they be the same person? Lupin also looks worse as the book goes on; is that related?

2. This one is glaring, of course: some of what Dumbledore says in the cave between drinks from Voldemort's Horcrux-protecting potion sounds a lot like what Snape ought to say if he were reliving and regretting his betrayal of the Potter parents. Makes you wonder whether the Dumbledore whom Harry accompanies to the cave could really be Snape. Supporting this possibility is Dumbledore's blanching when Harry tells him he has discovered that it was Snape who reported Trelawney's prophecy to Voldemort (i.e., me); Dumbledore's asking Harry to fetch his Invisibility Cloak, when he had long before asked Harry to carry it with him always; Dumbledore's youthful physical abilities when he and Harry swim into the cave and when they fly back to Hogwarts; and Dumbledore's Snape-style healing of his own wound while in the cave antechamber. On the other hand, the real Dumbledore might ask Harry to fetch his Invisibility Cloak not because he thought that Harry didn't already have it, but because he wanted Harry to do what he knew Harry would do: alert Ron and Hermione as to what was transpiring, and possibly have them stand guard as they ended up doing.

3. Someone should do a really close study of what Dumbledore does with each of his hands throughout the book; there's a lot of seemingly gratuitous detail about which of his hands does what. Inconsistencies might prove revealing.

4. We never, of course, actually find out why Dumbledore trusted Snape so. That must certainly come out in #7. I think it will be revealed by Dumbledore, but, of course, it may be discovered in some other way.

5. Bellatrix and Narcissa go to find Snape in Spinner's End where, evidently, they understood him to be residing during the summer vacation. However, when Dumbledore injured his hand, which was shortly before he fetched Harry from the Dursleys' - i.e., in the middle of the summer, Dumbledore says he returned to Hogwarts "desperately injured," and was saved only by the expert ministrations of Snape, which presumably means that Snape was at Hogwarts at the time. I'm not sure whether this is in the least significant, but I wonder what Snape was doing at Hogwarts. Had Dumbledore summoned him there?

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"I'd also like to thank David Sidney, whose life's ambition is to be a nun."

-JBP, at his graduation speech

From The Devil's Dictionary

Consul, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Quote

"The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish."

-Jules Farber

Alumni Ad in OTI Journal

Hi Everyone,
I was just wondering whether we should make an effort to get together and put an ad in the OTI ad journal for the lecture coming up, on behalf of all the alumni. (I think that was a badly structured sentence but I'm too lazy to figure out how to write it properly.) Something like we did last year, minus all the arguments. Anyone want to organize it?

That eternal dichotomy



Hey!

What should you remember?

What should you do?

Who is it for?












It is probably for all the lonely people.

Mazel Tov

To Rabbi Yonah and Debbie Levant on the birth of a daughter.

Mazel Tov

To Eli Sandell on his engagement.

What is your favorite utencil and why?

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Heee heee heee heee, hooo hooo hooo hooo, ssss ssss ssss ssss"

-DR

From The Devil's Dictionary

Consolation, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

Frumteens.com (Third Update)

January 7, 2006: I just registered myself at www.frumteens.com and tried to post a comment. It said that my comment had been posted, but I didn't see that it actually was. Does anybody know anything about this?

UPDATE, January 8, 2006: Ahhhhh... I see... it's moderated, meaning that before being posted, each comment is emailed to someone in charge of the site, who can choose to post it or to suppress it. Well, well, we'll see whether my comment gets posted. It wasn't malicious, hostile or irreverent, but it was an intelligent question. There's no reason for a site boasting that it provides "anything you want to know about Judaism but have nobody to ask" to censor my question. We'll see whether they're screening for offensive material, or for anything they don't like (or can't adequately answer).

SECOND UPDATE, January 9, 2006: Still waiting. My comment has not been posted, and I have not received any email from frumteens (I had to give them my address to register).

THIRD UPDATE, January 16, 2006: I'm delighted to report that an edited version of my question was posted, along with a response to it from the "moderator." I've just sent a follow-up question.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

And the winner is...

Congratulations to Peyton Manning for once again defending his title as "The Next Dan Marino"!!!

The Dark Lord's Dictionary

Donkeyhole, n. Bashar Donkeyad.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Well, this has been fascinatingly dull."

-SG

From The Devil's Dictionary

Connoisseur, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.

An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, some wine was poured upon his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he murmured and died.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"A trilogy in five parts"

-MF the Elder

From The Devil's Dictionary

Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.

Friday, January 13, 2006

New List

New list: top 6 things to yell in French from a hotel balcony to passersby in the street below while on a graduation trip. I will list two of which I am certain:

"Pamplemousse!"
"Il y a un couteau dans la bibliothèque!"

Best French Words

Someone can post this as a list. I prefer just to pose it as a question. What are the, let's say, five best words in French? I think we can all agree that "pamplemousse" is right up there. What else?

Deep Thought

One man's fish is another man's poisson.

Question

Why does a Frenchman never eat two eggs?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

Good News!

Did you see in today's Citizen that the Vatican wants to "rehabilitate" Judas, and make him out to have been not so bad after all? I think that's terrific. Here I was for all these years thinking that I was a member of the treacherous scum-race that had betrayed Jesus to the Romans, and now it turns out that we were really just carrying out part of God's plan and it's cool. I'm sure all the Jewish victims of the Crusades, the Inquisition, etc., are thrilled to know that retroactively they weren't so bad after all.

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Two three four. Can't have a better page than that."

-RBP

From The Devil's Dictionary

Confidant, Confidante, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided by him to C.

Transliteration

For many years, I have been annoyed and bothered by the fact that Machzikei Hadas transliterates the name of the third meal on Shabbat "Seudah Shleesheet," using the cumbersome and silly-looking double "e" instead of the "i" everybody always uses to represent the vowel chirik. I think I've just figured out why they do it.

How about this one?

A Czech and a Jew are walking in the forest, and encounter two bears, a male and a female. The bears chase the two men, and although the Jew escapes, the Czech is eaten by one of the two bears. Upon returning to the town, the Jew is questioned as to what became of the Czech. He explains that he was eaten by one of the bears they met in the forest. The townspeople wish to find the remains of the Czech, so they ask the Jew which bear he thinks ate his friend. The Jew thinks and thinks, and eventually says that he believes that he was eaten by the male bear. The townspeople capture the male bear, kill him, and cut him open, only to discover that the Czech is not inside. The moral of the story is: When a Jews says that the Czech is in the male, don't believe him.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Ephraim Stulberg on Ramban on Sefer B'reishis, 5766

In lieu of an essay dealing with P' Vayhi, please accept this analysis of Ramban's commentary on the first book of the Torah. In his introduction to his critical edition of Ramban’s Commentary on the Torah, Rabbi C.D. Chavel makes a brief attempt to date the composition of the work. He suggests that the commentary on the Book of Genesis had already been composed by the time Ramban immigrated to Eretz Yisrael at the age of seventy-two (Chavel, p. 8). This thesis is based on a passage in which Ramban notes that, upon actually seeing the location of the Rachel’s Tomb, he realized that his original understanding of the phrase “kivras ha’aretz” was mistaken. He writes: “I wrote this initially; after having merited coming to Jerusalem…I have seen with my own eyes that it is not even a mil from the Tomb of Rachel to Beis Lehem, and thus was my original explanation refuted” (Commentary on Gen. 35:16). Chavel takes this passage as evidence that Ramban merely edited a pre-existing Genesis commentary based on his subsequent travels in the Holy Land.

While there is probably no way to refute this supposition, it nonetheless strikes me that Ramban’s first-hand geographic knowledge of the Middle East plays a more integral role in his commentary on Genesis than Chavel lets on.

Ramban is aware of relative distances, noting in several places in his Commentary that it takes a specific number of days to travel from one locale to another. He argues that Abraham was living in Beersheba, not Hebron, when God commanded him to sacrifice Isaac, basing this thesis on his knowledge that it could not have taken the three days mentioned by the Torah to walk the short distance from Hebron to Mount Moriah (Gen. 23:2). He wonders why Jacob couldn’t bury Rachel in Hebron, which is, after all, only a half-day’s travel from where he indeed interred her (48:7). He knows that the distance from Hebron to Damascus is great (14:15), and he knows that it takes six days to travel from Hebron to Egypt (42:19).

Ramban also makes note of local traditions. He cites his “many students from those parts” in identifying the city of Cuta (11:28), and thereby disproving Rashi’s contention that Avraham was born in Ur. Elsewhere, he mentions a tradition regarding the location of Dina’s grave (34:12).

He is also well aware of the relative locations of various lands (see 14:18; 35:18). His knowledge extends even as far north as Armenia, and he notes that Mount Ararat was by no means the highest of the “Greek mountains” (8:5). Ramban also had knowledge of Middle Eastern customs: thus Joseph’s identity remained a mystery to his family because he wore a turban, “in the manner of the Egyptian kings” (46:29).

None of these sorts of comments are to be found in the commentaries of Rashi, whose knowledge of Middle Eastern geography was notoriously weak, being founded entirely on texts. It was Ramban’s own firsthand experiences that enabled him to comment so authoritatively, and so accurately, on the Middle East.

Quote

"Look at Jewish history. Unrelieved lamenting would be intolerable. So, for every ten Jews beating their breasts, God designated one to be crazy and amuse the breast-beaters.
By the time I was five I knew I was that one."

-Mel Brooks

How About This One?

There was a tragedy involving three little French kittens, named "Un," "Deux" and "Trois," who went swimming at an unattended beach. A strong wave swept them out to sea, and Un Deux Trois quatre cinq.

"Know This One?" Part #2

There were twin skunks, whose names were, respectively, “In” and “Out”. In and Out made their homes in separate cages at the local zoo. One day, Out managed to escape from his cage, unbeknownst to In. When the zookeeper noticed that Out was missing he approached In and asked him if he knew were Out had gone. Not knowing about Out’s escape, In assumed that Out was still in his cage, so he said to the zookeeper (who by the way was named Igor) “outhouse”. Little did In know that Out was currently hiding in one of the many port-a-potties on the zoo’s premises. The zookeeper quickly searched all of the port-a-potties at the zoo and apprehended Out. When Out found out that In had prevented his escape he clobbered him to death with a club.

Know This One?

There were twin skunks, whose names were, respectively, "In" and "Out". One day, Out was, appropriately, out. In, being in, had over some friends, and the group decided to play hide-and-go-seek. The friend whose job it was to "seek" soon located everyone except for In. Eventually the others grew tired of waiting for In to turn up, and decided to speed up the process by helping to look for him. They searched high and low, but In was nowhere to be found. In's friends were starting to worry when Out returned. They explained to Out that In seemed to have disappeared, and Out agreed to help them look for him. The young skunks split up in order to cover more ground. Only a short while later, Out returned triumphantly with a grinning In. In's friends were astonished, not to mention a little embarrassed. They asked Out how he had managed to find In so quickly. Out replied, "Instinct."

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Let's have a round of applause for Binyomin! Let's have a round of (boos) (booze) for Mr. Robinson!"

-ES

From The Devil's Dictionary

Compulsion, n. The eloquence of power.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Quote Correction

According to information I recently received, I quoted inaccurately and misattributed a statement in a comment I wrote a little while ago. This, apparently, is the real version:

"A spoken contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."

-Sam Goldwyn (the G of MGM)

I prefer "oral" to "spoken," regardless of what Goldwyn actually said.

Quoth

"How do you score a disembowelment? That's very tricky."

-Composer James Horner, on his Academy Award-nominated musical score for Braveheart

Who To Vote For?

I recently came across Canoe's Canada Votes survey that claims it will tell you how to vote based on a series of questions its asks in order to determine the issues that really matter to you. Anyway, I took the survey completely seriously and ended up with the following result:



THANK YOU

According to your opinions on the issues, you will vote for...

The Bloc Quebecois.



Well, I'm glad that's decided!

But seriously, as it turns out, this result hinged entirely on a single question. Question 9 asks: Do you believe that Quebec should have the right to politically separate from Canada? I answered yes simply because I believe that if Quebecer's want their sovereignty that badly, I see no reason why the rest of Canada should deny them that given that they do, in fact, have a very different cultural heritage from the rest of the country. (It is not the same as BC demanding to separate, for example. On this note, no, I have not fully thought out the issue of Quebec separatism and were I to adequately consider the economic and other ramifications of Quebec's separation, I would probably change my tune on this issue. But that would take too much time and effort). Anyway, were I to change my answer to that question to either "no" or "undecided", the survey suggests that I will vote for the Conservative Party.

Oh well, them's the breaks. The Bloc it is!

QUOTI OF THE DAY

"Why did you microwave a date?"
"So I could have a hot date."

-HK, AK II